to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

Henpartydilemma · 2024-04-26T01:37:56+00:00

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other. From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it. The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/05/2024 14:22

beanii · 30/04/2024 20:06

YANBU

Absolutely hate this trend of expensive, over the top hen/stag do's.

Over commercialised nonsense.

Use the time and money to go away with your little family.

@beanii

“
Use the time and money to go away with your little family”

but she’s with her “little family “ all the time though. What about her friends? It’s so important to not neglect friendships once you become a wife and mum

MollyRover · 01/05/2024 09:16

Henpartydilemma · 01/05/2024 08:35

This thread has been reignited a bit which has reminded me to update - I went, missed baby incredibly but did enjoy myself and am glad I did it. Won’t do it again anytime soon though!

I'm delighted you went, glad you had a great time OP

Needanewname42 · 01/05/2024 08:37

Good choice Op. Glad you went.

Original poster

Henpartydilemma · 01/05/2024 08:35

This thread has been reignited a bit which has reminded me to update - I went, missed baby incredibly but did enjoy myself and am glad I did it. Won’t do it again anytime soon though!

OP posts:

cherish123 · 30/04/2024 23:08

YANBU
I didn't want to leave my 6 Yr old to go to hen. 9mths is really young. Could you have another night out with bride yourself.

TigerTraveller · 30/04/2024 22:52

Mine is 13 and have rarely left her over the years. But age 9 months and again at 1year 9 months; I had to attend university mandatory courses involving a week away each year at Nottingham University. So she was with grandparents for almost a week and transferred to great aunt/uncle on last night due to parents having booked to go away themselves. She was fine 🙂

Iwishikneweverything · 30/04/2024 22:20

Hi. I’m at the opposite end of the parenting scale to you. Children all grown up and left the nest. Felt all your emotions. But 48 hours in the scheme of things isn’t much. You have a whole lifetime together. Go off and enjoy yourself. Your hubby sounds more than capable. You’ll be refreshed when you return and ready to get stuck in again. We all need a break from our children . It’s good for you and them. Enjoy your wedding

CosyLemur · 30/04/2024 21:50

Could your DH follow with the baby after? So you're not so far away for so long? Also if anything did happen which is highly unlikely you're still in the UK so would be able to get home quickly

Mrsgus · 30/04/2024 21:34

It's perfectly natural to be worried about leaving your little one but they are going to be in very safe hands, with their daddy. Try not to stress and just go and let your hair down for the 2 nights. It's only a relatively short period of time and will fly by once you're there. Just think of the positives, rather than the negatives. You will be making happy memories with your friends and then will get the excitement of coming home to your babu and DH. Enjoy it!!

Givemethesun · 30/04/2024 21:26

I’m surprised at the messages here. OP if you don’t feel comfortable or don’t want to leave your baby then don’t. You are allowed to put you and your baby first. Your friend should understand. I personally wouldn’t have been able to go at nine months as I was still BF my baby to sleep, so really I’m surprised at the quantum of messages here saying it’s so easy to go off for two nights at 9 months - it’s really not! And regardless, even if it is physically easy to leave baby because they’re bottle fed, back to my original point - it’s still down to YOU and YOUR preference. Your friend should understand. Best of luck xx

Notamum12345577 · 30/04/2024 20:59

We left ours when she was 9-10 months old with grandparents so we could go to a wedding 7/8 hours drive hours for 3 nights. She was totally fine, but I can understand your anxiety. There is no right or wrong what ever you decide.

bongogirl · 30/04/2024 20:18

I felt very similar to you when I left my child for the first time, i dreaded something that I should’ve been looking forward to. I had dreams about going, would wake up panicking etc. I went away for the 3 nights abroad with a group of friends and absolutely loved it. Honestly, go and enjoy. I bet you’d regret it if you don’t x

Sportbilly79 · 30/04/2024 20:13

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 06:42

Thank you all for the input.

To clarify, I’m really not planning to cancel. I don’t want to do that to my friend and I’ve already not got to be as present as I wanted for wedding planning. I just wish there was a way to make it easier but I really have exhausted flight options. I’m definitely not frustrated by the location. I’m the one who lives somewhere unreasonable and it works for everyone else, including the newer mother.

Just surprised at how hard it feels. Genuinely feels like I’m going away without one of my limbs .

@Henpartydilemma I’m going on my own hen do this weekend (3 nights abroad) and feel the same as you, albeit I also feel really excited about it too! My daughter is 18 months old and this will be the first time I’ve left her overnight. She will be with her dad so I am holding onto that fact when I think about leaving her. Do what is right for you, and if you go I hope you have an amazing time.

beanii · 30/04/2024 20:06

YANBU

Absolutely hate this trend of expensive, over the top hen/stag do's.

Over commercialised nonsense.

Use the time and money to go away with your little family.

Invisiblewomanapparently · 26/04/2024 19:59

Completely understand how you feel OP. I agreed to a weekend in Europe whilst pregnant for when my baby would be just over one and no longer bf. I had no idea what a major wrench this would be . I had a practice night away a few weeks before the actual weekend of two nights . I felt better once I had left DD, enjoyed myself and was thrilled to be home. DD had been happy at home with Daddy and Grandma. Good luck, whatever you decide 💐.

spannered · 26/04/2024 19:52

@1offnamechange OP agreed to go with a plan in place which meant the baby travelled with her. That plan has fallen through and there is no alternative that allows the baby to travel with her. Had she of known that the baby couldn't travel with her, she may well have never committed. OP has said many times that her husband is capable. It isn't about the welfare of the baby, it's about how OP feels about leaving the baby (which is completely normal!).

Headtothestreets · 26/04/2024 19:23

Your baby will almost certainly, be absolutely fine. But if you don't want to go, because you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby so long/ so far away, just cancel going. If the bride is a true friend, she'll understand.

1offnamechange · 26/04/2024 19:09

spannered · 26/04/2024 16:54

Really surprised by the number of posters that think hen dos are the be all and end all. I missed two hen dos when I was pregnant, and my SIL's hen do when baby was 6 months old because I didn't want to stay away over night. No one booted off or stamped their feet over it.

When I had my hen do recently I had it during the daytime and in our city as I didn't want to be away from my baby overnight. I told my bridesmaid with a baby who lives hours away that while I would love her there, I totally understand if she doesn't want to come, and she didn't. We still have an amazing friendship.

I have no anxiety about my (now) husband's ability to look after her, I simply don't want to be away from her for more than a few hours at a time. I wouldn't expect friends of mine to demand my attendance at anything if I don't want to be there. I wouldn't ask my friends to do something they don't feel comfortable with.

The only issue is that you committed in the first place but you had a plan in place which has fallen through!

yes, and if the plan that had fallen through had been the only plan I'd like to think the friends would be understanding. But DH looking after the baby is an equally viable and suitable plan in terms of baby's safety and overall care - OP just doesn't want to do it.

And 'I've committed to something that is important to you but last minute I've decided I just don't want to do it,' isn't a nice thing to do for any reason - baby or no baby.

I haven't seen literally anyone say hen do's are the be all and end all, either? You've completely made that up. Although there have been posters that have made their decision that OP shouldn't attend just because THEY personally hate hen do's, which is bizarre.

My view would be exactly the same whatever the event. If you've committed to someone/something you shouldn't let them down unless you absolutely have to, it's just basic manners.

rwalker · 26/04/2024 17:37

be nice for DH to have all that 1-2-1 with her

Original poster

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 17:34

spannered · 26/04/2024 16:54

Really surprised by the number of posters that think hen dos are the be all and end all. I missed two hen dos when I was pregnant, and my SIL's hen do when baby was 6 months old because I didn't want to stay away over night. No one booted off or stamped their feet over it.

When I had my hen do recently I had it during the daytime and in our city as I didn't want to be away from my baby overnight. I told my bridesmaid with a baby who lives hours away that while I would love her there, I totally understand if she doesn't want to come, and she didn't. We still have an amazing friendship.

I have no anxiety about my (now) husband's ability to look after her, I simply don't want to be away from her for more than a few hours at a time. I wouldn't expect friends of mine to demand my attendance at anything if I don't want to be there. I wouldn't ask my friends to do something they don't feel comfortable with.

The only issue is that you committed in the first place but you had a plan in place which has fallen through!

I've been surprised too and it has made me second guess myself as a friend a bit! They're really not a big deal in my circle and I've already missed 2 because of the baby and only went to part of a third. All of the brides were very unbothered and said they hadn't expected me to go. I in turn sent prosecco and flowers and asked for lots of photos! I do put effort into maintaining my friendships but my friends are all lovely and mostly low maintenance and very aware of how tiring a baby can be and very happy to meet up on my schedule. I'm very grateful for this! This situation is of course different as so last minute, one of my closest friends and I'm bridesmaid. I genuinely had a plan to make it work as I know how important it is to show up for this friend.

OP posts:

spannered · 26/04/2024 16:54

Really surprised by the number of posters that think hen dos are the be all and end all. I missed two hen dos when I was pregnant, and my SIL's hen do when baby was 6 months old because I didn't want to stay away over night. No one booted off or stamped their feet over it.

When I had my hen do recently I had it during the daytime and in our city as I didn't want to be away from my baby overnight. I told my bridesmaid with a baby who lives hours away that while I would love her there, I totally understand if she doesn't want to come, and she didn't. We still have an amazing friendship.

I have no anxiety about my (now) husband's ability to look after her, I simply don't want to be away from her for more than a few hours at a time. I wouldn't expect friends of mine to demand my attendance at anything if I don't want to be there. I wouldn't ask my friends to do something they don't feel comfortable with.

The only issue is that you committed in the first place but you had a plan in place which has fallen through!

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 16:47

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 15:45

No. When I went to the dentist, DH brought her and stayed in the lobby and they took breaks. I literally did not leave her for 9 months. She was a very high needs baby who screamed bloody murder every second she was not touching me. She would only sleep on me.

we eventually figured out she had ASD.

Show quote history

There you go @LuckySantangelo35. Maybe you should think before you judge something you know nothing about.

How old were your children when you left your kids @LuckySantangelo35?

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 15:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2024 12:36

@Ponderingwindow

this! Are you exaggerating a bit?? 😀

Show quote history

No. When I went to the dentist, DH brought her and stayed in the lobby and they took breaks. I literally did not leave her for 9 months. She was a very high needs baby who screamed bloody murder every second she was not touching me. She would only sleep on me.

we eventually figured out she had ASD.

Ssssssssh · 26/04/2024 15:40

No chance I would have left mine at that age for a hen weekend so I understand.

TedTheCat · 26/04/2024 15:28

What theyll probably not be fine with (and understandably so, because its incredibly rude) is someone dropping out last minute for a non-essential reason.

My friends would have been fine with me dropping out in OPs circumstances, we’ve had similar things happen and would never think friends were rude. She agreed to go when she thought a relative could look after her baby close by, now that can’t happen.