To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP and you’re certainly not a failure. Is moving to a cheaper country a possibility? I’m going to go against the grain here and say it could be worth having the conversation with your PIL. An honest and frank conversation, they may surprise you and if not then at least you’ve tried.

and maybe approach it as a loan instead of a gift? So if your mortgage will cost x amount less than your rent before the rise, that’s the amount you’ll pay back per month (as a suggestion). I can’t imagine there are many parents out there who know their kids are struggling to the point of needing to consider living in a tent and can help but won’t.

wishing you all the best.

Are you in Australia OP? I suspect some here don't realise how truly awful the housing situation is there, even compared to the UK (you're not joking about the tents).

Either way, I'd say fuck it! I'd ask in the context of having to relocate to home/other country and when they say no take that as you final cue they will never help. And when you get yourself sorted be less available for holidays.

All the best OP, some here have been unnecessarily unkind .

I don’t think it would be Australia - the rental market is tight here but people with two salaries aren’t living in tents 😁. Cities here are big and spread out and you can easily move to a cheaper area, especially in Sydney where the public transport is reliable and cheap. I assumed it would be America.

It sounds like they think money is tight because of how they budget for things they want. You can ask, but if you’re not close I don’t see why they would…

I would start looking overseas. Suspect you are probably in the same country as me and it’s much cheaper to even live in Tokyo than any of our major cities. Make sure that wherever you go is far too small for guests.

I'm assuming your in Australia ?

And as for wether you should ask....why not but be prepared for them to say no if they have no history of helping you or offering beforehand

Ask your DH to tell them you are moving (not thinking about moving but moving) back to home country as you can't afford to live where you are and you really want to buy a home for your little family.
And see what their response is.

I wouldn't even ask. I would make plans to move to a place with lower costs of living. Make a happy family and don't look back. Why hang around then you don't have any relations to PIL?

“oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

What makes you think that there will be money 'left over'? They might need it to fund their retirement and to supplement their pensions as they get older. Many people downsize for this reason.

I would be very embarrassed to ask someone for money, especially as you don't have a close relationship with them. Also, you seem very judgemental about what they spend their money on. They have (presumably) built up their wealth over their lives and now want to enjoy it.

As others have said, you've made a poor decision about where to move to so perhaps, as it hasn't worked out, it's time to move back (or move on) to somewhere more affordable.

If you want to ask them then ask them. Just don’t pressure your husband into doing it. Sounds like they’ll say no but no harm in asking. But as this thread has already shown if they’re frugal and you go out for brunch or drive nice cars etc they’re probably going to think you’re wasteful and shouldn’t be asking for help when you have cash for other things.

You haven't let your dcs down at all. Why would you say that? They are fed and clothed and happy. How have you let them down?

They've lived in a second country, mine never have. They have had a wider experience than mine.

Everyone makes choices. I chose to stay in the UK and prioritise buying a home. You chose something different. Not necessarily wrong.

Your post is about you affording a mortgage/deposit, but your dcs don't care whether you own your house or rent it.

'How did you afford the deposit?'

I scrimped. Focused on that alone. While ds was tiny, I stayed in, no going out, no holidays, no takeaways, cooked from scratch, 10 year old car, careful with every penny. Rented the least expensive (truly grotty) one bed flat I could find, for me and ds. When they are tiny, kids don't notice. I suppose you'd call me tight too.

I only have one dc, but you have two salaries coming in.

And then I bought a doer-upper. Scruffy & tired. Needed a new kitchen & bathroom. New heating. Spent 5 years sorting it. Did much of the work myself. It isn't easy but it can be done.

“They can afford their lifestyle because they've made choices you consider "tight"”.

This 100%!

They can afford their lifestyle because they've made choices you consider "tight"

They moved to a different country to enjoy a better lifestyle they are retired and enjoying their time. That doesnt include babysitting.

If you cant afford it why are you there?
Move somewhere cheaper

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year

I’d call this smart, not tight. Holidays over anything. Each to their own.

OP made no mention of being encouraged by her in laws to move.

Perhaps the OP should hit her own parents up for a deposit.

Of course yabu.

You are two grown adults in full time employment. If you can't afford a house where you live, move somewhere less expensive. You don't need to be near your PILs and there is no close relationship to jeopardise.

Cut back on your life style to make savings.

I'm a single mum and I manage to buy a house by myself while caring for DS full time and working full time.

Why do you expect a handout?

Did they want you to move with an eye on you helping them as they age? I can't think of any other reason why they'd encourage you over there. Maybe moving back might focus their minds to want to help you more.

There's no harm in asking, if they say no then at least you'll know it is definitely not an option

Ask sooner rather than later though, then you can start planning for your future

What are your other options? If you can't afford to buy or rent where you currently are, will you look at staying in the country but moving to a cheaper city or would you look at moving country altogether?

Their son laughed. It is a non-starter.

what you can do is start making choices that prioritize your household’s financial well-being. Does that mean moving to a cheaper city? Perhaps you should return to your home country? You need to stop putting a relationship with PIL above your long-term
financial security.