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Hen do dilemma

182 replies

Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 08:11

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

OP posts:
newyorkhotel · 27/04/2024 16:48

FestivalFun · 24/04/2024 12:26

As the hen do is only 10 days away I’d assume you have been uninvited to it. You would have had more details/asked for more money by now.
How often are you usually in contact with the bride, the fact that you haven’t been given a the date of the wedding date yet makes me think you are now not invited.
Its all really weird.

I also agree with this. Its not "stressing" for goodness sake to want to know if you are going to hen event in 10 days or not- you cant just tell people the night before what the plans are FFS, people have lives and plans. How long is she supposed to wait- until the day itself just in case she gets a summons to be there?

I think they've ghosted you. I would be texting the hen do organiser and saying you want your deposit back as you have heard nothing from anyone and its in 10 days and have now made other plans since noone has got in touch.

I wouldnt be texting the bride again either, I just wouldnt go to her wedding. People cannot leave it so late to let people know what's going on, it's rude and stupid.

MrsMiddleMother · 27/04/2024 16:47

Just don't go OP, to the hen or wedding. Use the time with your family and save the money. If you hadn't chased it they probably wouldn't have said anything to you. Request the £50 back but if they refuse, just take it on the chin.

Coldupnorth87 · 27/04/2024 16:46

Oh, I'd just swerve it altogether...

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2024 16:46

Don't go - sod them all

Anonymoususe · 27/04/2024 16:44

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond! I spoke to bride & outright asked if I’m invited - I am. apparently she’s been terrible with the invitations and the wedding is 2 months away. Not sure if I will be attending or not because I still don’t know WHERE the wedding is/ timings or if it’s just me or my family included in the invitation. The date is a really tricky one for me and would take a lot of effort in moving things around to enable me to go. I’m not sure if I’m willing to make the effort to be honest as the whole situation has left me feeling really baffled over our friendship. I spoke to the hen organiser and asked what the plan is, got a pretty short but sweet message “we are meeting at this time & at this place” so I’m feeling quite unwelcome as it comes across as though it’s all been organised and I’m the last to know. Would I have been told if I didn't ask? I don’t know anyone else going, the 1 person I did know has now dropped out. The conclusion is I’m still not really sure what I’m going to do!

OP posts:
PlatinumMoon · 27/04/2024 16:43

I’ve organised a hen do where many attended for different days/nights and, although complicated, managed to work out a fair division of the charges applied to each hen according to what they were ‘costing’ over a 3 night residential self catered weekend, with external spa visits, etc.

If you don’t get a reply from the Bride over the weekend, as others have suggested, it does seem that you’ve been eliminated from the invitation list but you are not being given the common courtesy of a simple text saying sorry, but numbers, blah blah ….. etc. She doesn’t deserve your reluctance to bow out without claiming your money back.

As you originally paid £50 as a deposit for a day and evening at a venue closer to you and this later changed requiring an overnight stay, I think you should contact the hen organiser and say you would like the money refunded.

The estimated costs are simple to work out, based on meal / drinks price, activity, etc. and you’ll then realise your £50 won’t be much compared to the individual costs for others attending for the whole lot.

You shouldn’t lose your £50 - if you feel embarrassed to ask for it back, wouldn’t you rather it go to a charity of your choice rather than to subsidise a selfish and discourteous friend who is too cowardly to contact you.

Value yourself! You’ve been excluded from the hen do group chats and are being deliberately kept in the dark. Just send your bank info. to the hen organiser and ask for £50 to be transferred back immediately with a simple explanation that you feel disconnected from the group and haven’t wanted to pressure the bride. Suggest the easiest solution for everyone concerned is to have your funds refunded immediately. Your part of the overall costs won’t have been finalised yet as final numbers for activities, meals, etc. are probably due around now.

Good luck

PlantLight · 27/04/2024 16:03

I’d message the he mn organiser and say are you still invited to the hen donor was it an oversight. Then enjoy not having to go

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/04/2024 16:02

Aavalon57 · 24/04/2024 12:27

All sounds very odd to me. I don't blame you for feeling how you do, OP. I think you need to do what someone upthread said. Tell the organiser you assume the hen isn't happening as you haven't heard anything, and can you have your £50 back. That should prompt a response. Also, the lack of communication from the bride suggests you are not invited to the wedding. ☹️

This. 100 per cent.

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 27/04/2024 15:57

I’ve never heard of wedding invitations going out 6 weeks before the wedding, 6 months yes, but not weeks.

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/04/2024 15:44

I would contact the person organising the hen do ASAP. Check if it's still happening as it's only 10 days away. If you don't want to go to the hen, if you're not being invited to the wedding, then pull out and see if you can get your money back. If you want to go to the hen, regardless of the wedding, then you probably need more details.

Regarding the wedding I would give the bride the weekend to get back to you. She may be embarrassed at having told too many people they would be invited, before she actually worked out numbers and the guest list (that doesn't excuse her not answering you). Then try calling her, if she's not answering messages. The hen organiser will know the wedding date.

eise · 27/04/2024 15:35

OP call the bride and hen do organiser.
Don't text call. If no response don't make plans or go to either. Life is too short.

Birdseyetrifle · 27/04/2024 15:34

You need to contact the organiser of the hen do as the bride might not know anything about the finer arrangements of the hen do.

If they don’t reply within 24 hours ask again and say they need to refund you your £50 if circumstances have changed.

Sassysia · 27/04/2024 14:41

This is a very strange situation!

How close actually are you to the bride?? The friends who came on my hen do were close friends I saw lots of/were in touch regularly with and obviously knew when my wedding was because we talked about it lots! (Plus the fact I sent wedding invites!) I’m guessing you haven’t even see the bride in 6 months??? Or spoken???? You can’t be close surely?

friendlycat · 27/04/2024 14:33

I wonder what the outcome is considering the Hen do is now a week away.

5128gap · 27/04/2024 14:15

Personally if I didn't have enough of a relationship with a woman to know when her wedding was, if it was big or small and if I were invited, not to mention the sort of friendship where I could call, message or speak to her and find out, then I'd not be spending £250 on going to her hen do. Unless I really wanted the night/weekend away for its own sake.

Codlingmoths · 27/04/2024 14:06

I’d not be going to the hens. Not sure I’d bother letting anyone know but I can be petty! If they can’t be bothered communicating with me why would I bother communicating with them? I also assume you’re not invited to the wedding and they’re all a bit shit.

LuluBlakey1 · 27/04/2024 14:01

Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 11:00

Nearly 3 days ago asking when wedding is, not had a reply. No the hen do is 10 days away, I have no idea the date of the wedding

Ring her. Tell her you are not going to either and ask for your £50 back. She has treated you really badly. I can't imagine why you would want to go to either event.

Viviennemary · 27/04/2024 13:58

Just choose whether or not you still want to go to the hen do. Bit remiss of the bride not replying to your messages., I suppose if somebody else is organising the hen do thry might not know if everyone is invited to the wedding.

hottchocolatte · 27/04/2024 13:49

0verandoveragain · 24/04/2024 08:14

I'd just think about whether you want to go to the hen or not. Forget about everything else. You say you'd like to celebrate with her, so go.

Agree with this.

OP you can either take the time out or it. Don't make the friendship dependent on the wedding invitation.

Wishlist99 · 27/04/2024 13:49

This is incredibly rude / weird. Either you’re not invited to the wedding (weird and rude when you were invited to the hen) or the bride is incredibly disorganised and clueless and can’t fathom that people need more than a few weeks notice for an event (annoying and rude).

Nicole1111 · 27/04/2024 13:41

Definitely message saying you assume the hen is off and ask them if they need your bank details to return your deposit.

penjil · 27/04/2024 13:37

LinaLouLa · 27/04/2024 11:09

The hen is in a week and you've still not heard? I'd write off the £50 and not bother to be honest.

Oh no, I wouldn't be out of pocket because of their whims!

I'd chase that £50 refund!!

penjil · 27/04/2024 13:34

LittleMonks11 · 24/04/2024 08:45

Here we go again - what is it with brides to be these days?

Exactly!! Self-entitled bridezillas that have no awareness of any one else's social, familial or financial situation, and are so consumed (for years, even!) with their wedding.

They seem to have lost touch of all reality.

Why would you invite someone to your hen-do and not your wedding, or at least the evening event of the wedding?!

Namenamchange · 27/04/2024 13:12

Sorry op but the bride is ghosting you, I don’t think you are invited to the hen do or the wedding. They would have needed more money from you by now, and you would know the details, there would also be a group chat.

text the organiser and ask for your £50 back, and step back from the bride, the friendship maybe be salvageable after the wedding or not.

abs12 · 27/04/2024 12:59

Hello hen organiser, is it still on? Yes. Okay, and what's the wedding date? This will tell you all you need to know. Hen organiser I assume is close to the bride. She'll def know if you're invited or dropped. It won't be her words, it'll be her tone. Call her.

Is it still on? No. Okay, end of. Look forward to getting my money back.

I feel for you, good luck!

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