Cancelling visits with in laws

If MIL is too much of a delicate flower to cope with canceled visits then the solution is simple - no more prearranged visits. If you still want to see her, make it strictly on a spontaneous basis only. But I agree with others that your main problem is your useless, selfish dick of a husband.

Like others, I think you should see your GP about how low you're feeling. See if you can take medication that steadies your mood.

However, you must realise that your DH is a major factor in how you're feeling? He is worse than useless and you are suffering for his inadequacies.

Can you access an employee helpline at work? Is there a way for you to get some counselling to help you see the bigger picture and to consider how you want your future to look?

When you're feeling a little stronger, I think you should tell your DH that he is letting you down. He's letting his child down. He's destroying his marriage. If there is anything decent about him then he'd pull himself together and start behaving like a father and husband. Giving you a break. Appreciating you. Treating you with love and respect.

As for MIL, she has her own problems. She has been let down by her son who has created this distance between her and her GD. But none of that is your doing or your problem. Maybe take a different tack with her and reduce contact. Send her regular pics. If you're going to soft play, message her in the morning and say we're going to be at venue at 11, why doesn't she pop down to see you both and have a coffee. Be more spontaneous with her than scheduled visits.

But most of all, ignore the gossip that the wider family are thoughtlessly spreading. It may be exaggerated from what MIL has said to them. Regardless, she's an ill woman who you have little in common with. If she and her relatives want to slag you off, let them. It makes no useful difference to your life.

Your priority right now is you. You need taking care. Let your GP help you get support.

It’s not about being a martyr, you’re blaming yourself again. You are being woefully unsupported by the person who should be your best support. That’s the issue here, your pathetic husband. Are you happy? You don’t sound happy. Are you on medication or in a position to take up counselling? Ultimately my gut feeling reading your posts is you’d be happier as a single parent without this manchild doing nothing to support you. Do you have friends or family around?

That's your real problem, Op.

OP your other half needs to step up. He should be the one helping with housework and also taking the baby so you get time for self care.
And you need to make sure you look after yourself...brushing your teeth should take priority over tidying up and washing dishes etc.

It's not your MILs job to volunteer to help or come and do your housework.....neither my mum or MIL did this for me.

But also the bad days are the days you need help. It shouldn't matter if you don't feel "up to it" if she comes round she can take baby out in the pram and give you some rest or time to do jobs, she may even help with housework etc.
So be brave and stick to plans even if you feel rubbish.....because at the minute you are burning yourself out trying to achieve an ideal with no support, and then turning away the support unless you have achieved your ideal standard already

Oh OP your posts are so sad to read so I'm going to focus on practical help.

1: please seek help from your HV and GP you are not a failure but I think likely to be suffering from Post partum depression

2: Contact homestart or ask your HV if they can refer you. They are a fantastic charity who can help out with children to give you a break

3: stop doing things for your husband he's a adult (although not acting like it) just do stuff for you and baby - he is completely out of order

4: please know you are not a failure what so ever velcro babies are hard (DS1 was one) you are simply doing the things to survive

5: please reach out to someone in RL a friend?

6: you definitely are allowed to cancel if you or baby aren't feeling well enough if his mum starts simply reply with I've said X can arrange and bring baby I'm not responsible for him if he doesn't make the effort.

So. He needs to stop until you are in a better place with your mental health. You can’t cope. He needs to support you before sport. How is that hard to see. Surely you’ve told him how you feel. He must notice you’re unkempt if you’re not brushing your teeth which is a basic. It’s all signs you’re not mentally well.

I think there are issues here that are nothing to do with your in laws. You should have been able to brush your teeth. It takes like a minute, I fail to understand why that hasn’t been happening. It’s just a baby. It sounds it me like you might need some medical help to get you onto an even keel. Perhaps make an appointment with your GP. Also, put the baby down somewhere safe and eat and brush your teeth. Everything else will feel more manageable if you actually valued yourself

There's a lot going on here OP:

1. You sound like you could do with a chat with the GP.
2. Your DH needs to step up.
3. There's definitely more going on if you didn't have time to brush your teeth and eat, a baby should never stop those things happening.
4. Cancelling visits because the baby hasn't slept seems really wild to me, you can't live your life by a clock like that.
5. Cancelling visits because you feel low is a whole different story, but you should really speak to the GP about this.

💐

Seriously OP, what's keeping you together? The more you post the less appealing he sounds. You'll probably find a dark cloud lifts without him in your life.

You would have more freedom if you divorced as one less person to cook for. And presumably he would take the child some weekends, which would mean you get a break!

You need to speak to your GP about your physical and mental health.

And you need to stop blaming your MIL for what is obviously (to everyone else) a DH problem.

You need to care more about you and less about the complaints of your husband and MIL. She complains about something...not your problem, learn not to be upset by it. She wants to see her grandchild and you will get the treatment you accept from her by being so affected by her moaning. Stop arranging visits and leave it to your husband to do.

Any complaints from him or her, 'I tried, it didn't work out, I'm too busy with work now", and start to get him to take more responsibility. Tell him e.g. Sat morning is his, Sunday is yours to look after baby until 11am so you can get a break. You are both working it's not unfair. You might have to head out of the house and just lie down in the car in a car park but you need to create the habit.

Start advocating for yourself - sounds as though no one else will. And care less about MIL moaniing to others. Complaints from other in-laws - say little maybe just 'there are two sides to every storey and MIL has seen baby more than anyone else so far'.

Unless you have lived with someone like this I don't think you can understand how worn down it can make you. You can tell them until the end of time you are struggling and they won't help, what can you actually do but step up and parent. I am lucky I had an amazing support system around me but I was still exhausted and depressed.

OP please see a GP and think about leaving your DP, it won't get better and he'll continue to behave like this. I don't have to deal with my in laws shit anymore and it's bliss.

Could you wake up DH tomorrow at 8am, and say I'm leaving for 2 hours. Just leave the baby with him and go out for a nice breakfast on your own.

What happens if you do that? Can you try it?

The baby might cry but will be fine. I have a Velcro baby too and once a month I go on a night out. She cries a lot while I'm gone and often she's still up with my husband when I get home, but it's good for her to spend some one on one time with her dad and she's slowly getting better at going to sleep with him instead of me.

There’s your problem right there. She’s his baby too (believe me, I completely get lazy husbands) and it sounds like on top of him not pulling his weight at all you most probably have post partum depression or at least depression brought about by not having enough help post partum!
Step 1: see the GP. Tell your husband you are doing this.
Step 2: Tell husband he gets 2 nights a week for sports. Make sure you get set days. Explain to him you will not take no for an answer, that he needs to start helping out (I hate that term, she’s his child too but in reality that’s what it often is) and that you are not coping. If he kicks up a stink, tell him that in that case he needs to start paying for 1 day nursery a week.
Step 3: join a mother group of some sort and make an effort to go to it, regardless of how you feel. This can just be a half hour rhyme time at the library, a fb appeal for other local mums to go for coffee, baby splash, playgroup- whatever, but it will get you out with company and at the very least a sympathetic ear and possibly more practical help. It will also help to socialise baby.
Step 4: accept that you can leave baby to cry while you shower and clean your teeth!
Step 5: if you have them, reach out to your own family and explain you could really use some help!

Im sorry you’re feeling so down, OP, but I think you’re going to have to help yourself a bit with this one. The issue isn’t really mil either, it’s husband.

You poor thing. No wonder you are so exhausted!!

Why does your husband do nothing?? Do you love this man? Please don't have other kids with him as things just get harder.

Agree with others, your MIL is very strange and wrong to badmouth you, but your husband is the real problem here.

What would happen if you just plonk baby on your DH at the weekend and tell him you're going out for the day? Not asking but telling him you have plans & just going (like he clearly does all the time without issue!)