Hen do dilemma

I would be cross if someone hadn't replied to me after 3 days, especially as you are going out of your way to attend these events.

I think I would take myself out of the situation altogether by now. Whether you're invited or not is almost irrelevant as they aren't being very polite to you in ignoring your messages.

I would probably say somethig along the lines of, 'unfortunately I do not know the details of the hen party, I am unable to organise accomodation etc. If my original deposit could be returned that would be great. '

To the bride, I would ask for an adress to forward a card(I would not put a gift in) and if that prompts a conversation you can explain why you will/won't be attending.

If need be, make an excuse to avoid feeling like you will upset anyone. Depends on how you want to maintain the friendship in the future. However, no one has been mindful of your feelings.

Sorry you have been treated this way.

That’s a really rude way to be treated.

a) it is entirely reasonable not to go a wedding if you have only been invited to a hen.

b) it is safe to assume you will not be invited to a wedding at this stage. 6 weeks might have been tradition but I have barely seen an invite with less than 6 month notice for years. Too much cost and expense and the bride needs to know numbers.

c) contact the hen cc’ing the bride and your other friend, say that as you haven’t had a response from either of them on arrangements for either the hen and it is now too late to book reasonable accommodation you will have to regretfully bow out. State that you feel it’s entirely reasonable to ask for your deposit back within 10 days given the position you’ve been put in. Wish them well for the weekend.

d) plan something nice for the BH weekend with your family.

e) message the bride, say that you hope everything is ok and it’s just that she’s busy. If you value her as a friend, by all means suggest some drinks or a lunch to celebrate her pending nuptials with your mutual friend. If there is time. Before her wedding. Whenever that is.

Any update OP?

The hen is in a week and you've still not heard? I'd write off the £50 and not bother to be honest.

Have you asked the hen organiser?

I feel for you OP as this is v frustrating. I would contact the hen organiser & I think I would actually be re-considering how close a friend the bride actually is. They're being incredibly rude.

In your shoes I would decline the hen & ask for my money back on the basis that they left it too late, provided zero details for you to plan around.

Where I'm from it's highly unusual to invite people to the hen but not the wedding. That would be considered very odd. The only way I've ever seen thar happen is where someone cannot attend the wedding (due date / surgery in one case / clashing dates etc) but they were invited to both..

It's not you - it's definitely them! Hope you get answers soon.

I wonder if there's more going on here. Either the bride is having some personal issues, or there has been a mix up either with the what's app group or the hen party arrangements.

If you don't hear anything today, I'd text the hen party organiser and ask her.

Incidentally, we only have one free weekend for months, I probably wouldn't be able to attend if someone gave me 6 weeks notice for a wedding!

Lots of good advice on here, but I would do exactly as advised above.

As previously said by a PP, you’ve been shamefully ghosted by the Hen do organiser, who as another PP said, has effectively stolen £50 from you (as things stand).

It’s feasible that you’ve been quietly dropped from the wedding guest list, therefore the bride is too embarrassed to want you at her Hen do, but no one wants the difficult job of telling you.

This all amounts to disgraceful behaviour and I’d be relieved to not have to go, if that’s the case, because these people don’t sound like actual friends.

I'm nd & wouldn't be able to cope with this at all.

I'd also struggle to call too.

If they take £50 with no invites, that is theft!

This is so weird. I'd feel awkward about all this too (I'm not ND), it's an uncomfortable situation to navigate.

It could have all been communicated by email and they got your email address wrong or it went to the spam folder.

You really need to call the bride and let her know that you've received no communication about the hen do or the wedding and want to know where you stand on both. Just say "Im sure you're busy so I haven't wanted to bother you but I haven't received any information about either event. Can you please tell me whether I'm still invited, it's fine if I'm not but I do need to know so I can plan around it."

I always thought that the hen do was meant to be the females closest to the bride and would have expected them to get a wedding invitation. On here though there seem to have been cases where they invite women they are not particularly close too just to keep the costs down without no intentions of inviting them to the wedding.

I am sorry but it doesn't sound like you are getting any type of wedding invitation and they have ghosted you shamefully about the hen do. Really, the bride could simply say that the wedding is very small and they have invited very few people. If they changed their mind about you attending the hen do, they should have refunded your money and made some face saving excuse.

Given their behaviour, I am not even sure if you are invited to the hen do because wouldn't there have been lots of communications and arrangements being made with you if you were?

This is not you being non-neurotypical but them being very rude. I would just ask for my 50 pounds back because it is beyond rude to keep it in the circumstances. I would spend the money on a weekend with my own family.

This seems very disorganised. I would be inclined to message the organiser saying that it seems that the hen isn’t going ahead - please confirm and refund if necessary etc etc. But calling her would be even better.

I'd find this very odd OP, so disorganised.

I also wouldn't dream of inviting people to the hen do who weren't invited to the wedding. Surely there will be a lot of wedding talk at the hen do and that would exclude people. Very rude.

I'd be assuming you are not invited to the wedding or the hen do, to be honest.

It's incredibly rude of both bride and hen do organiser not to have been in touch. Even if invitations / details do materialise, I'd decline the whole thing.

Definitely do not go booking anything lie accommodation that you cannot cancel without full refund.

Just a bit out there - any change the wedding has been called off and they've not thought to tell you? Stranger things have happened.

Is there any chance that you've just been used to contribute £50 towards the hen do but you're not actually invited to either the hen or the wedding?

It sounds bizarre but it's a scenario that has been coming up a lot on Mumsnet recently.

Personally, I wouldn't bother going to a hen do if I wasn't invited to the wedding.

Meh, I’m not so black and white. For me there can be lots of reasons, particularly small weddings where it’s only family and a couple of close friends, I’m ok with that, and a bigger hen.

folks really do have some weird rules they make up and then dictate everyone needs to comply with.

If I wasn't invited to the wedding, I sure as hell wouldn't be going to the hen-do! It's odd! The entire purpose of the hen-do is it being a 'send-off' for the bride and celebrating her next chapter - the wedding!

Unfortunately with no save the date, invite or even information about the wedding, I think it looks like you’re not invited.

Bit odd to me she said she’d get you an invite once the caterer was booked as I thought you needed rough numbers first (although I’ve never planned a wedding!)

I wouldn’t be surprised if you received an invite the week before, or with little notice, as someone had dropped out, but at the moment it’s fair to assume you’re not invited,

As others had said, if the wedding is small I wouldn’t be offended to go to the hen and not the wedding, but for a large wedding I’d feel very much like I was there to bump up numbers. As you don’t have any info about the wedding, I just wouldn’t go to the hen. I think the bride has been quite rude and I wouldn’t want to spend £250 on someone who’s being so thoughtless.

Exactly, I like to know what I’m doing and if I had a hen party happening (supposedly) in 10 days I’d expect a plan by now, not knowing anything would irritate me.

How weird! I’d be going straight to the person you paid your hen party money to and asking to know what’s going on, 10 days time and no further info/whatsapp chat or similar is really odd.

Maybe the actual wedding date has been pushed back for some reason? But they should be letting people know about the hen at this stage - pls message and report back! :)

Wanting to know what's going on isn't obsessing it's just wanting to know.

Pick

Up

The

Phone

I wouldn't go to any of it if I were in this situation. I'd send a message to the hen do organiser asking for my £50 back "because I've heard nothing for months" and leave it at that.

I would not expect to get the money back however and would write that off as simply the price you've paid to find out these people are not your friends.

What a strange situation to find yourself in OP
I don’t think I’d be going to the hen. Think I’d wait to hear details and if you do, say you’d assumed it wasn’t going ahead as you’d heard nothing. If the date comes and goes then contact the organiser and ask for your £50 back.
The wedding is when? Sounds to me like you’re not invited, but this all sounds so strange that who knows?!

It's weird for the hen organiser not to be in contact. I'd try her again and see what is happening, I'd call her not message.

The wedding invites might not be sent yet, although I sent my about 4 months in advance (with a long RSVP date)