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Original poster

Inheritance in a blended family

307 replies

iwanttoholdyourhand · 25/04/2024 20:40

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

OP posts:
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Original poster
iwanttoholdyourhand · 30/04/2024 19:43

Wherearemymarbles · 29/04/2024 22:34

I wasnt suggesting you were after her money. But if she left it to DH you would not have this problem.
The reality is you love all your biological children the same and want them all to be happy. MIL isn’t burdened with the same bond.
I suspect DS understands this but is just a bit envious, as would I and probably most other people be.

Edited

Yes this is true. I just want all my kids to get along and be happy for each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanttoholdyourhand · 30/04/2024 19:41

Wherearemymarbles · 29/04/2024 22:34

I wasnt suggesting you were after her money. But if she left it to DH you would not have this problem.
The reality is you love all your biological children the same and want them all to be happy. MIL isn’t burdened with the same bond.
I suspect DS understands this but is just a bit envious, as would I and probably most other people be.

Edited

Some very good points have been raised which I need to think about. I know there is a lot of anti MIL posts but she is a good person and I understand and respect her position to leave her money to whoever she pleases.

OP posts:
Allnormalhere · 30/04/2024 18:54

iwanttoholdyourhand · 29/04/2024 22:19

I actually did not know how wealthy MIL was when I met DH. Call me naive but It's not something we ever really spoke about. Yes she had a big house and nice things. Over the years I did realise DH family were in a different league to my own when they would spend large amounts of money of watches, sports cars etc. My family are all very WC in comparison.

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This reminds me of when Heather Mills claimed she didn't know that Paul McCartney had been a Beatle when she met him! 😂

Wherearemymarbles · 29/04/2024 22:34

I wasnt suggesting you were after her money. But if she left it to DH you would not have this problem.
The reality is you love all your biological children the same and want them all to be happy. MIL isn’t burdened with the same bond.
I suspect DS understands this but is just a bit envious, as would I and probably most other people be.

Original poster
iwanttoholdyourhand · 29/04/2024 22:24

Wherearemymarbles · 29/04/2024 21:09

The OP chose to blend families.
MIL did not. I see nothing wrong with her position.
logically op you knew mil had wealth when you met dh so i guess you were naively hoping she’d give her money to someone who is not related to her or perhaps dh so you could split as you please?

And no I don't want MIL money far from it. I've worked all my life and made my own way. I've done my degree, masters and have a good well respected professional job. I have always earned my own money.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanttoholdyourhand · 29/04/2024 22:19

Wherearemymarbles · 29/04/2024 21:09

The OP chose to blend families.
MIL did not. I see nothing wrong with her position.
logically op you knew mil had wealth when you met dh so i guess you were naively hoping she’d give her money to someone who is not related to her or perhaps dh so you could split as you please?

I actually did not know how wealthy MIL was when I met DH. Call me naive but It's not something we ever really spoke about. Yes she had a big house and nice things. Over the years I did realise DH family were in a different league to my own when they would spend large amounts of money of watches, sports cars etc. My family are all very WC in comparison.

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 29/04/2024 21:59

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 21:41

Of course. But you're wrong.

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If believing that brings you comfort then go for it I guess. Reality will continue as it is.

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 21:48

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 21:41

Of course. But you're wrong.

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In YOUR opinion 😉

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 21:41

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 19:05

Your and my opinions are poles apart on this, I’m entitled to my opinion, you’re entitled to yours

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Of course. But you're wrong.

Wherearemymarbles · 29/04/2024 21:09

The OP chose to blend families.
MIL did not. I see nothing wrong with her position.
logically op you knew mil had wealth when you met dh so i guess you were naively hoping she’d give her money to someone who is not related to her or perhaps dh so you could split as you please?

lemonstolemonade · 29/04/2024 20:33

@Allnormalhere

I don't think it is about legality really.

OP's MIL has been in child's life since 2. But at that point, child was gf's son - I'm positive she was kind to so but wasn't "granny" at that point, as OP sounds very sensible and no sane person would encourage a 2 year old to call their bf's mum granny, until they had a very very firm commitment.

Son had a relationship with his actual father, until father died.

OP and stepdad later got married and had two younger children, when son was in his teens and well able to comprehend the nature of the relationship.

I think that, if DS is really confused and distraught about not being considered exactly the same as a grandchild, OP and husband could have laid the ground a bit better on this. I mean, is it really a huge surprise? Surely there were some signs?

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 19:05

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 18:48

Ahhh so it's about legality - I see. So if the rich second husband had adopted the older son, then the grandmother should be splitting her money 3 ways? I'm sure your adopted grandchildren would be delighted to know you only considered them family because of a piece of paper. How very black and white.

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Your and my opinions are poles apart on this, I’m entitled to my opinion, you’re entitled to yours

exomoon · 29/04/2024 19:00

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 18:50

How often do most 25 year olds see their grandparents? It isn't unusual to see less of them as you get older and busier.

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The point is he’s not spending all that much time with her so the suggestion to punish her by spending less time with her doesn’t mean much.

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 18:50

exomoon · 29/04/2024 17:06

Doesn't sound like he gives her 'his time'. OP says the relationship is just 'ok' and that 'she doesn't see him as much nowadays as he is older busy working, social life etc.'

It's understandable he's disappointed but he really can't expect an inheritance from her. From his parents yes, not her.

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How often do most 25 year olds see their grandparents? It isn't unusual to see less of them as you get older and busier.

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 18:48

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 17:09

No, because adoption is a legal process which gives an adopted child the same rights as a biological child. Legally there is no link in this case…the son was not adopted because HE HAD A FATHER WITH WHOM HE HAD A RELATIONSHIP.

If the son’s father’s and grandparents’ circumstances had been different, I wonder if OP would be shouting that he had to share with his half siblings?

You can’t have it all ways

Edited
Show quote history

Ahhh so it's about legality - I see. So if the rich second husband had adopted the older son, then the grandmother should be splitting her money 3 ways? I'm sure your adopted grandchildren would be delighted to know you only considered them family because of a piece of paper. How very black and white.

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 17:09

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 16:52

Will you feel the same way if one of your children can't have children and they end up adopting? Will you leave everything to your other child's biological children? I wonder how that would go down...

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No, because adoption is a legal process which gives an adopted child the same rights as a biological child. Legally there is no link in this case…the son was not adopted because HE HAD A FATHER WITH WHOM HE HAD A RELATIONSHIP.

If the son’s father’s and grandparents’ circumstances had been different, I wonder if OP would be shouting that he had to share with his half siblings?

You can’t have it all ways

exomoon · 29/04/2024 17:08

InterIgnis · 29/04/2024 17:03

Then I also hope he’s happy to lose the house deposit she was going to give him, as well as what she did intend to leave him 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is aware she’s not his grandmother. That he’s seen her as one speaks to her kindness towards him tbh. The bottom line is that he isn’t her grandchild, and that he saw her as one doesn’t mean she is obliged to go along with it.

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Yes, he is getting a house deposit, a whole other BTL property and inheritance from his mum. He needs to count his blessings.

Kisskiss · 29/04/2024 17:08

exomoon · 29/04/2024 17:06

Doesn't sound like he gives her 'his time'. OP says the relationship is just 'ok' and that 'she doesn't see him as much nowadays as he is older busy working, social life etc.'

It's understandable he's disappointed but he really can't expect an inheritance from her. From his parents yes, not her.

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Exactly this. Also, the woman isn’t dead yet and he’s already asking where her money is going 😂. Not . Very. Nice.

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 17:07

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 17:00

But HE has seen her as a Grandma since he was 2! I hope he realises where he stands after this and gives her no more of his time. If she needs help as she gets older and frailer, well she has her "real" grandchildren for that, hasn't she.

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Which makes it, to coin a phrase, a “him” issue. Legally and biologically, he is not related to her

exomoon · 29/04/2024 17:06

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 17:00

But HE has seen her as a Grandma since he was 2! I hope he realises where he stands after this and gives her no more of his time. If she needs help as she gets older and frailer, well she has her "real" grandchildren for that, hasn't she.

Show quote history

Doesn't sound like he gives her 'his time'. OP says the relationship is just 'ok' and that 'she doesn't see him as much nowadays as he is older busy working, social life etc.'

It's understandable he's disappointed but he really can't expect an inheritance from her. From his parents yes, not her.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2024 17:03

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 17:00

But HE has seen her as a Grandma since he was 2! I hope he realises where he stands after this and gives her no more of his time. If she needs help as she gets older and frailer, well she has her "real" grandchildren for that, hasn't she.

Show quote history

Then I also hope he’s happy to lose the house deposit she was going to give him, as well as what she did intend to leave him 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is aware she’s not his grandmother. That he’s seen her as one speaks to her kindness towards him tbh. The bottom line is that he isn’t her grandchild, and that he saw her as one doesn’t mean she is obliged to go along with it.

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 17:00

InterIgnis · 29/04/2024 16:57

She’s accepted him as family, but not as a grandchild. Same as she’s accepted OP as family but not as a daughter.

He isn’t her grandchild. She has however treated him kindly as with generosity.

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But HE has seen her as a Grandma since he was 2! I hope he realises where he stands after this and gives her no more of his time. If she needs help as she gets older and frailer, well she has her "real" grandchildren for that, hasn't she.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2024 16:57

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 16:53

It's not about that - she either accepts him as family or she doesn't! He has always known her as grandma and now she is basically saying he is "less" than her other grandchildren. Horrible woman.

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She’s accepted him as family, but not as a grandchild. Same as she’s accepted OP as family but not as a daughter.

He isn’t her grandchild. She has however treated him kindly as with generosity.

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 16:53

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 16:51

But why is it for the person who he has seen as a grandparent to make up for the shortcomings of their absent (now deceased) parent and other grandparents?

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It's not about that - she either accepts him as family or she doesn't! He has always known her as grandma and now she is basically saying he is "less" than her other grandchildren. Horrible woman.

Allnormalhere · 29/04/2024 16:52

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 16:49

I agree with this…if my kids become a family with someone who has a child with someone else, they’ll be welcomed into the family, and treated as such with Christmas, birthdays etc, but inheritance is for blood only

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Will you feel the same way if one of your children can't have children and they end up adopting? Will you leave everything to your other child's biological children? I wonder how that would go down...

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