To expect us to pay for therapy

He uses his salary for ‘spends’..?

I would recommend looking for a therapist other than relate. Myself and several other couples I know had horrendous experiences. There are a lot of very well qualified therapists much cheaper than that.

Wow, he has it cushy doesn't he? No wonder he doesn't want to change things.

I'd love to be able to spend whatever I want and have someone else deal with it all, without even being allowed to tell me to spend less. And then on top of it all get to make a scene when it turns out that that someone used all her savings on accommodating my lifestyle choice.

You've been taken for a mug, OP.

So you're in trouble but in actual fact he's abdicated his responsibility and his side of the decision making about family outgoings to you?

He just uses his salary for his own spend

Can you explain what you mean by this?

I only want to try and save the marriage for the kids and not causing huge disruption. We aren't a partnership and there is little kindness

Don't bother. It's not good for the children, they're not stupid. Far better to have two happy, separated parents than unhappy together parents.

if you don't really live him & can't imagine a future without him & him you. You're wasting money & time in therapy.

there will be disruption at some point, just get it done, over with and start a new chapter in your life!!

A White Elephant

You're at pains to save a marriage "for your children" in which there is no care or communication and is barely a partnership. I'm not sure they'd thank you.

Hi @Monkkkk do either of you have access to an Employee Assistance Programme as a work benefit? If so, it usually provides a minimum of 6 free sessions if clinically appropriate and quite often for family members too. The one I worked for also provided couples counselling too. There's likely a high chance one of you have access to an EAP.

A local independent counsellor would cost a lot less round here (SE) but he doesn't sound like he wants to change/save the marriage.

Therapy can be expensive. One of my DD’s had private speech therapy because there was a long waiting list on the nhs and that cost £95 an hour and an extra £18 for her mileage. However with all your updates especially where one of the main issues in your marriage is money and there’s no transparency with the savings, him calling you names, I’m not sure the counselling will achieve as much really

He doesn't get to disengage from all the financials then have a paddy when he feels he doesn't know what is going on, when he has opted out and put it into the too hard basket.

What did he think was going on when you were on maternity leave? Does he think you've got a money tree out the back?

I only want to try and save the marriage for the kids and not causing huge disruption. We aren't a partnership and there is little kindness.

I'm sure you have the best intentions but that sounds like you're gifting them a White Elephant to me.

Try Marriage Care. They're a charity. No hourly rate, you give what you can. Fully qualified counsellors giving their time

Given his reluctance to engage - unless there are serious reasons behind his money issues - I'd suggest that you start to disengage.

Your marriage should be seen as something of value and he doesn't seem to think so

6k a month and you only account for 5 ...is there a problem there as well ?

Telling him in therapy is THE place to do it, with a trained intermediary who can ask the right questions to him, such as how did he think the increase in fees/mortgage was being paid if he had taken a reduction in income, and how much did he contribute when your salary took a hit during maternity leave.

It sounds as if he has some deep seated issues around finances being a joint topic and that you both need to be on the same page with it. You have been hiding things because of his defensiveness and it has got worse from there

Don’t think I’d get beyond being called a c**t though - that is terrible!!!

This. I pay £50 an hour and she does couples counselling too

So you need therapy to BE HONEST about 'no savings'???? Is Dh abusive or how on earth do you think this is a marriage anyone of you should stay in, other than for kids? Calling you c is not the language I would use, but that s dishonest.

My DH gets a bit unreasonable when we discuss certain things, but that is no reason for me to not be honest with him, to avoid the confrontation.

Also, OP has just confirmed why it is best to keep finances separate. The idea that I 'think' I have 'savings' meanwhile I have 'none' is frightening.

Your relationship and communication is the bedrock of so many things

your children’s communication
how they will view potential partners
how you spend money
how you spend your time
Your happiness
Your children’s happiness

How isn’t that worth money? There is no patience or faith between you - it’s going to be a bumpy ride

I think he'll find divorce a bit more expensive than relate.

Yes, you kind of are in the shit. But, they were your savings which you have depleted as a couple. The lack of honesty means you have no fall back, which I would be angry about, but it's also not like you've been taking £300 each month saying it was going in savings when it wasn't.