Page 5 | to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

Original poster

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 08:07

Not at all @SpoonyFish - you give very good advice!

OP posts:

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 08:06

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:04

Then you’re not worth having as a friend.

If I was OPs friend and she explained how anxious she was feeling, there is no way I would expect her to come.

It’s not PFB, I felt like it about all my children when they were so young. Yes, children are precious to their parents, saying PFB is just another way to shame women who don’t behave how others think they should. Fuck that.

Show quote history

What’s PFB?

Original poster

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 08:05

Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

Show quote history

My husband isn’t offended at all because, as I’ve explained, I don’t doubt his confidence. He looks after DD alone all the time. I’m only her primary caregiver when he’s working, otherwise it is a fully equal split. This is about how I feel being far away from my baby; I’ve zero concerns for her wellbeing. I’ve also made it clear I’m not going to cancel but that’s because I don’t want to upset my friend and affect her weekend - there is absolutely zero chance that she’d terminate the friendship over something like this!

OP posts:

beAsensible1 · 26/04/2024 08:04

Gently.

baby is with their father, they will be fine. It’s just a bit of separation anxiety which is normal and expected. But honestly they will be ok.

trust yourself and trust your DH.

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:04

Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

Show quote history

Then you’re not worth having as a friend.

If I was OPs friend and she explained how anxious she was feeling, there is no way I would expect her to come.

It’s not PFB, I felt like it about all my children when they were so young. Yes, children are precious to their parents, saying PFB is just another way to shame women who don’t behave how others think they should. Fuck that.

Horticultured · 26/04/2024 08:02

I would feel hurt and let down if I was your friend, her dad will be looking after her and she will be absolutely fine!

You are a bridesmaid for your friend and she will be expecting you to be there. I would totally understand if you didn't have childcare but I would personally think it sounded like an excuse if my bridesmaid cancelled on my hen for childcare reasons even though the child's dad was looking after her.

Why not arrange a facetime whilst you're on the hen? You are still your own person, live a little and enjoy it! Your baby is the most important thing in the world to you but other people also matter and you will be grateful when your child is older that you made the time and effort with others.

BigBadBarri · 26/04/2024 08:02

I’d be pretty offended if I was your partner that you didn’t trust me to look after my only child for 48 hours

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 08:02

Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

Show quote history

That’s all quite childish tbh.

It’s not about her husband, op said she trusts him, obviously. It’s about her not wanting to be away from her baby.

If a friend did what you suggest (uninvited and defriend because OP wants to be with her child), not much of a friendship there!

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 07:59

If its making you this anxious, then just don’t go.

I wouldn’t have left my children for 2 days at that age even though they had a loving and competent father. I left them when they were older without an issue.

If your anxiety continues as your child gets older or stops you from doing other things, then obviously see a doctor, but I think being reluctant to leave your 9 month old baby is fairly ‘normal’.

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 07:58

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:55

Thanks for the reply both. I’m generally not anxious at all and was able to leave her for an evening long before friends with similar aged babies felt comfortable doing so. As I said, DH is perfectly competent and I’ve got no specific concerns, just an intense dread in the pit of my stomach and a firm feeling that it’s too long and too far. I’m really hoping these feelings will dull when I leave (rather than escalating into even more panic than I feel now!) so it’s useful to hear that others did / would manage it…

Totally understand how you feel

‘intense dread in the pit of my stomach and a firm feeling that it’s too long and too far’

That feeling won’t go and will only feel worse if you’re there. I did it once, against my gut, didn’t enjoy it all and can still remember how I felt 12yrs later!

Theres no big thing about going, your friend will understand if they’re a good friend.xx

WineIsMyMainVice · 26/04/2024 07:55

Would it help if you had the odd video call during the weekend so that you can see she’s absolutely fine?
I hope you feel happy with whichever decision you make.

Herecomestreble1 · 26/04/2024 07:55

Have never left my 18 month old, still don't want to. If it means I miss out on things so be it, I couldn't care less what people thing tbh.

Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 04:17

I know. It’s not just 48 hours though, it’s also being so physically far away without the means to return early easily. Sadly being bridesmaid doesn’t cancel out how I’m feeling currently …

Show quote history

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

PurpleChrayn · 26/04/2024 07:51

My visceral reaction is not to go.

You're a biological dyad. It makes sense that you don't want to be away from her.

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 07:47

Springissprung24 · 26/04/2024 06:59

OP, I always hate this type of thread as it draws in so much judgement. The tone of some people’s replies really does insinuate any mother who doesn’t want to leave her baby must be really strange. I don’t judge those who leave their babies when they’re very young, I just know that I never wanted to. And I turned down a number of social events that I turned down due to being away from my baby for too long, including a hen do when he was six months old. Contrary to what seems the be believed by a lot of people on this thread, I was never anxious. I just didn’t want to leave him, it didn’t sit right with me. I wasn’t worried he was going to come to any harm, I wasn’t catastrophising, it simply felt wrong for me. I don’t want you to take away from this thread that how you feel about your baby is weird or that you need to work on being more comfortable being away from her. Once my son was a bit bigger, I naturally felt happier to leave him, I went for a 3 day weekend in Dublin when he was 18 months old and he stayed with grandparents. I missed him but I had reached the point I was comfortable with a stay away - I think this point just comes at different stages for different women.

With all of this being said, I do think you would be wrong to cancel now. I’m going to be a bridesmaid for a close friend this year and I can’t imagine cancelling going to her hen do with such short notice. I think you should go because it could be damaging to your friendship to bail out now. In future I think you need to work on being able to say no! You can say no to social occasions and not feed bad about it, whatever the reason is. This not wanting to leave your baby hasn’t just appearing within the last few days. You’ve not dealt with this before now when you could have and by cancelling this late you’d be disappointing your friend.

I hope I didn't sound judgemental in my response to OP. I absolutely agree, each mum will feel comfortable in their own time and you're right, e.g. at 6 months if exclusively breastfeeding, you physically couldn't leave your baby, so that's different altogether. I think just in the context of OPs reasoning, it is anxiety based and better to be managed than necessarily given into. I remember having the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach when it came to driving on my own for the first time but I had committed to going to my little cousins birthday party and I didn't want to let her down so I pushed through it and was very glad I did.

MollyRover · 26/04/2024 07:43

I went away for a night (around 36 hrs total) when DC2 was around the same age, breastpump in tow as I was still breastfeeding at the time. I didn't leave until DC1 was 18 months though and that would have been physically easier without breastfeeding. It would be hard but it is mom guilt and nothing else. You've said already that DH is perfectly capable, it might be ultimately good for you to have some time to yourself. I know my mental health was really suffering when I was a first time mum, I wish I'd done more for myself to be honest.

HGC2 · 26/04/2024 07:41

I think it’s the fact it’s a plane away that’s the scariest part, I still get that and my kids are big!

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 07:33

Maray1967 · 26/04/2024 06:47

I first left mine for 48 hours at 18 months. Boy did I pay for it. For weeks after he wouldn’t settle down at night without me in the room. We had to sleep train in the end. Maybe that was because he was older and more aware - but in hindsight I wouldn’t have gone (conference in Europe that I wasn’t particularly bothered about - not my main research area, but I was part of a research team).

I hadn’t had any dread like you’re describing- I was actually looking forward to the break. In your shoes I’d not go. I’d invent an illness.

Babies get separation anxiety too of course and have really no tools to manage it yet so it is also in their best interests to gradually spend time away from you while they're in their earlier stages of development (so they recognise that you always come back!) Then it doesn't end up being such a big jolt to their world when they're a toddler.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 26/04/2024 07:33

You sound really reluctant to be that far away, it's perfectly fine to prioritise your baby. You can explain that you're not able to go, hope its not too dissapointing but your struggling with some anxiety at the moment and don't want to go away and be talking about how you feel worried. This is in no way a reflection on your friendship. Put a little gift pack together for your friend to contribute to the trip. Let them know today and you'll feel so much better.

Capmagturk · 26/04/2024 07:32

If you're panicking due to anxiety just try lots of rational thoughts. You've already been away a night or two and she was absolutely fine, that wasn't due to the distance, being further away won't make a difference shel be okay with her daddy and the time for you will go quickly - defo make sure you get sleep if you're sleep deprived. Go enjoy yourself, you deserve the break and it's nice for dads to have a bit of time one on one with the baby. The time will likely go so quick and you're friend will be delighted to have you there.

Copperoliverbear · 26/04/2024 07:28

I would not go if it was me, for lots of reasons, one being I would not leave my children, two hen party's aren't my thing and three I don't drink.
If you told your friend how it's affecting you would she understand.
if you felt like this when you were asked you should have plucked up the courage to say i wont be coming.
in future just say from the beginning to save yourself all the stress, my friends know now, unless its just a meal out or cinema i wont go, but I've learnt to say no now from the off and its easier.
i used to be a people pleaser but now i just do what pleases me and my family x

Conniebygaslight · 26/04/2024 07:27

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:37

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

I wouldn’t expect anyone with a baby or toddlers to come away overnight. I’d invite them with a caveat to refuse without any ill feeling. Of course this is because I have children (albeit now grown). Your feelings are completely natural. Sorry I have no advice other than whatever you do won’t be wrong. X

sandgrown · 26/04/2024 07:27

When my daughter was 8 months old I had to leave her with my mum for 2 weeks while I went to America. She was absolutely fine and had a great time with my parents . She is 42 now and we are still very close . Your baby will be fine . She is being looked after by someone who loves her . Take the opportunity to enjoy some child free time .

kikisparks · 26/04/2024 07:25

Oh but I did turn it down off the bat, I didn’t agree and then cancel later.

kikisparks · 26/04/2024 07:23

I turned down a hen do when DD was that age, no regrets. She’s 2.5 now and only recently would I consider leaving her overnight but haven’t done it yet. It’s your choice, if you don’t feel comfortable don’t go.