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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit sad about this comment from DP

37 replies

whatcomesnextisbeautiful · 24/04/2024 13:06

DP and I have a two year old daughter. We're both shift workers, I part time, he full time. Our daughter doesn't go to nursery and so we manage all of the childcare between us. We both have our own out of work commitments aside from parenting.

Today DP said to me that he didn't want to "babysitting" for the next two afternoons if I wasn't going to be using the time he has her productively.

I should say that he and our daughter have a good relationship and he isn't a bad father in any way. There has always been something about parenting I've believed he feels is a chore, and thus I've always felt the need to justify any time I ask him to look after her. I feel like today's comment solidifies my belief.

Do other people's partners/husbands feel the same way towards looking after their own children? Are my PMS hormones clouding my judgement?

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 24/04/2024 13:20

He sounds like a dickhead. Don’t have any more kids, he won’t get any better

Lampslights · 24/04/2024 13:18

No, we both enjoyed being with our child. Still do and she’s young adult, we never argued about it or saw it as a chore.

MonsieurSpade · 24/04/2024 13:16

@whatcomesnextisbeautiful reminds me of ex bil who told dsis that as she only worked part time she was abusing him!
It was his demeaning attitude that affected her mh so much that she couldn't cope with full time work.
She left him not long after that remark.

WimpoleHat · 24/04/2024 13:13

Babysitting is not an ok term to use for parenting your own child.

Quite. Perfectly put.

Original poster
whatcomesnextisbeautiful · 24/04/2024 13:13

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 24/04/2024 13:08

So you're only allowed free time if he's happy with how you're spending it? Is that what you mean?

What are you doing the two afternoons he is "babysitting" that he's not happy about? Has he not had equal time for himself?

It's a stupid way to describe looking after your own child, that would irritate me as well.

For the last few years I've been retraining independently, in my own time and out of my own pocket. I've progressed massively but it hasn't always been linear progression, and on top of dealing with new motherhood, sleep deprivation and working part time, I haven't always made progress as quickly as I'd like or have taken two steps forwards and one step back sort of thing. I've always tried my best mind and everything I do is with a view to supporting my family.

He is fed up of me not progressing at the rate he and I had hoped, and so he's basically saying if I'm not going to make progress then he doesn't want to give me the time.

I literally never say no to anything he wants to do, be that stuff for his own welfare or so he can progress in other areas.

I guess it's more the interpretation that he wouldn't want to spend time with her if I didn't otherwise have anything to do. But like I say, it could be me reading too much into it 🤷

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 24/04/2024 13:12

Nah, my husband wouldn’t see spending time with our son as “babysitting” he’d actually be royally offended if someone described him as a babysitter. He’s a parent.

To be honest I had to reread when you say your husband only wants you to have time away from parenting if you’re being “productive” - what on earth does that mean? You aren’t just allowed a break? Or he has to have a reason to want to spend time with your child? That’s a horror story of a relationship/ family right there. Maybe say you’re out working to save for the therapy you’ll be buying your kid over the fact daddy needed to be forced to be around them?

MiddleagedBeachbum · 24/04/2024 13:11

You don’t babysit you’re own children.

Talipesmum · 24/04/2024 13:11

Babysitting is not an ok term to use for parenting your own child.

In a situation where you’re both working shifts and managing all childcare between you, I can well imagine it’s very tightly run and there’s very little wiggle room or space for either of you to have any time to yourselves. So I can imagine getting resentful if it was imbalanced - one parent doing more childcare or more shifts than the other - or if one parent used the not-working not-childcare time to do lots of household jobs / cleaning etc, and the other used the not-working not-childcare time to do hobbies. Can’t tell what’s happening here from what you’ve said.

coxesorangepippin · 24/04/2024 13:10

if I wasn't going to be using the time he has her productively.

^

What does this mean

Crunchymum · 24/04/2024 13:10

Urgh - men don't babysit their own children!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/04/2024 13:09

Ask him what extra children he is "babysitting" alongside being a father to his daughter?

Men honestly, he is being a parent, tell him to suck it up !!

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 24/04/2024 13:08

So you're only allowed free time if he's happy with how you're spending it? Is that what you mean?

What are you doing the two afternoons he is "babysitting" that he's not happy about? Has he not had equal time for himself?

It's a stupid way to describe looking after your own child, that would irritate me as well.