To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

I'm another going to assume you're living in Australia? Outer Brisbane? It is that hard here to get a rental, I feel so so sorry for locals dealing with the current rental crisis. I think you've been badly spoken to on this thread, of course it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask them but be prepared they may say no. Would they really see their grandchildren live in a tent? Would moving back to the UK be an option?

I think you just need tell them you re moving where you can afford. If they want you to stay, they will offer money. Seems unlikely though. Shame it didn't work out as the family bonding you hoped for.

I think you’re a grabby CF if I’m being completely honest, ask YOUR parents for the money if you’re struggling that much.

I don't think your grabby or entitled. People have been harsh.

Do your Pil know your financial/housing situation is precarious? Sometimes the older generation are blissfully unaware times are different now. If they already know you are struggling and show no interest in helping or any concern then yes, the gift might be a non starter.

But they could be completely unaware you are struggling. I'd just tell them it's difficult, explain about the rent and see what their response is...? You don't need to ask for anything, just tell the truth.

I would ask.
They are likely from a generation that one income could support the family so have no real understanding on childcare finances.
They saw you as a cheap/free alternative to hotel when you lived in a different country.
Your children need a roof over their heads. You seem to have put your children's needs (relationship with grandparents) first like any other parent and just need to continue to do.
You won't lose any relationship with them and that's on them.
It's just money and they can always say no. You could reframe it to say that your children are about to become homeless and you need their inheritance to put a roof over their heads.

(I think you are never going to get a penny from the PIL though so it's a waste of time, but there's no easy solution in this kind of systemic crisis.)

OP, you've had a hard time on here. Your in-laws sound pretty awful actually, mean and tight and lacking in any empathy or family feeling. To plead poverty no less then take business class flights tales some balls. People like that are unlikely to respond positively to your approaching them for a deposit unfortunately but you could ask them for a loan I guess (but probably at market rates 🙄). They sound just awful, your husband must be mortified..

I don't think it's America, there really isn't anywhere comparable here to the Australian rental crisis. It's bad, but Australia makes it look like paradise. And the crisis has worsened in the past few years so it wasn't necessarily foreseeable when they went. It's very easy to evict tenants and landlords are doing so and relisting properties at a massive markup.

Also Australia is not the UK, some of you are not thinking with "just move"! The population is incredibly concentrated into a relatively small part of the country. That means finding new jobs, new housing, new everything -- and it's not cheap.

They may very well have their finances for their later years planned out precisely so that they can stay in their own home but pay for care costs/ house modifications etc if needed, so unwise to assume that they have lots of cash jusr sloshing about in the bank. It may very well be earmarked already.

I would not ask for a lump sum but would present the idea suggested by a previous PP of swapping homes and paying them the uplift. Of course this means they are wholly reliant on you keeping your jobs and being able to pay what you owe which they might not be comfortable doing.

I'm puzzled though as to why you're staying there given life is so expensive and your PILs are not interested in their DGC. Time to move on?

Are you talking about my PIL? Could've written this myself. The frustrating thing about my PIL is that they never make the effort to see us and invest in a relationship with us. They too are minted and travel loads, but scrimp on gifts, heating, etc etc - maybe it's a generation thing. My PIL are new money so both of them didn't have a lot growing up...maybe that affects their relationship to money now? They'll say they don't have any but they are millionaires of you dissolved all their assets.

I wonder if there's a lot of hurt from the lack of love they've shown to you, as I know that's how I feel - I am grieved because they don't care. People talk about how their parents love their grandkids, isn't it amazing being a grandparent etc etc ... And we don't see that in our family. There's no gifts, no quality time, no helping out, no affirmations or encouragement... And it just leads to be us feeling unloved. By all means definitely ask, but expect that they'll say no and make a plan B.

Lots of love to you and I completely empathise with your situation relationally. All the best. ❤

Could you suggest that rather than sell their big house asset you buy the flat for them to live in, and you then live in their big house?

we cannot afford to stay in our current house.
that bit there
They can't afford it so they need ti move somewhere cheaper.
I live in one of the cheaper parts of the UK. I couldn't afford to live in London, so I don't. I live within my means.

I'd turn up one their doorstep for a visit, then turns into not leaving and staying 😂

You have nothing to lose seeing as you don't have a meaningful relationship with them.

Don't ask then , just move elsewhere ( yeah , I know "just move" it's not as easy as that )

But imagine if you ask and they make vague positive responses When we've sold up and bought the new place/after our next cruise/I'm waiting to have my hip done they could leave you dangling and might secretly enjoy the situation where they;re in power .

Plan to move and do it , don't involve them .
If they are desperate to see you , they can visit you

The trouble is that you've made a lot of assumptions about relying on others when you made your choices.
Think about how you can life more affordably without others supporting you.

You're getting a hard time here OP, but I don't understand why you are still living where you are. Can you not move back to where you were before or somewhere cheaper where you can have a better quality of life?

Meadowfinch clearly lives in an inexpensive part of the country. What she's described, though worthy, would be impossible where I live, unless on an absolutely vast salary. And I'm not even in the most expensive of areas.

It seems that you don't live in a cheap area either, so don't berate yourself.

Your dh knows the answers no so save your dignity and manage your life and finances yourself. If that means moving back to the country you lived in before so be it.

You can ask but so far their behaviour seems a tad self first so you won’t have high expectations from them. My parents downsized but keep their savings for their care in the future. I would consider your life choices. Moving there hasn’t worked out as you thought. Are you happy there or would you rather be somewhere less expensive where you can buy. Would living where you used to be a better option as pil aren’t involved much?

The OP has said her childcare costs are
astronomical but she thought her PIL would help out with childcare.

My mother is what you would term 'tight'. She would never impulse buy anything or buy a bottle of water if she's thirty she's been like that her whole life. She grew up very poor.

She's eighty now and she's very comfortable financially. She lives in a big house. Last week she bought a four thousand pound TV (on my Costco as it was £30 cheaper...) because the one she had had for two decades finally stopped working. The remote was held together with tape for at least five years. She's always gone on lots of holidays. Next week she's going to corfu with her friends.

Your parents in law clearly value travel and holidays. There's nothing wrong with that. There is no way they are going to give you money for a deposit!

@Avatartar - exactly this.

OP you need to move, either somewhere cheaper in your current country or move back.
This isn’t PIL’s problem.
Even if they saw your DCs you’d still be in this position.
You moved there for what you thought was a good reason but it didn’t turn out to be the right decision
you are responsible for your own financial wellbeing. It would be lovely to have people help us out but you cannot ask when your DH laughed at the idea. You’d become the grabby DIL in PIL’s eyes and ruin the relationship you do have.

You're adults with two children. Your life choices are your responsibility.
I know lots of people will disagree with me, but in life it's better to be self reliant.
I would assume though, somewhere down the line there will be a generous inheritance?

Queen of cheeky fuckers 😆