AIBU to be upset with teenage sons?

Yanbu but I do wonder, how does your dh usually behave at times like this? Have they grown up seeing him caring about you and pulling his weight or is he also selfish? Either way, I'd be going on strike and expecting dh to sort them out, they need to see him lead by example how to be a caring and kind man. Hope you feel better soon.

Sometimes in life I think you can put aside being kind and reasonable and just go flipping nuclear. This is one of those times.

Def have a word with the 18 year old about using some intuition and caring for others.

However I do think where you went wrong is still making dinner for them. That probably made them think you weren’t as ill as you felt. Next time, they need to make their own dinner.

YANBU. I think sometimes it happens even more when parents are overly kind/caring/nurturing. It's like they forget it need to be more than one way.

Talk to them. This happened to me once. Share with them what they should do when someone is unwell and why. They are old enough to hear it and to do better.

Feel better soon

What is your husband's compassion in this scenario? I'd he never asks if your okay etc in this scenario, then your son's have grown up with that as a role model and it may not even occur to them to check/ask because they haven't seen others do it and just assume super mum will be fine and sort everything like she normally does.

I think you need to talk to them, explain how much you do for them day in day out and that when your feeling a little worse for wear (or not even) making a cup of tea or even a bit of toast wouldn't go a miss to help you recover. Even when everything is fine, if one of them made you a cup of tea off their own back it would go a long way right?

I don't know what the answer is, we should be able to make them better, but I had a very similar experience with my teen boys. The good news is, today the 22yo has treated me to brunch and hoovered the whole house, without being asked. It does improve.

Start doing less for them. They need to learn to reciprocate care.

What do they do currently?

Yeah that's shit behaviour, for comparison my teen dd helped with the cooking, kept up with the washing up and helped if I needed something when I had covid recently.

It's basic humanity to look after loved ones when they're ill.

Turn of the WiFi and pause their phone contracts.

Jeez, my teenage boys who have ld would never behave lime this. Disgusting. Hold onto this feeling op and start making changes so that they realise what family is

It sounds to me as though they don't make you a cup of tea when you are well even which is where you have gone wrong. They should already be doing this as a normal thing and then they would know you need extra care when ill. I guess the fact you made dinner led them to think you were okay to make a drink. I guess if they were used to making a drink it wouldn't have occurred to then to cause a fuss about having to do so.

Don't raise your boys to rely on women cooking and doing things in the house. The more normal you make this the more it isn't an issue for them.

Absolutely agree.

And when they are used to you "explaining, teaching, working things through", being slapped with that wet fish (I prefer 'going fucking nuclear', personally) can be so shocking to them that they actually think about what they've been doing.

They sound awful, I’m not surprised you’re upset.

Time to stop doing so much for them, it just creates lazy, entitled adults.

Yep, that's really crap OP. DP gets migraines a lot and 16yo (usually) steps up when she does. Makes her cups of coffee, checks on her periodically, sort out dinner etc.

I'd be cutting back on being "caring" Mum for a while. Let them sort their own dinners for a while, do their own washing, no lifts anywhere. And explain exactly why you're doing it.

Same. You have just had a clear message that they take you utterly for granted and don’t feel they need to take care of you or consider your needs/feelings at all. Time to make a change. Teens are often excused for being self-centred as if it’s something they can’t change - trust me, they aren’t all like that. I have taught hundreds of teenagers over the years and they are perfectly capable of being kind and thoughtful, many of them without needing to be reminded!

I’ve said it before on here and I will say it again now.

Sometimes there are times for explaining, teaching, working things through. You are entitled to respectful behaviour appropriate to the circumstances.

But, this time, when you feel better, I would be going off my brain at them because, just sometimes, teenagers need to slapped in the face with a wet fish.

I'd think you had my children if you'd said 13 and 11! 13 is a shitty age though ime, he's my 3rd 13 year old

It's upsetting op when you feel like crap and they won't even do the basics or even ask if you are OK

Not sure OP, because I think this is something to teach from birth. Which is why I cringe when I read posts about how children owe you nothing, their feelings must be centred at all times, they can treat you as they please cos...undeveloped brains..because this thinking is how we end up with thoughtless teens who see you as an appliance rather than a human being.
Hoping for your sake this isn't typical of your boys and that they are decent teens who were just thoughtless/distracted, because ignoring their visibly ill mum is not on. I'd talk to them, ideally with your partner there so its a consistent message. Tell them they were wrong and what changes you want to see going forward.

Time to go on strike. No meals, cleaning, washing done for them etc. When they question why, say you realised when you were ill and they could barely make you a cup of tea that giving in the relationship was one way so you decided to leave them to it. They’ll soon realise all you were doing and will hopefully show their gratitude by stepping up.

Just spend the next few days concentrating on getting yourself better. Let them look after themselves. At those ages they’re not going to starve and they should be more than capable of looking after themselves. After you have recovered I’d have a serious chat with them about their behaviour and more importantly take a step back. If you carry on doing everything for them your just setting up some other poor woman in 10 of 15 years time to post yet another thread about how useless and self absorbed her husband is.

YANBU and you are absolutely right to want to sort them out. They are growing up in a culture which reinforces to them that caring for others is for women and not something they have to be concerned about. But women and girls are increasingly disinclined to put up with this shit from men, and so it is unlikely that they will have happy relationships later on in life if they carry these attitudes forward with them. All teens can be a bit selfish and uncaring, and I think need decent standards of behaviour reinforced to them. Most grow out of it, but there is a subset - usually although not always young men, I'm afraid - who seem to go through life expecting others to wait on them without giving a shit in return.

I've had this a few times with my (now adult) children and the best way I've found is to text/WhatsApp them as a group. Make it as factual as possible and also point out how their behaviour made you feel (without going on and on!) State it as a matter of fact and explain what you expected of them, that you didn't get. State that you expect better from now on. Mine have never been as extreme as yours OP, but I think that sometimes they genuinely just don't think and they need to get used to putting themselves in other peoples shoes.

Teenagers are selfish by nature but what I found from seeing friends and my own experience is because we often are too caring and do to much they don’t actually pay attention or value it .
You know what works ? Stop taking Tate if them so much . They are capable . They will only understand it if you do the same to them .

Thanks!

A 13 year old can make a cup of tea and a dinner. Mine cooks once a week and has done since aged 10.