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Original poster

To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

380 replies

AmITheGrabbyDIL · 26/04/2024 01:27

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

OP posts:
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BlueMooonn · 28/04/2024 21:46

I'd lose any sympathy for them when they said they weren't interested in their own grandchildren. It's clear from that point on that they're just selfish bellends.

This is just a nonsense trope. It just doesn't follow not being interested in grandchildren means someone is selfish.

There is no law that says grandparents must be interested in grandchildren - not least because they have no say in how many there are OR who their own child has children with. They didn't choose to have them.

My BILs parents aren't interest in his grandchildren because his wife is a selfish narcissist who is vile to them - it's hard to be really interested in children when they are half a person you hate. (not saying this is the situation here - just pointing out that it doesn't follow that not being interested in grandchildren does not equal being selfish)

Very young babies aren't very interesting if they aren't your own. Little children that aren't your own (even if related) can be ultra annoying.

And for lots of grandparents today, there is a trend to view them as free child care so that actually maybe a reason to present as not-very-interested and a bit cool, when the children are younger to avoid being used and abused as a free childcare service when you are older, tired and want to spent life enjoying your retirement without hard labour unasked for!

horseyhorsey17 · 28/04/2024 15:04

weirdoboelady · 26/04/2024 17:00

This is gonna be a harsh post. It's just devil's advocate stuff, to help the OP see things from a different POV, and maybe address them if any of the points hit a sore spot.

Imagine another thread on MN

SELFISH KIDS FOLLOWED US HALFWAY ROUND THE WORLD TRYING TO EXTRACT OUR LIFETIME SAVINGS FROM US.

We are a couple in our late 60s with plenty of life left in us. We emigrated to Australia once our kids were established (or so we thought). For clarity, the kids have good jobs. We've never been particularly interested in the GC although we like to see them every so often. We love travelling and prioritise this above spending money on many other areas of our life.

To our horror, my DS and his wife have also emigrated to live near us, and seemed to expect us to do loads of childcare for them. Wouldn't you think they would have discussed this with us, or at least made provision for childcare, before taking such a big step as emigrating? But no, they seem to be the epitome of whinging poms, expecting free childcare from us. We have refused the majority of these requests.

We know there's a rental crisis going on in Oz (there's one in the UK as well, I believe!). It's been obvious that this has been coming for a while, but of course the kids didn't realise this, and their rent is now going up.

Alongside this, we are moving to a smaller property. A friend has now warned us that our kids are likely to come sniffing around for any 'spare' money that we have lying around. Do MNers honestly think that we should prioritise giving money to improvident kids over spending it enjoying the remainder of our lives?

We might be prepared to lend them some money if they were a bit more upfront with us and showed some financial responsibility. We could even imagine a scenario where we lent them money for a deposit (which I understand is their current problem) at a rate of interest which is what we might expect on our savings but would be less than they'd have to pay on a mortgage. But at the moment they don't even seem to have thought of drawing up a budget for anything as sensible as this.

No way are we handing over our lifetime savings or any part of it as a gift to kids who haven't demonstrated any financial sense! Are we BU?

I'd lose any sympathy for them when they said they weren't interested in their own grandchildren. It's clear from that point on that they're just selfish bellends.

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 16:27

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 16:21

@Eggplant44
@fieldsofbutterflies

In short, gifting money to children is normal in many families. Imo there is no hurt in OP asking.
If DHs family does not want to give it, they can just say so. She is asking capable adults.

I am not wasting more time on your ten replys on this. Go, keep your money for yourself lol.
Bye

Right, but it's clearly not normal in this family.

So again, what's normal in your family is completely bloody irrelevant, lol.

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 16:21

@Eggplant44
@fieldsofbutterflies

In short, gifting money to children is normal in many families. Imo there is no hurt in OP asking.
If DHs family does not want to give it, they can just say so. She is asking capable adults.

I am not wasting more time on your ten replys on this. Go, keep your money for yourself lol.
Bye

Eggplant44 · 27/04/2024 15:48

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 14:08

Irrelevan really?
OP is exactly in a situation where poor DH does not believe his own parents would help him out.
"I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter . He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit. "

Show quote history

Again, perhaps he knows more about their financial situation than the OP'S assumption of 'extra money' .

Eggplant44 · 27/04/2024 15:37

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 08:37

OP clearly wrote that DHs parents sold house and downsized and have some money left.
It is reasonable to ask person with extra money for money. I am not sure why you struggle to understand that.

Show quote history

Perhaps the money from the downsizing is not as 'extra' as you and the OP presume it is.

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 15:29

Itloggedmeoutagain · 27/04/2024 15:19

It clearly isn't normal in their family or her husband wouldn't have laughed

Show quote history

Exactly!

I have no idea why people are banging on about how normal it is in their families, lol, it's completely irrelevant.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 27/04/2024 15:19

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:19

Why do you make difference between helpinv with money and helping in another way?

Just because asking for help and gifting money is not normal in your family, it does not mean it is an universal rule. A lot of families see asking for money as asking for any other form of help.

Show quote history

It clearly isn't normal in their family or her husband wouldn't have laughed

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 15:17

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 14:08

Irrelevan really?
OP is exactly in a situation where poor DH does not believe his own parents would help him out.
"I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter . He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit. "

Show quote history

Of course it's irrelevant. Your hypothetical feelings of sadness towards your DS have nothing to do with the DH's relationship with his parents.

You have no idea why he doesn't feel comfortable asking - maybe they've already given him money before, or maybe he knows more about their finances than he's letting on. It could be anything - it's not necessarily that they're bad or selfish people.

Eggplant44 · 27/04/2024 15:00

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:19

Why do you make difference between helpinv with money and helping in another way?

Just because asking for help and gifting money is not normal in your family, it does not mean it is an universal rule. A lot of families see asking for money as asking for any other form of help.

Show quote history

Because gifting money might jeaprodise the in laws retirement.

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 14:08

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 12:08

She hasn't said anything about her parents, so we don't know either way.

At the end of the day, these aren't her parents so it's not her place to ask them for anything without her husband's agreement, so that's the end of the discussion, really.

Whether you'd be sad about your DS not asking you for help is also completely irrelevant to OP's situation.

Show quote history

Irrelevan really?
OP is exactly in a situation where poor DH does not believe his own parents would help him out.
"I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter . He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit. "

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 12:08

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:55

Because they have extra money.
Surelly OP would ask her parents if they had it.

And she never said she will override his wishes. Just that for DH even idea of asking parents for money is worth laughing at as he is so sure they will not give them any.
I would be beyond sad if my DS thought he cannot ask me for help!)

I am team OP, she is mother trying to secure her children a permanent home. Asking closest family should not be a taboo.

Show quote history

She hasn't said anything about her parents, so we don't know either way.

At the end of the day, these aren't her parents so it's not her place to ask them for anything without her husband's agreement, so that's the end of the discussion, really.

Whether you'd be sad about your DS not asking you for help is also completely irrelevant to OP's situation.

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:55

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 11:49

If it were her parents she was asking, that would be completely different.

But she's talking about her husbands' parents - and he doesn't want to ask them and has made it quite clear that they would say no. So that should be the end of the discussion IMO. It's not her place to override his wishes when it comes to his own family.

Edited
Show quote history

Because they have extra money.
Surelly OP would ask her parents if they had it.

And she never said she will override his wishes. Just that for DH even idea of asking parents for money is worth laughing at as he is so sure they will not give them any.
I would be beyond sad if my DS thought he cannot ask me for help!)

I am team OP, she is mother trying to secure her children a permanent home. Asking closest family should not be a taboo.

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 11:51

But I would never, ever ask my parents for money like that. I would feel massively entitled to go to them and basically say "I know you've got spare money now, so can I have it?" 😬

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 11:49

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:47

Many families have very open conversation about the money and don't see asking for it and gifting it as an issue.

I would not see problem in a qustion:
"We are being evicted and struggle to find a place, ideally we would like to have security and buy. If you have spare money from the house sale could you please help us with deposit?
It would be massive help to receive such gift and have permanent home for us and children"

Worst case they will say no.

Show quote history

If it were her parents she was asking, that would be completely different.

But she's talking about her husbands' parents - and he doesn't want to ask them and has made it quite clear that they would say no. So that should be the end of the discussion IMO. It's not her place to override his wishes when it comes to his own family.

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:47

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 11:32

Well, a house deposit isn't going to be a few hundred pounds, is it? Of course it's going to be thousands Confused

There's also a massive difference between telling someone that you're struggling and asking them to just hand over a large amount of money, especially when they're not even your own parents!

Edited
Show quote history

Many families have very open conversation about the money and don't see asking for it and gifting it as an issue.

I would not see problem in a qustion:
"We are being evicted and struggle to find a place, ideally we would like to have security and buy. If you have spare money from the house sale could you please help us with deposit?
It would be massive help to receive such gift and have permanent home for us and children"

Worst case they will say no.

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 11:32

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:26

OP never mentiones asking for thousans of pounds.
If they are on the verge of being made homeless, it is perfectly normal to share that with closest family and ask if they can help with deposit. It would obviously be on inlaws to decide what amount is ok for them to gift.
I would very much hope my DS shares such issues with me.

Show quote history

Well, a house deposit isn't going to be a few hundred pounds, is it? Of course it's going to be thousands Confused

There's also a massive difference between telling someone that you're struggling and asking them to just hand over a large amount of money, especially when they're not even your own parents!

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:26

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 10:27

Maybe in your world, but most people wouldn't have the brass balls to ask their in-laws to hand them over thousands of pounds!

Show quote history

OP never mentiones asking for thousans of pounds.
If they are on the verge of being made homeless, it is perfectly normal to share that with closest family and ask if they can help with deposit. It would obviously be on inlaws to decide what amount is ok for them to gift.
I would very much hope my DS shares such issues with me.

Winter2020 · 27/04/2024 11:22

I hope your PIL have downsized to be able to help you.

They might have downsized because they have run out of money though and if so that isn't going to make them feel very generous.

Compromise and ask for a loan of the smallest amount that will allow you to buy.

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 11:19

Itloggedmeoutagain · 27/04/2024 10:53

It isn't reasonable to ask anyone for money.
The money has not been offered and OP even said a gift. This is what I'm struggling with. Not a loan

Show quote history

Why do you make difference between helpinv with money and helping in another way?

Just because asking for help and gifting money is not normal in your family, it does not mean it is an universal rule. A lot of families see asking for money as asking for any other form of help.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 27/04/2024 10:53

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 08:37

OP clearly wrote that DHs parents sold house and downsized and have some money left.
It is reasonable to ask person with extra money for money. I am not sure why you struggle to understand that.

Show quote history

It isn't reasonable to ask anyone for money.
The money has not been offered and OP even said a gift. This is what I'm struggling with. Not a loan

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 10:27

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 08:37

OP clearly wrote that DHs parents sold house and downsized and have some money left.
It is reasonable to ask person with extra money for money. I am not sure why you struggle to understand that.

Show quote history

Maybe in your world, but most people wouldn't have the brass balls to ask their in-laws to hand them over thousands of pounds!

Mouse82 · 27/04/2024 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have a great relationship with my children, hate to burst your bubble. Hope you feel better soon.

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mouse82 · 27/04/2024 08:57

Eggplant44 · 27/04/2024 08:54

She doesn't want to jeaprodise her own parents retirement. Her in laws though, she's willing to chance it.

Show quote history

So in other words, she's a greedy and happy to use for her own gain. I'm laughing along with her husband at the thought.