Friend constantly cancelling plans

ZOMBIE!

I used to have a friend like this, and they did have anxiety, BUT there were other friends they did see, and other social events they attended- it was me they always cancelled on. I stopped asking them to anything, and I haven't heard from them since the last time they cancelled on me (I suggested that they let me know when they wanted to reschedule).

Another friend of mine has MH problems and can't always manage meet ups, but they do reschedule, or we find workable alternatives based on their capacity.

You have responsibilities. She doesn’t. Don’t make life harder for yourself. You know what you have to do. My thoughts? She’s using you.

I think if you are a flaky person who often cancels then to ensure you have some friends it's best to just meet up in groups and to tell people you may come as sometimes you get anxious. If it's just 1 person you're meeting and they may be cancelling other stuff then sometimes you have to put other people first and grit your teeth and do it or be very apologetic about how anxious you are and never arrange anything you may drop out of without warning them this may happen again.

Agree with previous posters. I recently cut someone off after repeated cancellations / flaking out. It was bad for my self-esteem to feel dependent socially on someone so unreliable.

Thanks for your input.

So stop inviting friends

Why do you think you can keep doing this?

I would be mortified after the first time.

Sounds like she thinks inviting you for coffee catch-ups will sweeten you into doing favours for her.

She's too thick to realise empty promises put people off.

Block and delete her, it's enormously freeing.

Stte just to let you know that I do this and it's because of anxiety. I always WANT to go but then often just can't do it. It's absolutely no reflection on my friends.

Dont commit again. Op I gave up on flakes they either cancelled on me or non comittal days replying etc to messages. These people not reliable

Yep get rid. I had one like this excuse after excuse and always lies so ditched been the best thing and not missed her once

It sounds from your message that you want to walk away from the friendship? I think it’s always ok to do this. Not all friendships are supposed to last forever and that’s ok. We can be grateful for what we had when they were good.

If you don’t want to walk away then I’d say it’s time for a chat to talk about how you feel and set some boundaries. If she’s a good friend she’ll hear you out x

I’ve got a friend who is terrible for cancelling plans. However, it’s not that she’s a shit friend, it’s that there’s stuff going on beneath the surface (health, elder care, etc.). To the world she’s a stepford wife, but to those who really know her, we know a lot of it is an act. So I cut her some slack, but don’t revolve my life around her. She cancelled on me twice this week and changed plans once. I just assume it’s not going ahead until it does tbh. It’s a bit weird, I grant you, but our time together when we manage it is glorious, and she’s always fully engaged. But also she’d never ask me for money / lifts etc. so a slightly different dynamic.

Good grief OP- this person is a complete fuckwit.

Why are you worrying about this? drop her like a shrivelled dog turd and spend time with people who value you and care about you. I wouldn't even waste another 5 minutes on this user of a person

The get rid immediately. Ghost her. Are you that desperate for friends?

I had a friend like this and she caught me on a bad day, pestering to meet up.
We agreed a time & place then as I was typing it into my calendar a list of all the previous meet ups came up and all the recent ones had - cancelled next to them.

And I found myself saying "so what shall I put down as your reason for cancelling this time? Headache, hangover, you're just not feeling it, you forgot?"
She blustered & said I don't cancel so I scrolled back and listed the last half dozen or so times we'd agreed to meet, all of which she'd cancelled.
Then I just said " I don't think there any point in going through this game any more. Look after yourself & have a good life. Goodbye" and put the phone down.

She immediately sent a mass of texts which I deleted & blocked her number.
I will not put up with self centred people any longer - my life is as valuable as there's & deserves to be respected.

I also gave up on the friend who was always late. And by late I mean amininmum of half an hour, usually more.

Op I volunteer somewhere where a lot of people don’t show up for scheduled appointments.

<wonders what the hospital appointments were for>

Op this doesn’t make this person your responsibility in any way shape or form, and you are totally within your rights to drop her as a friend, but if I had to guess, I would say this person is struggling with some form of hidden disability or disorder such as a mental health condition like anxiety or depression, possibly linked to some form of undiagnosed nd such as adhd; she may not even be aware of it herself? Or she is suffering from addiction issues linked to suppressing anxiety or a personality disorder or something along those lines?

Imho, no one cancels like this at the last minute repeatedly because they just can’t be bothered and if they were capable of being very busy doing other things they wouldn’t need to ask for lifts or money.

Extreme poverty can also make people really unreliable.

They are probably deeply ashamed, in denial, or too proud to admit they have a problem.

They sound like their circumstances are getting worse if they are desperate enough to ask for money.

So your friendship consists of giving her lifts and money? Really?? Come on your not that nieve? The answer is sorry I don't have any spare cash and sorry I'm busy - be strong your being used.

I could have written this myself! I have a friend who is exactly the same, I work everyday and she has no job but manages to find time to go shopping every day but a quick coffee (that she pesters me for!) and she'll cancel an hour or so before she's meant to arrive!

Sounds like someone who like me is suffering from depression! Maybe just be kind and ask if there's anything she wants to talk about?

Is this a recent change? Because your friends sounds a lot like me; luckily my friends always tell me it's okay if I want to cancel on the day. If it hadn't been for my friends noticing a difference in me and being understanding I can honestly say I don't believe I would be here today!
I have anxiety and depression; I want to go out so I make plans to go for coffee etc but it comes to it I can't always leave the house.
If it's a recent change please check in on your friend, invite her to your house/go to hers, etc.
Not everyone who cancels plans is flakey

Just let the friendship fizzle out - sounds like it's come to the end of a chapter.

"Cutting off" always sounds a bit dramatic, I'd be more inclined to be honest that you don't want to make plans with just her because of the number of times she's cancelled. Obviously this may have the same effect!

My policy with Flakies is three flakes and they’re out.

I was used in this way ,it was a relief to leave it behind ,a burden lifted