to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

It’s possible to take your baby with you to all of those places. It’s passive aggressive to tell someone that they ‘must’ have done it.

So weird people are asking you if you're an anxious mother because you don't want to leave your 9 month old. Seems very passive aggressive of them to imply you're not normal in your feelings. Personally I think it's completely normal OP and it's weirder to happily swan off for a weekend so early!

My baby is 9 months and I wouldn't leave her overnight yet. In fact the most I would leave her for is about 5 hours because she's breastfed. I would have no qualms in saying no to a hen party. I just wouldn't enjoy it knowing I was far away from my lovely baby. When she's a little older I am sure I'll feel differently but until then I'm happy to follow my instincts.

I'm sure they would be fine with people not being able to attend - for any reason not just the baby-trumps-everything brigade. If the person refused the invite at the time. What theyll probably not be fine with (and understandably so, because its incredibly rude) is someone dropping out last minute for a non-essential reason.

You will get some skewed replies on here, OP, because MN hates hen parties (and lots of posters seem to have weird ideas about friendships).

You are of course not being unreasonable to FEEL the way you do -its literally evolutionary biology, women are programmed not to want to leave their young when they are defenceless - but some of those innate physiological reactions aren't appropriate in 2024. Your baby isn't going to be eaten by a tiger if you go out hunting.

If you had any real concerns about baby's welfare - she was ill or someone new looking after her it could be justifiable. But leaving her with her dad is good for her, for him and for you.

I have a 17 month old and im yet to spend even just 1 night away from her 😅.

The most iv done so far is a full day but the thought of not being there for her in the night and morning even though shes a brilliant sleeper, just makes me feel anxious.

Is there anyway that you can go for just 1 day or 2 days and 1 night and just go home in the early evening of the second day? Its such a touch situation to navigate.

I left my 5 month old for 48 hours, also for a hen where I was a bridesmaid. I hated every second of it. I normally like "forced fun" activities and would have loved the idea of going dancing etc, but really had to fake it.

I was so happy to be home!

You've spent the money so you might as well go now, but be prepared not to enjoy any of it 😂

I think it'll be okay when you get there - not to sound flippant but a glass of wine at the airport, a good book or film downloaded, and when you get there and see everyone, it feels different.

I felt the same leaving my first who is two now. I'd committed to a trip in a similar way to you. Felt totally overwhelmed also, and anxious about it, not least because I was still EBF and so travelling with my pump. In the end I had a brilliant time, baby barely noticed I'd gone, and had a lovely time with his dad (who is also competent like yours)

Every business trip or wedding away I get some of the same feeling - I know rationally it'll be fine and they'll be well cared for, but just can't explain it. Once I'm on the way it's fine, I just have anxiety in the buildup to the trip.

I hope you have a brilliant time on the hen. If you don't enjoy it, you can always turn down future invites for a few months til you feel more comfortable

But you’ve already spent time away from her - if it was your first time spending time away I’d absolutely agree you don’t want to go far, but you’ve spent time away, you know she’ll be absolutely fine with your DH and they’ll have a lovely time, and it’s only a few days away so I’d go personally (and like you, I’d feel incredibly anxious and be umm-ing and ahh-ing but then have a lovely time and wonder why I was so worried!) x

@Ponderingwindow

this! Are you exaggerating a bit?? 😀

You must have left her for more than an hour before 9 months? What about doctors, dentists, hairdressers, coffee with friends? They all take longer than an hour including travel time!

I'll defend the Op here the 'incase something happens' is nothing to do with how much you trust the person you are leaving your baby with.

The 'something' is about things outwith anyone's control, accident & illness, and wanting to get home to a poorly child.
Or knowing the child is unsettled and you can't get back to them.

You know the odds of the child being ill or injured is low, you know the person in charge will treat them and seek help if appropriate.

Which makes the fear completely irrational.

@Henpartydilemma Trying to reduce the fear of not being able to get home should LO be ill. Do you have travel insurance?
If you don't it might be worth it to have it just for your own piece of mind, esp as your journey is an expensive flight and alternatives like trains are £££.

You'll be distracted so the time will pass quickly, and baby doesn't have the ability to have much concept of time yet. Its probably easier for her than if it was a local set of activities with you coming and going, as then she'd have to keep repeating the inital upset of you leaving.

@FastFood

why?

Yes, you’re right she may not enjoy it (but she might). However what’s certain is that her friend the hen will feel disappointed if she’s not there. I think if she goes with the attitude that she’s there for her friend, and as a bonus she might enjoy it, that’s better than having the attitude that she’ll definitely hate every minute.

Also all this ‘it’ll do you good’ stuff, it might do OP good, or maybe it won’t. At that age, if I was away from my children for more than 4/5 hours, I started to feel shit and I wanted to get back to them. Having nights away wouldn’t have done me any good at all nor would knowing I was far away from them. For some parents they may enjoy it, which is absolutely fine, but it’s not for everyone. It’s so strange that there’s so much pressure put on parents to be comfortable with things they’re not comfortable with, which will usually sort themselves out in time.

I think this is one of those times when you should “feel the fear and do it anyway”

You know it’s not rational and you know your friend will be disappointed at such a late drop out, especially when there’s not actually anything preventing you coming.

Don’t be a flake and go. Your baby will be fine, you know this. It will feel weird and bedtimes will be hard (you can facetime) but you’ll also enjoy it I suspect and it may do you some good to let your hair down baby free.

YANBU for not wanting to leave your child, just like you wouldn’t be unreasonable to be fine with it.

I was happy to have nights out when my children were babies but I didn’t leave them overnight or for longer periods until they were 3+, as that’s what felt right for me and my children. I ignored anyone telling me I ‘had to’ or ‘should’, which I was told quite often.

I remember a friend of my cousin telling me that I was boring for not wanting to leave my second baby, at 11 months old, to go on my cousins hen do abroad for a week. She was leaving her slightly older baby to go, and even though I didn’t say anything about that, as it’s none of my business, she said she felt judged by me purely because I wasn’t going. 🤯 I think lots of people take it as judgement of their own decisions which is why they try to belittle your feelings, talk about PFBs or tell you that you have to go and it’ll be good for you. I wasn’t judging anyone, I was thinking of me and my kids only.

When I started leaving my kids for longer periods, I didn’t have anxiety as I knew my kids were happy being left, excited to stay with other people and I was ready to leave them. It hasn’t impacted my friendships at all despite us all feeling ready at different times to leave our kids. We all love each other and so just accepted what each other was comfortable with.

If it's causing you so much distress, I'd cancel. Neither option is wrong but you have to do what feels right for you and ultimately, it's your decision. My youngest is 15 months old and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him for two nights, so I just wouldn't do it.

OP, please go.

As someone who is an anxiety sufferer, I know if I felt the same as you I would spiral if I didn’t go and it would be more detrimental in the long run.

I have a 5 week old, and we were due to go to vegas in November (which we’ve had to postpone not due to baby) and I know I would have felt the same, but I also know my mum would have physically put me on the plane if I changed my mind. Mum was having her (will be having her when we go next June) as DH is coming with me (it’s a present for him all planned after my miscarriage so was not thinking we would have a baby by then).

ETA - I completely get that it’s nothing to do with concerns about your DH looking after your baby. It’s more about you, the only thing to be blunt about is it’s your MH taking over.

Personally I think you’re being massively OTT but then it doesn’t really matter what I think. What I would say though is does DH know you effectively don’t trust him to look after your baby? I’m being a bit blunt because, despite you saying he’s perfectly competent (which feels like quite the backhanded complement), you’re saying he won’t be able to deal with the “in case something happens” issue you have.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable because I would have felt exactly the same. But I was breastfeeding at this point and my babies didn’t take bottles so it wasn’t really an option. It’s pretty nice if you are able to go and you are confident baby will be ok. If that is the case then I would do it.

Op I've walked in your shoes.
Just after DS was born, We were was invited to an event miles away, the event was in 9mths time.
I agreed to it thinking 9mths is yonks away it will be fine.

As the event got nearer I really didn't want to go. But I knew I wasn't thinking rationally, there was no logical reason not to go.
Baby was being looked after by my DMum who was also looking forward to it. But I remember doing exactly as you are, planning the emergency 'how do I get back should something go wrong'

I couldn't even bring it up with DH because my feelings made no sense and we'd committed to the event.

We went and had a great time it was lovely just to be me. I don't even remember getting back to the baby after it.

Whoops I should have clarified. DH is available to look after her but as I didn’t want to be without her for that length of time and a relative was available and keen and flights are expensive and we have cat care to organise and he has lots on at work, it made sense for him to remain at home.

I'd assumed your husband would be looking after her at home, that's why I was struggling to work out why you'd arranged to take her to stay with a relative when she could be at home with her dad.

We're all different but I'd echo what PPs have said about wearing different hats to just being a mum. I've had the most stressful year of my life and my oldest friends have single-handedly got me through it so I'm grateful that I put them first on occasions when I was juggling my kids too.