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Original poster

Cancelling visits with in laws

137 replies

Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:29

I have repeatedly expressed to my in laws that I’m struggling with my baby. I went about ten months with no break, not even 5 mins to myself. No one babysat or came over and helped with housework etc. I have lost several stone and have problems with my teeth because some days I didn’t get to clean them. I am totally exhausted and mentally broken from lack of sleep and rest.

My MIL is the type to not ask to visit or make the effort to reach out and ask to meet up. She waits for me to do all the initiating. I was annoyed by this because in my mind if you want to see your grandchild you’d make the effort. I had to tell her straight up if she wants to visit just ask! Don’t wait to be asked.

So she started making more effort. She cancelled some times due to her health which was fine, no big deal. I cancelled a few times because my baby was having a bad day or I was feeling low or not up for visitors.

I then had other in laws criticising me saying I am stopping her from seeing her grandchild and excluding her. This baffled me because she has seen baby the most out of everyone and I kept inviting her over.

i felt hurt hearing this as I felt I was being portrayed wrongly. I asked my MIL what the issue was and she said that me cancelling on her is “devastating” and she can’t handle it. She said if I make plans with her in the future I’m not allowed to cancel. I said that’s impossible and I can cancel if I want to. I felt she was being unreasonable but she said she wasn’t.

now I feel I have to 1. Force myself to spend time with someone even if it’s a bad day or I’m exhausted from lack of support and 2. If I don’t make plans with her or I do cancel that she’ll bad mouth me to the rest of the family

this is causing me a lot of stress and arguments with my husband.

so am I being unreasonable to think it’s ok to cancel?

OP posts:
Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:46

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KrisAkabusi · 26/04/2024 07:46

You've got a MIL problem, a husband problem and a you problem. The main one being your inability to leave your baby alone. If you don't sort this it will only get worse. You need to get help for this. Your husband needs to step up here and take the child. If her crying triggers you, he needs to walk her outside where you can't hear her. If your MIL only lives 10 minutes away, he can bring her round there solving all problems at once. You get sleep and your MIL sees the baby.

LifeWithADHD · 26/04/2024 07:45

Tell her to get a grip. If you don’t want to see her you are fine to cancel

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:45

rickyrickygrimes · 26/04/2024 07:43

You’re complaining that your disabled MIL has not visited enough to support you with your baby, while your DH goes out to play sports in the evenings rather than give you a break?

i don’t think your MIL is the problem here.

My issue is with her saying I’m purposefully excluding her by cancelling because I’m exhausted when she is aware of how much I’m struggling but she seems to think I’m cancelling because of something to do with her ie she’s taking it personally

OP posts:
Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:45

This reply has been deleted

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PTSDBarbiegirl · 26/04/2024 07:44

Do you live with the babies father? Confused as to why you are unable to have any personal time at all. What is his role. You can say you want and expect help from him. If you don't want MIL involved on a particular day just cancel. You are in charge.

RampantIvy · 26/04/2024 07:44

It sounds like you have a couple of issues here.
Please see your GP as it sounds like you might be depressed.
Secondly, it sounds like your husband doesn't pull his weight and is never at home. He needs to step up.

Do you have any family?

Octonaut4Life · 26/04/2024 07:43

This issue sounds like at heart it's really not about your MIL at all but about your husband. Why is he not pulling his weight with the baby and making sure you get a break? Why is he not the one communicating with MIL about these issues? Why is he "going to sports in the evenings" when his baby is this young and his wife is having such a a difficult time?

rickyrickygrimes · 26/04/2024 07:43

You’re complaining that your disabled MIL has not visited enough to support you with your baby, while your DH goes out to play sports in the evenings rather than give you a break?

i don’t think your MIL is the problem here.

ilovepixie · 26/04/2024 07:43

Is there no happy medium on mumsnet lol. Either the MIL never comes to see the grandkids or they come too much! I'm glad I'm not a MIL they can't do right for doing wrong!

80skid · 26/04/2024 07:43

Perhaps your DH can take your baby to see his mum while you have a bath and a sleep? This isn't totally on you. You need to help and support. You need a rest. It sounds as though DH has some catching up to do in terms of providing for his wife, bonding with his baby and his relationship with his mother.

Jokl · 26/04/2024 07:42

Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:40

I have a Velcro baby she wants to be held constantly otherwise she is hysterical and her crying triggers me so I can’t leave her I know I need to be stronger but because I’m so exhausted I just give in. Baby exclusively breastfed and cosleeping. Contact naps only. I feel like a failure because I haven’t been able to be stronger

Show quote history

Okay. Thank you for answering, I hope I didn’t make you feel upset by asking. You sound very low indeed which, given your updates, isn’t surprising. Have you sought help from your gp for the way you’re feeling? It’s very unfortunate that your partner is so unsupportive and seemingly absent. How many nights a week is he out? He needs to curb that, life cannot continue just as before at your expense!

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:42

LindorDoubleChoc · 26/04/2024 07:39

If your mil has health problems and can't even hold the baby then how is she going to be able to help or support you? It's your partner's job to share the care of your baby with you, not his disabled mother's.

I don’t expect her to help or support me, but she is bad mouthing me to family if I cancel plans which is making me more stressed and I know I can’t control what she says or does but from my pov if someone tells you they are struggling I don’t know why you’d instead tell everyone you’re being purposefully excluded

OP posts:
VeraForever · 26/04/2024 07:41

Your partner needs to step up here.
It's not your in laws' fault that they're barely seeing you or the baby.

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:40

Jokl · 26/04/2024 07:38

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I find it hard to believe you didn’t have a single moment to yourself in ten months, to the point that you weren’t even doing your teeth (!), how have you found yourself in this situation, particularly when you have a partner on the scene?!

I have a Velcro baby she wants to be held constantly otherwise she is hysterical and her crying triggers me so I can’t leave her I know I need to be stronger but because I’m so exhausted I just give in. Baby exclusively breastfed and cosleeping. Contact naps only. I feel like a failure because I haven’t been able to be stronger

OP posts:
Pacificisolated · 26/04/2024 07:40

With the greatest of respect, you sound like you are clinically depressed. Are you receiving any mental health support? If not you need to make an appointment with your GP. Babies are hard work but unless you have an exceptionally tricky baby you should be out of the woods by now.

Does your partner ever take the baby for a few hours so you can have a break?

Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:39

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LindorDoubleChoc · 26/04/2024 07:39

If your mil has health problems and can't even hold the baby then how is she going to be able to help or support you? It's your partner's job to share the care of your baby with you, not his disabled mother's.

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:38

Calamitousness · 26/04/2024 07:35

Of course not. Cancel if you need to. But having a baby shouldn’t be this tough. Are you sure that you’re well. Should you see a GP? Are you not taking care of yourself for another reason? Depression maybe. Most people don’t have someone cleaning for them when off on mat leave. And babysitting a child that young is usually the father so that the mum can go out with friends at night. You should be having plenty of time to shower/clean teeth etc. and clean your house. You can do all that with your baby either awake or asleep so there may be a different problem. Is your husband helping at night? Sharing the weekend long lies etc. You sound pretty down. I hope I have misinterpreted you but if not, think about seeing someone and talking about how you feel.

My husband goes to sports in the evenings

OP posts:
Longma · 26/04/2024 07:38

Have you spoken to your GP about feeling so low and crying?

JennyForeigner · 26/04/2024 07:38

If it's about your husband's laziness, forget the inlaws. You can't solve that and don't burn yourself down trying.

Jokl · 26/04/2024 07:38

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I find it hard to believe you didn’t have a single moment to yourself in ten months, to the point that you weren’t even doing your teeth (!), how have you found yourself in this situation, particularly when you have a partner on the scene?!

Longma · 26/04/2024 07:37

More importantly than the MIL visits - why isn't your dh helping with the baby? Why isn't he supporting you and helping to care for his child?

Do you have family of your own?

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:37

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 26/04/2024 07:35

Why is it devastating? Does she live far away, have to get up early and pay for transport or something?

Agree with pp about seeing a GP about your struggles. You don’t have to hold baby 24/7 OP, leave the baby in the crib and brush teeth self care is important.

Edited

No about 10 mins away by car. She said it’s because she sees it as a rejection even though I’ve explained my reasons for cancelling eg baby won’t sleep so I’ve had to take her out in the car for an hour long drive, I’m feeling low so I’m crying and want to be alone

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 26/04/2024 07:37

Actually first poster nailed it. Solve your husband problem AND your MIL problem in one go, by making time with her his issue.

We do this. My MIL is in her 80s and crocky af. My husband takes the kids to her and I get a break - but only since they have been old enough to manage a car journey. Until that point, it had to wait.

My parents are more active and come here, but I do the same thing once a month or so and my husband gets a break. We don't all have to be in the same place at the same time.

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