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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate Broken Homes

133 replies

MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 15:21

Why does everyone think that a "Broken Home" is worse than staying in an abusive/loveless partnership?

I find it so gross 😬

Why on earth anyone would think blindly staying together for children is more beneficial than their children experiencing healthy relationships or healthy singledom is absolutely beyond me!

Ignoring the financial aspect - why would anyone bother!?!?!

*YABU - Broken homes are the worst
*YANBU - Healthy homes are best

OP posts:
Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:51

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Catsmere · 26/04/2024 07:46

kitsuneghost · 25/04/2024 15:29

I think there is a balance
If you are divorcing because he is abusive the YANBU
If you are divorcing because he went to a strip bar / you don't fancy him/ he doesn't give enough sex or presents then YABU

I think broken homes are very detrimental to children (even if they are good at masking) so for me there needs to be a really good reason for creating one. Some I see on mumsnet are very flippant indeed.

Codswallop. My father leaving for his OW was the most worthwhile thing he'd done for years. It wasn't detrimental to me (I was nine) and there's no masking involved.

Sounds like you expect women to endure loveless, miserable marriages.

And as a PP said, going to a strip bar is using women as sex objects. It's abuse, and more than enough reason to dump him.

Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:42

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Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:41

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Original poster
MintTraybake · 26/04/2024 07:32

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I’ve had it said to me, implied, And have read it here, including on this thread.
also what people say to one’s face isn’t necessarily what they say behind closed doors. it’s an out dates term that hopefully does out soon!

OP posts:
Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:23

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Original poster
MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 22:47

Jk8 · 25/04/2024 20:54

@MintTraybake your poll is for the same question

"YABU - Broken homes are the worst
YANBU - Healthy homes are best"

.... its the same question in reverse like "do you want ice cream /there's ice cream if you want some"

😂 I'm not laughing at you but your not going to get honest responses as most people bounce of others circumstance so "I left an abusive relationship" would have a poll like "yabu - a broken home is the worst' or 'yanbu - a broken home is not the worst"

by “Broken home are the worst”- it’s supposed to be from the perspective of someone who says “broken homes” are single parents.
aka - don’t break your home: stay regardless of the circumstance.

Healthy homes are the best - supposed to be from the perspective that a split fsmily/single parent home isn’t the worst, and people don’t have to stay for the children’s sake if they are abused/sad/miserable.

I really didn’t think the way I wrote it was hard to comprehend but I’m clearly mistaken.
I’ll have to do better next time 🤣

OP posts:
Jk8 · 25/04/2024 20:54

@MintTraybake your poll is for the same question

"YABU - Broken homes are the worst
YANBU - Healthy homes are best"

.... its the same question in reverse like "do you want ice cream /there's ice cream if you want some"

😂 I'm not laughing at you but your not going to get honest responses as most people bounce of others circumstance so "I left an abusive relationship" would have a poll like "yabu - a broken home is the worst' or 'yanbu - a broken home is not the worst"

Original poster
MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 20:51

StormingNorman · 25/04/2024 20:49

I grew up in a broken home and find the term so offensive I’m making a list:

  • my home was broken (dysfunctional) when my parents were married. It was just a different kind of dysfunctional afterwards.
  • the stigma of a broken home makes it more difficult for women (and men) to leave toxic, controlling and abusive relationships
  • The burden of blame for ‘breaking’ a home seems to rest more heavily on the woman.
  • It perpetuates the myth that bad behaviour in a marriage should be tolerated.
  • Children can feel ashamed of ‘being from a broken home’.
  • it places ‘unbroken’ homes on a moral pedestal and the emotional cost of keeping a family under one roof can be very high and more detrimental than a split.
  • the negative phraseology obscures and devalues the love, happiness, comfort, safety and fun to be had in a single parent household.
  • it assumes that the family unit within a broken home is not complete in its own right.
  • Till death do us part is a commitment of love, not a life sentence. When the love has died or the relationship has died, it’s time to part.

Right, that’s all for now.

Very valid points. Can resonate with a
good few of those 👏
all just trying to cause as little damage as possible

OP posts:
Original poster
MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 20:50

Howisitnotobvious · 25/04/2024 20:36

I think it's more nuanced of course. A brief review of the literature suggests a lot of potential negative outcomes for children of divorce so it's about how to not break our kids, which may mean leaving sometimes.

Ofcourse more nuanced; but it’s impossible to target every eventuality in a small post like the original.

i do tend to agree - I also see quite a lot
of relationships end in the very early years of childhood. Then the non-resident
parent usually gets to go off and
do what they want for up
to 26 nights a month and hardly “sharing the difficulties” of child rearing.

Life is just more difficult when you’re under more pressure; and I just don’t feel extra pressure isn’t needed from judgey people saying to stay together just because.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 25/04/2024 20:49

I grew up in a broken home and find the term so offensive I’m making a list:

  • my home was broken (dysfunctional) when my parents were married. It was just a different kind of dysfunctional afterwards.
  • the stigma of a broken home makes it more difficult for women (and men) to leave toxic, controlling and abusive relationships
  • The burden of blame for ‘breaking’ a home seems to rest more heavily on the woman.
  • It perpetuates the myth that bad behaviour in a marriage should be tolerated.
  • Children can feel ashamed of ‘being from a broken home’.
  • it places ‘unbroken’ homes on a moral pedestal and the emotional cost of keeping a family under one roof can be very high and more detrimental than a split.
  • the negative phraseology obscures and devalues the love, happiness, comfort, safety and fun to be had in a single parent household.
  • it assumes that the family unit within a broken home is not complete in its own right.
  • Till death do us part is a commitment of love, not a life sentence. When the love has died or the relationship has died, it’s time to part.

Right, that’s all for now.

Seagrassbasket · 25/04/2024 20:41

I don’t think a broken home refers to divorced parents in and of itself. I appreciate in the past that’s what it referred to but I think most people understand there’s more nuance now.

As others have said sometimes splitting up can create a more stable environment for children depending on the circumstances.

A chaotic home(s) with a merry go round of new step parents and biological parents who are more interested in new partners than their children is a broken home.

There is evidence that two parent outcomes create better outcomes for children, and I think we do society a disservice to pretend that’s not the case, but again, it does depend on the circumstances.

rebbles1 · 25/04/2024 20:40

YABVU for using the term "broken home"

Howisitnotobvious · 25/04/2024 20:36

I think it's more nuanced of course. A brief review of the literature suggests a lot of potential negative outcomes for children of divorce so it's about how to not break our kids, which may mean leaving sometimes.

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 25/04/2024 20:36

I think there is a middle ground. No one should stay in an abusive relationship ever and that would be horrific for the children too.

However, I do think it's become too common to have children with people willy nilly and multiple children by multiple partners. I do think too many people have children then scuttle off out of the relationship and play pass the child every week.

SarahAndQuack · 25/04/2024 20:32

Neurodiversitydoctor · 25/04/2024 20:30

Really ? I have been with DH 26 years there is no way I would throw that away because he went to strip club.How odd..

Show quote history

Everyone has different standards. If it were me, I'd consider my partner had 'thrown it all away' by going to a strip club. I wouldn't be blaming myself in the least for having upheld basic standards. Indeed, I'd consider myself a poor parent for exposing my children to that sort of person.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 25/04/2024 20:30

Oneofthesurvivors · 25/04/2024 15:31

I would bloody divorce him if he went to a strip bar. I don't want my daughter thinking that's an acceptable way for men to treat women.

Show quote history

Really ? I have been with DH 26 years there is no way I would throw that away because he went to strip club.How odd..

vodkaredbullgirl · 25/04/2024 20:29

Been divorced for 16 yrs, didn't see our home as too broken. Times were hard when my 2 were younger, now we are just fine as we are.

Original poster
MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 20:27

Houseinawood · 25/04/2024 19:25

Oh ffs a healthy home can have none - 100 parents in

a broken home can have two parents who are millionaires in and housekeepers and staff

grow up

Is this to me the OP or?
cos if it is; I don’t think you’ve read my post/comments the right way.
that’s exactly what I’m saying….

OP posts:
Original poster
MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 20:26

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/04/2024 19:32

My former relationship was broken, but my home isn't, my home is a happy, safe place bursting with love ❤️

👏👏👏 power to you.
Very happy for you that you have a happy home as a family :) well done!

OP posts:
Original poster
MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 20:25

CrispieCake · 25/04/2024 19:19

The reality is that there are no perfect outcomes in many situations. Only the least worst. Family breakdown does adversely affect children but it's often not clear that unhappily staying together would have been any better.

And some may disagree but I don't necessarily think that women should always be expected to do what is best for the children in every single situation. Mostly, yes, but there are some lines to do with personal autonomy that should not be crossed. For example, the kids might prefer it if their mum and dad stayed together, but if that means their mum will be expected to have frequent unwanted sex or (less serious but still bad) turn a blind eye to her partner cheating on her, then I'm afraid the mum's wellbeing comes first in those situations imo.

Thanks for your perspective- you’ve definitely articulated that well!

There is an obligation as a parent to put our children first - understandably - but being miserable for your whole life is not what is meant by that.
👏

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 25/04/2024 20:01

I think it’s that broken homes is an outdated and inaccurate term. Broken relationships would be better. If there was a short term for parents continuing toxic relationships to the detriment of their children, that would be better still

SarahAndQuack · 25/04/2024 19:33

GreatGateauxsby · 25/04/2024 15:23

its not 1957 and no one thinks this…

HTH

What a stupid and unpleasant response.

People do think this. I come from a family where my parents imagine divorce is a huge stigma; being a single mum is shameful.

This callous 'ooh, no one thinks this' is so unhelpful.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/04/2024 19:32

My former relationship was broken, but my home isn't, my home is a happy, safe place bursting with love ❤️

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/04/2024 19:32

HappierTimesAhead · 25/04/2024 15:28

I don't think women do blindly stay, they find it incredibly hard to get out of abusive relationships for a myriad of reasons.

This