to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

I first left mine for 48 hours at 18 months. Boy did I pay for it. For weeks after he wouldn’t settle down at night without me in the room. We had to sleep train in the end. Maybe that was because he was older and more aware - but in hindsight I wouldn’t have gone (conference in Europe that I wasn’t particularly bothered about - not my main research area, but I was part of a research team).

I hadn’t had any dread like you’re describing- I was actually looking forward to the break. In your shoes I’d not go. I’d invent an illness.

Genuine curiosity….are you not exhausted? Would you not like a break and to do something for yourself? :)

Oh I get this so much OP! It’s the primal instinct, why would you want to away from your baby? It’s so ingrained in our DNA. I cry everytime I have to leave my kids for an extended time frame. Hate going on work trips just generally hate being away from them and I get the same gut dreading feeling.

However it’s not real life to be with them 24/7…as much as I want too! I know it feels unnatural but go, put on your best smile, allow dad to have some good 1-1 bonding time and try to enjoy yourself.

If I were your friend, I'd think you were being OTT. Your baby is 9months and being cared for by their other parent. It's only 48 hours. You are bridesmaid.

Same. If she's happy with her dad, I don't see a problem.

I may in the minority as I went to New York and left my kids with their grandparents when they were little. They both had a whale of a time and we enjoyed the break.

I would be careful following advice on maintaining friendships from people on MN, a lot of posters are quite open about the fact they don’t have friends.

Mums who have time away from their children don’t do it because they feel no anxiety. They do it because they know that adult friendships are part of what makes us happy and that it’s worth trying to overcome those anxieties for a couple of days in order to maintain those friendships.

Just go. This isn’t about how anxious you feel or whether you’ll even enjoy it. It’s about not being a shit friend by cancelling last minute for no good reason other than a little normal anxiety.

Don't go op. You are allowed to say no to things. If you feel uncomfortable telling the bride the reason just say you and baby have a tummy bug. Motherhood is hard especially the first year or so and none of us can anticipate how we will feel. You won't enjoy the weekend if you are dreading going.

Just to add, I totally agree with this advice - if you’re not going LIE! Don’t say you didn’t want to leave baby at the 11th hour, people without babies won’t understand and anyone with a baby who is going will feel judged (even though you’re not judging them) so to save peoples feelings say you’ve woken up with D&V or whatever.

Is there any cheaper but slower alternative to flying that gets you there a day later?

You can not go for any reason, but it actually might be good for you to push yourself in this case, since it's anxiety based, not facts based.

I doubt the bride planned her hen party to coincide with the fact that one of her btidesmaids had a baby 9 months before. These things often an inconvenience for someone despite good planning.
OP, go! In a year you'll be praying for a couple of days freedom!!

My sils hen was 10m after ds was born but they planned it while I was pregnant. 2 nights away in a city 3 hours from us. I originally declined aa I didn't know how I would feel plus I was planning to breast feed and didn't know where that would be and I didn't know sils friends. However a few dropped out and mil was going for one night so I ended up going for the one night.
It was fine but I was glad it wasn't longer.

I'd either go and suck it up from the sake of the friendship. Or I'd lie and say you and dd have a vomiting bug.

Otherwise your friend may find it hard to forgive.

Just another perspective op. I have a 5 month old (my 2nd DC) and 2 weeks ago I had to be taken into hospital via ambulance, and was there for about 10 hours, followed by a few more hours for further scans/wait to see consultant etc.

My hospital is 15 mins from me, but it still didn’t mean I was able to get home quickly to my baby, so distance away is not always relative to this.

Go and enjoy a break :)

What a load of OTT bollocks. Doesn’t mean her friend doesn’t care about her at all.

It sounds as though your baby will be absolutely fine with your DH. However if you don't want to go to the hen, don't go - surely it's not an obligation.

When it comes to the actual wedding itself, I would agree with you... if you make it hard for your guests to attend whether through using a venue with no nearby accommodation or no child policy etc then you can only expect people to decline.

However, regardless of the fact that this is pretty standard stuff for a hen, it is only now becoming a problem due to OPs increasing anxiety about attending, it really isn't about what anyone else could or should have done/considered at the time of organising so I think its misdirected and undeserved flack on the bride and misses the actual source of OPs difficulty.

Given that OP is the only one travelling and the Bride doesn't know about it, I think it's safe to say your criticism isn't called for.

Ahh it’s hard to leave them when they’re little OP.

Honestly though I think you should go, because dropping out last minute when you’re a bridesmaid isn’t great and will likely upset your friend. It’s totally different to declining in the first place due to the baby.

Is it possible to change flights and just go for one night or something? This is a close friend and given your baby’s welfare is not in any way going to be jeopardised by you going, I do think it’s important you make the effort for her.

It just depends on what they value more, the venue or being surrounded by friends. If it is the venue, they should be ok with some people not being able to attend.

Respectfully, no, the friend has absolutely no reason to even think that this should be a problem, people have their hens in others cities all the time, this is not unusual.

*aren't

What you've described there OP is unfortunately anxiety though - the intense dread. For whatever reason it is now manifesting in you, I think firstly you need to recognise it for what it is, acknowledge it is borne out of irrational thoughts and balance that out with rational thought.

So like other PP have said, the likelihood is your child will be absolutely fine and if you allow yourself, you can go and enjoy yourself.

Don't feed the irrational thoughts OP, it can spiral and before you know it, create a bigger issue. I work in MH with a mum who is now entirely uncomfortable with the idea of sending their child to school or childcare as a result of their anxiety. Anxiety if not recognised can grow legs and run if not properly addressed.

But it is just 48 hours and she's with her dad. Honestly, you are being totally PFB. Why do you need to get back easily? You they being rational.

If you don't fancy it, stay home.
I have left mine with their father at that age and they had great fun. If you decide to go don't feel bad about. Baby is safe with dad.