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Why do some people let their children behave so badly?

165 replies

Hikingqueen · 24/04/2024 17:02

Examples I have seen or see on a regular basis.

Children pushing in queues and the parents standing by doing nothing. Such as queuing for the slide at the swimming pool and people allowing their children to barge to the front of the queue.

Parents have been asked by school repeatedly not to let their children scoot or ride bikes in the school playground. Yet every day there are children zooming around nearly crashing into people.

Parents letting their kids run in the road and meekly saying "watch the road" when the kids have already run into the road.

Recently at a sports club my child attends, some young who should have been supervised children badly and deliberately vandalised property.

Letting children run around in car parks even though this is dangerous with cars moving around.

A child at my dcs school has been really badly behaved two days in a row where they've been called to speak to the teacher. Think hitting, swearing at the teacher, walking out of class, swearing at other children, throwing in class. Saw the mum treating the child to an ice cream after school 🤷‍♀️

Letting children run riot in supermarkets running up and down the aisles with trolleys bumping into people.

I've had to step in on more than one occasion over the years where a child has pushed in front my child or seen a child doing something very dangerous and have had a mouthful of abuse to thank for it.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 24/04/2024 18:15

notthatperson · 24/04/2024 17:05

A child at my dcs school has been really badly behaved two days in a row where they've been called to speak to the teacher. Think hitting, swearing at the teacher, walking out of class, swearing at other children, throwing in class. Saw the mum treating the child to an ice cream after school 🤷‍♀️

You have NO IDEA what's going on in their life

That's very true, but when other children are being assaulted a line has to be drawn.

Goldenbear · 24/04/2024 18:13

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 24/04/2024 18:09

@Goldenbear of course not everyone was it's a generalisation on 80's parenting. Obviously you were a child who had positive role models and responded well to reasoning and this has passed on.

Not every parent has had your experience.

Yes but you described how there is not really an alternative style now, I am describing an alternative style that is valid and works but is doesn’t involve being your child’s adversary which I think being strict all the time can veer into.

notthatperson · 24/04/2024 18:13

"You know what kid yeah you've screwed up today I still love you let's have an icecream and chat about it" is different to "oh you punched a kid today no ice cream for you"

Hikingqueen · 24/04/2024 18:11

funinthesun19 · 24/04/2024 17:32

When my DD has a meltdown in public, I have to try and zone out from what other people are thinking. She’s not misbehaving when something triggers her to cry/shout and throw herself to the ground. But some people just see a naughty girl and a mum who should be instantly shutting her up and if I can’t, I’m a shit parent. You can’t always stop a meltdown just like that - sometimes it takes a long time for her to come down from it.

I know your post isn’t about children with SEN, but I know children like my DD get tarred with the same brush. If she has a meltdown in a confined space like a bus for example, you can bet all your money people are judging away!

It's nothing to do with children having tantrums or meltdowns.

I think most of us would sympathise with the person whose child is screaming in the supermarket.

It's nothing to do with any of that it's blatant can't be arsed parenting.

OP posts:
notthatperson · 24/04/2024 18:09

Hikingqueen · 24/04/2024 17:09

I knew someone would say this. You don't know what I do or don't know or what my relationship is to the child.

What about all the other examples

I didn't address the other other examples they weren't the ones that pissed me off

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 24/04/2024 18:09

@Goldenbear of course not everyone was it's a generalisation on 80's parenting. Obviously you were a child who had positive role models and responded well to reasoning and this has passed on.

Not every parent has had your experience.

peebles32 · 24/04/2024 18:09

Perfect28 · 24/04/2024 17:33

As a teacher I've come to the conclusion many have simply given up on any kind of parenting.

As a teacher, I agree with this too.

Hikingqueen · 24/04/2024 18:09

Itradehorses · 24/04/2024 17:47

Yeah, but those kids pushing in and breaking the rules will probably be your kids' bosses, won't they? Rules are for others. Didn't Boris teach us that! 😂

I doubt most of them will be employable let alone leaders.

More likely be the ones robbing cars and abusing teachers and supermarket staff.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 24/04/2024 18:09

ClareBlue · 24/04/2024 18:01

Well not just accept it, for starters.
Of course there are children and families that need interventions and help and always have. But bringing up well adjusted and socialised children takes energy and effort. Too many parents are just not prepared to do it and there are no consequences for not.
And I completely agree the examples around them can be as bad. And that starts from the top where breaking rules and being dishonest has become normalised and empathy and conciliation is seen as weakness.

But I wonder how much ‘worse’ this is than when I was younger. My secondary school was akin to Grange Hill, I can’t even mention the worst pupils, lots of fights in the playground, rolling about on the ground punching each other fights. Organised huge fights between different schools. Some quite harsh teachers, some nice ones. Regularly, teenagers bringing knives everywhere with them. I think if people didn’t have a school life that was akin to that they probably had a charmed life so think it is worse.

notthatperson · 24/04/2024 18:08

NoKnit · 24/04/2024 17:35

Not just that. That is clearly a child that needs help. Thank God it has a parent who loves him enough to treat him to an ice cream.

I guess psychology is a bit lost on you, probably because your so concerned about what other people do.

If a child behaves badly at school they need to be punished at school for it appropriately. The mess the child has made at school should remain mess at school. Once that child walks out of school and into their home/parents arms they need to know they are on level ground. Why should parents discipline something from school? Mess in school stays mess in school. You wouldn't expect a teacher to discipline something a child had done wrong out of school would you?

You maybe right on a few things. But you obviously have a laid back child who can follow orders easily. Hope for your child's sake they are also able to think for themselves. You need to wind your neck in on some of those points you made.

Did you mean to address me with that??

Marplesyrup · 24/04/2024 18:05

A friend of mine thought I was being ridiculous making my children queue and wait their turn in a theme park years ago. She laughed and said she always actively encouraged her children to push in at the front. Needless to say we didn’t go with them again.

ClareBlue · 24/04/2024 18:03

Goldenbear · 24/04/2024 18:00

Sorry but this simply isn’t true and just sweeping generalisations about past generations and current. I was brought up by liberal parents not permissive but they would never have smacked me, told me off but didn’t shout or ground me or anything like that, this was 80s/90s. I probably have a similar approach and my DC are positive and respectful young people who importantly know about what is kind and unkind. Kindness is key.

Same here. There was no fear in our house and I was shouted at twice . I remember it because it was so rare. This was the 80s.

HesterPrincess · 24/04/2024 18:03

Lazy can't be arsed parenting.

God help society when these kids are the adult generation. They'll still be kicking and screaming on the floor when they don't get a payrise at work....

ClareBlue · 24/04/2024 18:01

Well not just accept it, for starters.
Of course there are children and families that need interventions and help and always have. But bringing up well adjusted and socialised children takes energy and effort. Too many parents are just not prepared to do it and there are no consequences for not.
And I completely agree the examples around them can be as bad. And that starts from the top where breaking rules and being dishonest has become normalised and empathy and conciliation is seen as weakness.

Goldenbear · 24/04/2024 18:00

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 24/04/2024 17:52

Parenting use to be rule by fear or do as I say or else. Alot of children growing up from those generations are not being able to identify feelings , process emotions and have significant mh issues due to the impact of that style of parenting.

The problem is a lot of parents haven't found a suitable alternative.

There's blackmail/bribery - can work but not always suitable and relies on offering something better than what the child is doing
Reasoning - only works if you have a child who can rationalise
Reward - only works if you have a child who cares about the reward

Also factor in more two parents working households. Increased stress on parents to juggle it all and stress of money

So a lot of parents have opted for ignore . It's not ideal and doesn't bode well for future generations.

Sorry but this simply isn’t true and just sweeping generalisations about past generations and current. I was brought up by liberal parents not permissive but they would never have smacked me, told me off but didn’t shout or ground me or anything like that, this was 80s/90s. I probably have a similar approach and my DC are positive and respectful young people who importantly know about what is kind and unkind. Kindness is key.

stayathomer · 24/04/2024 17:57

All the people defending- I would have defended too but all of op’s examples are ones where it’s either right or wrong- it’s not people being judged- if they say ‘no x in the playground’ that’s end of, then after that there’s no home situation that can justify someone doing actual damage, a child running into the road you have to tell them there and then you could have been killed! They’re all valid points and need to be dealt with as they happen

Goldenbear · 24/04/2024 17:55

ClareBlue · 24/04/2024 17:52

Until they run out in front of your car, or push your child into a swimming pool, or your children get no education time because of their behaviour, or they break into your house at 12, or mug your granny at 14, or beat up your daughter at 20. Of course it is of concern to everyone when parents bring up entitled, feral children with no socialisation or boundaries. What a pathetic comment. Part of the problem, actually.

Unfortunately, there have always been children that have behaved like this and yes they have become dysfunctional adults. What do you propose people do about the situation?

FUBAR77 · 24/04/2024 17:53

NoKnit · 24/04/2024 17:35

Not just that. That is clearly a child that needs help. Thank God it has a parent who loves him enough to treat him to an ice cream.

I guess psychology is a bit lost on you, probably because your so concerned about what other people do.

If a child behaves badly at school they need to be punished at school for it appropriately. The mess the child has made at school should remain mess at school. Once that child walks out of school and into their home/parents arms they need to know they are on level ground. Why should parents discipline something from school? Mess in school stays mess in school. You wouldn't expect a teacher to discipline something a child had done wrong out of school would you?

You maybe right on a few things. But you obviously have a laid back child who can follow orders easily. Hope for your child's sake they are also able to think for themselves. You need to wind your neck in on some of those points you made.

@NoKnit - Disagree completely. You should definitely be talking about behaviour in school at home, and showing a united front with their teacher/any authority figure…

cansu · 24/04/2024 17:52

Some parents do not want to deal with their kids being difficult at home so they don't enforce any consequences. I have sat in meetings with parents who
laugh when their kids rude behaviour is described.
Send and receive texts during the meeting
Swear at staff

There are some completely hopeless parents out there.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 24/04/2024 17:52

Parenting use to be rule by fear or do as I say or else. Alot of children growing up from those generations are not being able to identify feelings , process emotions and have significant mh issues due to the impact of that style of parenting.

The problem is a lot of parents haven't found a suitable alternative.

There's blackmail/bribery - can work but not always suitable and relies on offering something better than what the child is doing
Reasoning - only works if you have a child who can rationalise
Reward - only works if you have a child who cares about the reward

Also factor in more two parents working households. Increased stress on parents to juggle it all and stress of money

So a lot of parents have opted for ignore . It's not ideal and doesn't bode well for future generations.

Goldenbear · 24/04/2024 17:52

I am on friend terms with my DS and I am his parent, why do the two have to be mutually exclusive or is this the only way to be a parent, to insist on Victorian standards where children are there to be corrected all the time! DS at 17 is funny and charismatic as his younger sister, we have a great relationship.

ClareBlue · 24/04/2024 17:52

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 24/04/2024 17:03

Not my circus not my monkeys... Is that the right saying?

Until they run out in front of your car, or push your child into a swimming pool, or your children get no education time because of their behaviour, or they break into your house at 12, or mug your granny at 14, or beat up your daughter at 20. Of course it is of concern to everyone when parents bring up entitled, feral children with no socialisation or boundaries. What a pathetic comment. Part of the problem, actually.

Itradehorses · 24/04/2024 17:47

Yeah, but those kids pushing in and breaking the rules will probably be your kids' bosses, won't they? Rules are for others. Didn't Boris teach us that! 😂

moonlitmaze · 24/04/2024 17:45

Is that what some parents use MN for? So they can brag about their superior parenting. How do you know other parents are not judging your kids? I doubt they are all as perfect as you seem to think they are.

MississippiAF · 24/04/2024 17:43

People being their children’s friends rather than parents. They find it easier to take the weak and lazy option. (‘What can I do, she’s a little miss sassy?!’)

Thesr will be the same later asking ‘where the village is’ when no-one apparently wants to get involved with their DC..