To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

Sounds like you would genuinely be better off moving to London…!

look your pil are not going to be close family and where you live in not working for you…. so move.

also while @Meadowfinchs post is a bit harsh. There’s a kernel of truth in it. You haven’t prioritised housing.

i lived in shit holes and had a strict budget etc bought a total dump and didn’t go on holidays for over 2 years as all cash went on work and materials.
we delayed children to secure a house.
i did this because it was super important to me.
Everyone is making choices.

I do appreciate it’s tough
it’s also hard when family can help but won’t help (the reality is a lot of peoples parents DO gift them deposits)
you just aren’t in that position (neither was I) need to cut your cloth accordingly

What an awful thing to say. Scrounging?! I hope if you have kids you don’t make them feel like that’s what they’ll be doing if they ever come to you for help. I’d love nothing more than knowing my kids felt safe and comfortable enough to come to me in times of need.

Why would you make your kids live in a tent? Where your living isn’t viable for you or in future for your children.

You need to stop making assumptions about money and do some serious planning.

If you ask they may say yes if you don’t ask it is 100% wrong.
I would put it in a text message or email rather than ask them face to face that way they have a chance to think it over. Put down cost of childcare and rent etc so they have all the facts.

Also nothing wrong with asking, nothing wrong with then saying no.

Yes her pill are making choices so they can afford holidays however they are apparently constantly moaning about money?
And saying they can't afford to buy each other an Xmas present?

Op can you move somewhere else?

This. There is no close realationship to protect. You have to go where you can afford because honestly they have made it pretty clear you are not important to them. It's sad and they sound like jerks but it is what it is.

I would definitely ask for a loan, but not a gift. Have you told them about your rent being put up? As you don't see them very much have you considered relocating?

Sometimes, what people consider a “hand-out” can be more of a “hand-up.”

I don’t think I’d necessarily ask them to give you the money - because that does sound grabby. But working out a reasonable loan once you and your husband explain your circumstances to them and a reasonable repayment plan, doesn’t sound too outrageous.

Good luck, @AmITheGrabbyDIL

Australia's in a terrible place at the moment housing wise & people are absolutely living in tents & no. 2 incomes doesn't get you a house anymore if 40+ people are also on 2 incomes & the cost of housing has almost doubled in 5 years. But yes america would be another option I hadn't thought of

Out of curiosity OP where abouts are you & were there other reasons for moving/staying there or was it always about your inlaws ?

If that was me, I'd want my own house. There is nothing for you near your pil. They don't visit, offer child care, nothing. I'd return home and start saving up for a deposit. Explain to pil that you're struggling financially in their country, and you want to buy a house. So you're moving back home. Prioritie your family's needs. I couldn't rent long term, because how could you afford it when retired, with rising rent?

Can’t believe that was your first thought. Bloody hell.

She isn’t.

A huge number of people have help from families these days to buy, because the market is crazy.

If you can get help, it would be foolish not to take it.

If you don’t ask you don’t get. So do ask - the worst that can happen is they say no.

If it’s a no then you and your husband need to decide if you should move somewhere cheaper or cut your living expenses or both so you can afford a house.

This.
Don't degrade yourself by scrounging.

More on the house swap idea so you can see how we pitched it (calmly and sensibly with a plan and won... which was the only way to do it with my very 'tight' DF)

The figures on this are just hypothetical!

Big house value: 500k
Flat value: 200k

We 'bought' the big house from my Dp's for 210k (200 for flat money 10k for fees etc- we covered that as part of the deal)
Mortgage around 1k a month.

We then pay an extra 250 a month back towards the big house (interest free) so chipping off 3k a year. Parents use this to pay flat council tax etc which is handy for them.

Bit more complicated if dh has siblings, if so agree in advance a plan, ie flat sold at time passing value, but big house valued at date you bought it, then ensure the 3k a year 'parental mortgage' is deducted from value, ie you get that back as it was paid towards house purchase.

Hope that makes sense.

We were in your position. It's tough getting a house these days and as they are Mortgage free, this does feel like a good option- you never know, they might go for it!

I was just going off the fact that she said they might end up in a tent, but presumably they have two incomes and they’re still struggling (only based off the OP not mentioning anything unusual that would prevent one of them working).
Im only basing my knowledge on Sydney really where there are plenty of areas that are nice and are affordable for two income families. I do appreciate it might be harder in the more rural areas.

I would have no qualms at moving though in their position if they only moved to be closer to the PILs who aren’t bothered anyway.

I think it probably is. She never said two-income families are in tents, just families in tents, which is true.

Unfortunately the cheaper areas are usually on the outskirts of cities with limited or no public transport. It’s that, or go for a cheaper suburb closer to the city with massive social problems and high crime rates.

I don’t know why you don’t see them more, I always stand up for people on mn because it doesn’t always occur to the op that maybe they’re tired/ have their own crap etc. Also we all do the ‘ah I must call over’ thing and then are too busy/ conversely overly chilled to actually make the effort!

As for the money thing do people not get that the reason they have money is that they watch it and that’s most likely to fund their retirement? When you stop working I would assume you suddenly have no options to make any extra money and you have a finite don’t know how long you’re going to live!

Saying that the person above who said you should do a swap house for flat, that’s a great idea! And do let them know you’re struggling financially (but try not to let your other opinions come out!!)

By the way I also feel the need to say on them not helping with childcare more, I watch gps struggle with kids at the playground and at 43, arthritis, a bad back and chest I can’t even fathom in 20 years dealing with young children and think they deserve a medal!

Very strange set up. Written in a very martyr ish tone. Like you moved there solely for them and you’ve been let down. Why don’t you move if it doesn’t make financial sense.

Why don't you suggest a swap? You move to their house and take out a mortgage- enough to buy them a flat. Offer to pay a set amount back a month towards the big house. If the two amounts (mortgage and house repayment) are equal to or less than your rent, you're on a winner financially.
We did this with my parents. It worked well.

Edited for fat fingers

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it is Australia.
I currently rent from family members, and pay nowhere near market rate - I am still paying more than 75% of my fortnightly disability payment in rent.

Figures just out show there are 21 places (room/unit/house) across Australia that I could afford to rent.
Public Housing waiting lists are in the decades, many don’t even bother to apply as they will never get to the top of the list.

Please don't feel useless@AmITheGrabbyDIL

JUST ASK!

You will lose nothing! Personally I would ask for a loan rather than a gift!

I’m a bit surprised at the number of people assuming Australia. (Im in Australia)

I feel like you already know its a bit entitled, but at the same time, I do see where you're coming from - it definitely feels a bit tone deaf to see your family struggle while you're regularly holidaying and yet complaining about money.

At the end of the day though, it's their money and what they do with it is their prerogative.

I think proposing a low interest loan (with the added hope they don't charge any interest!) would be the reasonable ask.

Asking for a gift is well into the territory of CFery.