Inheritance in a blended family

But why is it for the person who he has seen as a grandparent to make up for the shortcomings of their absent (now deceased) parent and other grandparents?

I agree with this…if my kids become a family with someone who has a child with someone else, they’ll be welcomed into the family, and treated as such with Christmas, birthdays etc, but inheritance is for blood only

Hardly the same thing as being treated differently to your siblings by someone who you have considered to be your grandma since the age of 2!

I agree that your DS is being unreasonable- how does he even know anything about your MIL’s finances? How did this even get discussed?

He needs to deal with his resentment and forget about it.

I feel quite sympathetic to the MIL - when she came into little boy's life, he had a father, so it really wasn't a case of her son being the adopted dad either. She considers older son to be family but not as close, which is not totally unreasonable.

She is clearly prepared to help him financially with a flat deposit - maybe it is worth clarifying what that help might look like so that he knows what he is working towards, which could then form the basis of a "reality check" conversation with DS25 where he could be encouraged to be more grateful and less resentful of an inheritance that his siblings have not even got yet.

The "blood" thing often goes both ways - if you'd split with current husband, she might not have much of a relationship with DS25 despite her wishes. Does he honestly have a proper uncomplicated grandparent relationship with her now, even money aside?

No, he’s an in-law. A member of her family that she has been, and is going to be, generous to. She doesn’t consider him to be a grandchild because he isn’t a grandchild, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t consider him to be family.

That some families choose not to differentiate between blood and step relations doesn’t mean those that do are doing anything wrong. There’s no one-size-fits-all here, any more than there is anywhere else.

@iwanttoholdyourhand

Apologies, I was reading your posts as though your son had not seen his father for a very long time as it sounded like he'd just walked away.

I am in a blended family. My sister is from my mum's first marriage and my dad's family welcomed her with open arms and treated her the same as us. No cash to complicate things though.
My mum's sister however has pretty much ignores me and my sister from my mum's second marriage. They were team exHub when my mum and her abusive first husband first divorced. It can be complicated even when two sets of children are the same relationship!

I would be supporting all of your children with respect to the potential inheritance. Your son can be bitter and resentful or he can work hard and succeed in life (not limited to income) without the initial leg up. Your other children will need support to counter the rhetoric they haven't had to work for anything hand things handed to them etc etc. neither situation is going to be easy both situations require strong personalities to come out on top. I have seen people in both situations having to pull themselves up and those in a privileged position due to family money. There's social and psychological gymnastics to be done in both situations.

There easily could be a significant dent if any residential care is needed. Last year my partners grandparents were paying £130k a year in care costs as both were requiring nursing homes. One has since past bring the bill down to £80k a year. Even though they are very well off the potential inheritance is going down quickly!

This piece of information, OP, is the most poignant.
Your MIL was Nanny, your son saw her as his grandmother, from the age of two years old.
But to her, he's a non-relation. Blood is thicker than water, indeed.

I'm not sure why people are having a go at you or your DH on this thread. The interitance is bypassing him completely and going straight to the children. It feels intentional on your MILs part though (almost like she doesn't want your older son getting any of her money) but I know quite a few people who are 'blood is blood' and feel the same. You can't change that unfortunately. I would encourage your other 2 children to share with their brother.

An inheritance skipping a generation is a useful trick for avoiding two lots of IHT especially if there are large sums involved.

If the OP & DH are comfortably off & have no need of the money then it makes sense for the GM's estate to pass onto the next generation & only one lot of IHT will be paid!

Nothing to do to with the money but...

Your DS was in DH's life since he was 2. His father then married & had more children
Did it not occur for your DH to adopt your DS?
They've been in each other's lives for a very long time ie 16 years before your DS became an adult.

As for the different childhoods - this often happens in non-blended families when there is a large age gap between children. Circumstances change.

And @iwanttoholdyourhand

I'm not saying by any means this makes your son a bad person. It is good to have ambition and drive. And being surrounded by people who are very money orientated (which is most people in the city - most, myself included, were at least partly motivated to go into it for the earning potential, doesn't make them awful people) can skew your view of money. It's very common to think money makes you happy - it's definitely the case that an absence of money does make people unhappy, but it can be given too much weighting!

@iwanttoholdyourhand

Thought so! The City still has a fair number of people of his age who come from a very wealthy background and can splash the cash on glamorous things because what they earn is disposable income.

Is his gf from a wealthier background too?

Your son does need to understand that keeping up with the Jones is not real life and it is a bit distasteful to hope he gets money on his MIL's death so that he can. He has a brilliant job in a city full of opportunity, which makes him really fortunate.

OP I really do feel for you all in this situation. We are a blended family in that DH has an adult child so my DSC and we have 2 teens together so a large age gap. His DS has had a different upbringing to our DC purely down to the situation. We have also been talking a lot about wills and inheritance recently because we know the resentment it can cause. Not that either DH or myself is particularly wealthy or likely to inherit large sums!!

I can understand that your DS25 feels left out. His DF was rubbish and left him nothing. He’s obviously been part of your DH’s family since he was a toddler. MIL can leave money to whoever she likes and unfortunately as unfair as it may feel she is favouring her biological GC - however it sounds as though DS25 is doing well in his career and your MIL has offered up help with a house deposit and will leave him a sun in her will.

in these situations it’s a case of you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Blended families aren’t easy to navigate and there are always inequalities in life. Inhertitance always seems to be the one that causes such a divide in many families (even non blended ones)

@iwanttoholdyourhand

One thing I wanted to ask is whether your son maybe works in the City, or somewhere that has quite a few people of a wealthy background? Obviously, there are lots of people who work in the city from all backgrounds, but those from wealthier backgrounds are often overrepresented in certain professions.

If so, he might be feeling a bit under-wealthy in his own circles, which then might be increasing his resentment of his siblings.

Honestly, if the money is trickled in sensibly to his siblings, they really shouldn't be super wealthy until after university. Yes, they will be able to choose certain careers more easily and without too much concern for money BUT it actually doesn't sound as if they will inherit so much they will just be able to live a totally blow out lifestyle and never work again on what they will inherit. What they will inherit will be a substantial cushion of course, but they will still have to do something with it.

He’s young and hopefully in time will realise that he’s being really childish. ThiS is life! Some of my best friends will inherit >10 million which is a fortune to have to earn yourself and I’m hardly sitting here ranting and raving about it. He’s just going to have to accept it and move on

You seem to know far too much about MIL's financial affairs OP