Cancelling visits with in laws

I have to say, if my MIL repaid my efforts to involve her by slagging me off to family, especially when I was at my lowest, I’d also be giving her just cause to moan as she would from that point on have zero access to me.
i appreciate that you are not emotionally in a position to be kicking people to the kerb, but when I was in your position (dangerously exhausted with zero bandwidth) I quickly learned to be focusing on absolute essentials. When the boat is sinking, deadweight gets chucked overboard.
MIL Drains who come to my house and refuse to speak, then slag me off to relatives (who are then stupid enough to call and drag me about it) would all be top of the Things to Jettison list.
The arrogance and cheek of your husband and his entire **ing family to be dragging you at this time!!! As my dad used to say “those that contribute the least demand the most.”
Never a truer word.
xxx

Firstly, OP, I’m really really sorry that you have been driven so low.
it’s not the same scenario, but I had an incredibly difficult second baby with lots of issues who screamed all the time and slept very badly. I went back to work when he was 10 months old and he was like this til he was about 3. My husband was diagnosed with serious life threatening illness as I went back to work, so I did all of the nights because husband needed all the rest he could get (not his fault and my choice to try and give him the best possible chance), so I had very little respite. Different situation, but I want to tell you I have some understanding of what a tunnel this feels like. I look back and have no idea how I got through it. I felt totally desperate, I was so completely beyond exhausted, couldn’t see straight at all. I’m so very sorry you are in this place. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

As so many people are saying, and I am sure this is going to make you feel so much worse, your partner is the problem. He is being incredibly, worryingly selfish and immature. I can only imagine how hard this is to hear let alone tackling when you are this low and probably lacking the ability to think proactively because you are just surviving.

You cannot do anything without more sleep/ rest. So the absolute first thing to do is to find one way to start building yourself up. You also desperately need to find someone to confide in who can help you find a way through. It’s really important to feel heard, without judgement, which you are not getting from your partner and his selfish family. You may feel as you start to express this that a large amount of stress and pressure lifts from you, which of itself a huge part of feeling unwell.

As many people have said, a GP appointment sounds like an important place to start. Do you have any private health/ employee assistance programme benefits at work? That may also be a decent avenue to go down.

Once you are stronger you can look to establish a way to do something about your situation with your partner. I can understand this is going to feel unsurmountable until your mental health and rest feels more solid.

I know and recognise the despair of this level of fatigue. my inbox is open should you want to chat offline.
lots of love to you

You have a huge DH problem. Your husband:

• is not taking any responsibility caring for his child, to the point you're exhausted and can't take care of your basic needs
• is going out to 'sports' in the evenings, leaving you, still exhausted
• isn't even doing the coordination with his own parents which he agreed to do, causing arguments and upsetting his mum
• isn't standing up for you to his parents
• does not seem to be contributing in any way to the housework, looking after baby or supporting your mental/physical health

Tell her to resolve the situation that going forwards your husband will be bringing the baby to see her once/twice a week

the ownership is then on him and it will also give you a break to have some time to yourself

@softslicedwhite

“And in many cases as you read more and more about the parent you see that they too are a Velcro parent. And I don't say this to bash, or make parents, especially women, feel horrific about having what could be perceived as a high needs child or employing attachment parenting methods. I just find it interesting that the baby is the one perceived as needy when actually the parent also plays a role.”

It’s an interesting point you make, but I am in a similar situation to OP but having already had one very much not-Velcro baby. My parenting is the same, if not more laid back with baby #2, happier to hand over to anyone who’ll hold him, can’t get to him as quickly as I have a 2YO. Reading this, I am not sure if I should be blaming myself for my own failings right now because I’ve been too high needs, but if I have, then it doesn’t account for the enormous difference between my first (chilled) and second (velcro) borns.

I would never expect my SIL to be coordinating visits from my parents and me to see my brothers kids. Obviously I go via him or via our group chat that we're all in.

Agreed

1. Stop facilitating visits for MIL. She is not your responsibility.

1. If MIL's family ring you up or confront you in person to criticise you, hang up / walk away. Do not engage with these awful people.

1. Get a divorce. Your H is a prick. He fucks off every evening to play sports, has a lie in every weekend, complains about being tired while you don't even have time to BRUSH YOUR TEETH? What an absolute bastard he is. If you can't bring yourself to divorce yet, stop doing anything for him. No laundry, no cleaning up after him, nothing. In fact, try a trial separation. Send him packing to his mother's house, she can deal with him. If you divorced, you'd have no man-child to look after. It'd just be you and your precious baby. Do not waste another minute of your life on this awful sorry excuse of a husband / father.

1. You are not pathetic. You have raised a baby all by yourself, while dealing with a shit, selfish husband and shit, selfish in-laws, are back at work and are doing your best for your baby. You are amazing.

1. See point 3. Get a divorce. You'll be much happier.

1. Go see your GP. You sound like you need some support. GP is a good place to start.

I'd be sending my husband to visit the in laws with the baby so I had five minutes to myself!

Blows my mind!

I have one of those babies, he’s 14 months now. Unless you’ve had one, you don’t know what it’s like. My first wasn’t like this so it is not a PFB thing / something you’re doing wrong. I am so exhausted that I have been sent for an MRI due to the doctors thinking I have nervous system issues. The “help” is me taking the baby to visit family. I can’t give any advice but know you’re not alone and to those questioning why you can’t have a moment to yourself, I get you. You really don’t get a moment, not to wee, not to brush your teeth. If you do those things, it’s met with so much screaming that it takes a long time to attempt to settle, it’s either not worth it or exhausting to do it anyway. Reach out to me if you need to chat so you feel less alone x

Or, rise above it

She has cancelled on me in the past and I’ve just accepted it
next time make a massive song and dance, tell her she's not allowed to cancel, etc, serve her own medicine right back to her

She just sounds like a batshit child-woman!
Does she come from a culture where daughter-in-laws are expected to unquestioningly obey the MIL?

Your husband is a knob, your MIL is a secondary issue that would be resolved by sorting the husband.
But you can lie the baby on a mat for five minutes to clean your teeth....bit of a stretch blaming MIL for that one!

I'm not for one second saying she's reasonable in the way she treats you, I'm just saying that she probably is genuinely devastated when you cancel.

Clearly your lack of support is the biggest issue here though, regardless of his mother.

OP, if you're struggling with your mood, self care and relationships, can I suggest approaching your local Home Start for some support from one of their volunteers?

I used to volunteer there myself and found it's the simple things that make the difference - someone to hold the baby for a bit, someone to chat to about what's going on right now and what you want for the future, go for a walk with now the weather's nicer, perhaps take care of things while you shower and brush teeth. Basically, someone for 1-2 hours a week to help you with the small steps towards things getting better. The volunteers are really carefully screened and trained. Sometimes there are groups you can join too.

You might have started this thread about your MIL, but your husband is the real problem here - and I think you know that. In the event that you can bring yourself to have sex with him, given how deeply unattractively he is behaving, PLEASE for the love of GOD use every form of contraception known to humanity.

And you know, I would think about leaving. You're back at work, baby is at nursery, and even if he is a high earner, it feels like your standard of living would be considerably improved by NOT having him in the picture. It's vanishingly unlikely he will look for shared custody, except to be a bastard about it, but even if he does, at least you get some proper PROPER time off to rest. He does nothing, so you wouldn't have more to do as a single parent than you do now.

Your MIL isn't really doing anything wrong. But my goodness, your husband is doing EVERYTHING wrong. I can't imagine he'd be particularly surprised or bothered if you just left.

I've figured out the issue, your husband is a massive prat, and doesn't want to be a dad.
LTB
And i mean that literally. If the only concern you have is bills and how a divorce will effect your child.
Your relationship is over, start preparing.

And I hope it gets better.

You’re not a failure OP! Far from it, you’ve survived a tough time with very little support.

Some babies are just Velcro babies and it’s tough, you do what you need to do to get by and they eventually grow into the next stage.

You’ve been badly let down by your DH in so many ways. Leave your MIL to him 100% and focus on doing what you need to do to feel better.

Sending love and strength!

You’re not pathetic OP. Far from it. You are holding down the (parenting) fort solo 24/7. That is a tough role. Your DH however, is a shit bag. I’d just divorce him as he clearly does fuck all and you’ll then have one less baby to deal with and get rid of MIL at the same time. No point bitching about your H to your MIL though, men like this don’t change so it’s a complete waste of your energy. Focus on yourself and baby and cut that dead weight from your life.

I agree with pp that you sound like you're drowning and blaming yourself for everything when it's your husband who isn't helping you.

I know what it's like to be completely alone with babies and zero breaks and how easy it is to feel overwhelmed. It's easier to do it alone though than be part of a marriage where the expectation is all on you to cope while he lives his life as he did before baby arrived.

You have a shit husband and allowed yourself to fall into the trap of feeling that allowing your child to cry was the same as making her cry.

I'm sorry your MIL has upset you but I think this is really something you need to hand over to aforementioned useless husband. If she can't/won't engage and then bitches behind your back, then draw a line under it and he can deal with her.

Also start leaving the baby with him and going out on your own.

In all honesty I would stop making any effort with your MIL. Let her whinging and gossiping to other family members be true.
Shes not able to help you, can’t even be bothered to speak to you when she visits and she is dragging your mental health down. Don’t enable her visits, leave it to your DH.
Get rid of any expectations of her, she is never going to meet them. She also sounds like the sort of woman where nothing you do will be good enough anyway. His family will gossip about you whatever you do. You need to focus on yourself and carve time out for you. Your husband need to step up, but he sounds as useless as the rest of his family.

You have been describing yourself as ‘pathetic’ on this thread. First step in self-care for you is to stop thinking of yourself that way. You are not pathetic. You have a lot on your plate because you have useless inlaws and a husband who are not supporting you when you need it the most.

As your baby gets older and more independent things will get easier.