Hen do dilemma

OP, did you go? And has the wedding happened yet?

Send a text to the bride….
Hi, I have a number of family things that I have been asked to attend in the next couple of months. As I have not yet heard from you about definite plans for your upcoming celebrations I have decided to accept invites to various family events which now means that I will be unable to commit to your hen night and wedding. Thanks for including me though - I hope everything goes well and that you have a lovely day.

Send a wedding card when/if you hear when the wedding is.
You are in control now and have made your intentions clear in good time.
Hope this helps you. X

Yeah I agree with some posters on here.

I think you were possibly on the 'maybe' list, someone dropped out, and now that you asked her directly she's said yes.

There's no other reason I can think of as to why both bride and hen do planner have dragged this on.

I would decline to come.

And yes, sounds very odd and I wouldn’t bother going. I’d ask for my deposit back! you’ve been totally left out of plans and i find it all very rude! You should’ve been included in the planning and told where, when and what times etc… all sounds appalling and frankly I think the bride and her hen do friends all sound a bit dizzy to be SO unorganised!

Blimey! She sounds so unorganised, we sent out the date to guests as soon as we’d confirmed bookings, we also sent out information on local hotels and B&B’s which were walking distance from the wedding/reception. This gave everyone NINE months to plan their journey and book accommodation! We STILL had people say they couldn’t come due to holidays being pre booked!! And that was important people like aunts and uncles!… my MIL commented that 9 months wasn’t enough notice for people!!
If the bride hasn’t sent out save the date cards or invites and the wedding is 2 months away then I expect we’ll be seeing a MN post from a disgruntled bride wondering why no one is attending her wedding!!
I think the organisers of the hendo are dreadful! What was the £50 deposit even for if you’re booking your own accommodation? Can you even book a hotel on a bank holiday weekend 10 days in advance? Surely you’d have chased this months ago to benefit from wider choice and cheaper rooms? I know it’s moved location but you must’ve had some communication since paying the deposit to know it was now further away from home?!….. I find it all very odd and I still wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t get invited to the wedding, the bride seems incredibly vague! You spoke to her but still don’t know whether your whole family is invited or even where the wedding is?! Did you have to follow up your text with a call? Or did she call you? I’m wondering if she forgot to invite you, and you’ve reminded her… so now she’s having to source another invite and rearrange her table plan!
Sending out invites 8 weeks before a wedding is very poor form (without save a date cards going out first)…. People might take weeks to respond to her as need to request time off work, book baby sitters and hotels etc….. she might not even find out her final guest list till a few weeks in advance and she needs to give numbers for food at least a month before (in fact I think we had to give numbers 2 months before and could cancel / add people up to a month before!…

@Lampslights

The OP has had to chase both Hen organiser and Bride about her involvement/inclusion (very late in the day) …... she should not have to do that!

The OP then gets a luke-warm response from Hen organiser, and some suspicious sounding excuses from the bride about lack of invitation.

You may call this disorganised, I call it rude and hurtful towards the OP.

I would not put up with this treatment from so-called friend, but crack on if you think it’s ok.

It is very odd that there is no hen do whatsapp group and you've handed over money without knowing what the plan is. As you say it's odd they've told you what it is now as if it's been discussed.

As for the wedding it is even more odd if the bride doesn't know. She may be lying about inviting you because it's awkward.

If I were you I'd be tempted to say sorry I can't make the hen and it's unlikely I'll be able to make the wedding because we still don't have details to plan in advance. That might seal it for you though.

I just don’t get these scorched earth paranoid approaches. Clearly this one is far from logical. Of course she’s not waiting for someone to drop out, that would be hugely risky as it’s highly feasible no one will.

and there is simply no indication you are invited to hen to make up the numbers. It’s just ludicrous.

op it all sounds very disorganised.

No bride or groom is so disorganised that they forget to send out the invites (although I didn't get one for my best friend's but he literally put the flight details in front of me, that was as much as was needed in that case).

There's so much bull shit around weddings, inviting people to evening only and reserve lists, you're either good enough to be invited to the whole thing or not at all.

After your recent update OP, I would make the following conclusions:

You’ve been invited to the Hen do, to make up the numbers.

The bride is waiting for someone to drop out before inviting you to the actual wedding.

I absolutely would not be going to either, and the £50 would be a price worth paying to avoid this shitshow of a shambles.

The only time I got wedding invites that late, the bride left the groom as soon as they got back from honeymoon. So it maybe not all is rosy…..

Don't go! They aren't your friends and the bride is flaky, you've made every effort but they whole scenario is crap and you'll be much better off doing something nice with your family!

Is it possible the Hen is dragging her heels because she might be having 2nd thoughts re going through with the wedding?

Alternatively Does she need help from her friends with the arrangements? Could it be costing more than they have and she hasn’t made the necessary deposits?

im thinking there’s more going on that isn’t related to you OP.

Why don't you call instead of messaging and get the answers you really need. I don't think I'd be going if I was left hanging like you have been. Very rude on someones part.

Agreed with previous posters-you’ve been messed around enough. I’d bow out of both at this point.

I'm sorry OP, but I think the bride is blatantly lying. She's clearly rescinded her original (verbal) invitation to her wedding and hasn't the good manners to inform you properly (and tbf, there might well have been a good reason for her pulling back on numbers of people she'd originally hoped to invite).

As for the Hen Do organiser, this woman has invited you, requested and accepted a small deposit from you and then cut you out of the loop with arrangements. No apology at all from her when you contact her a few days away from the Hen Do to find out what is going on.

Both the Bride and the Hen Do organiser really are shoddy people.

The bride is no friend and £50 seems a small price to pay to figure this out now rather than a few years down the live when you've been messed about by this selfish narc.

I'd simply cease communication with her. Not even a wedding card through the post.

There's a little evil part of me that would be tempted to accept the wedding invitation (should it actually come) but just not attend and therefore fuck up her seating plan etc.... 😈😈😈😈👿 see how she likes being fucked around...

@Anonymoususe has the wedding been postponed or called off?

I find all this hen and wedding ££££ stuff baffling.
If you're good friends, arrange to meet up with her for a nice little meal/drinks before the wedding.
If not, don't.
Do you actually need to be part of a female gang to celebrate with her?

It all sounds poorly organised to me - both the wedding and the hen do. You need to send a firm email to the hen do organiser asking about hotels etc. And fingers crossed the bride manages to send her invites soon!

Sounds like you’re on the back up/reserve list

if course they have sent out invites or at the very least a save the date

i would just take the hint that im not really wanted

I'd message the bride and say "Hi, would you mind passing me "Bridesmaid name" contact details as I haven't heard from her in a while and wanted to double check what the hen plans are for next week". When she replies, ask "Also, what are your plans for the wedding day? I wasn't sure if you're having a smaller celebration for the actual wedding or if I'd be invited to come to that part, but I'd love to get you a wedding gift regardless, so please send me your wedding list if you have one!" It's a polite way of finding out and you don't actually have to buy anything from the list 😂

I've been in similar positions before and have concluded that some people are truly awful as bridesmaids! I once went to a hen do where I only knew the bride (we were old colleagues) and right up until the day itself, I didn't know where exactly in East London I was supposed to be going. I even had a message from a bridesmaid saying that the go karting activity was only for the bride's "closest friends". I didn't like to tell the bride too much detail as I didn't want to upset the mood so I just turned up to the evening part and was the life and soul of the party, much to that bridesmaid's annoyance!

I also was disinvited to a wedding of a girl I'd been friends with for 20 years, the invite just never came although I went to her birthday and engagement do, and she swore to our mutual friend (who was a bridesmaid) that I was invited. To this day I don't know what happened as she had a huge wedding and in hindsight I'm very glad I swerved the hen do!

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you are close enough to the bride to be going to either the hen OR the wedding. So I think it's been a mistake.

How strange. OP, what have you actually paid FOR? No-one sends money to some random with no clue as to what it was actually for.

I agree that none of it rings true, wedding venues are booked well in advance, often a couple of years. And invitations are the same. Bride usually udnerstands that people have busy lives and need to plan so need plenty of advance notice of an event like a wedding. Otherwise they run the the risk of booking a venue of a certain size, and then half the planned guests can't make it.

So something's not right.

I got added to a stag whatsapp group by the stag organiser and I think it had just been done automatically to all the groom's facebook friends. It is an old friend but not someone I stay in regular touch with IRL cos life. So while I read the discussion around the plans I didn't put forward any opinion as assumed I'd been added just to make everyone the stag knew was included. After a week or two there was a tick box thingy to say whether you were coming an. d then after that if you hadn't ticked it you'd be taken off the planning group. So I didn't tick and I came off the groupchat and that was that. Are you sure you hadn't just been added for that reason? ie just because you were in the bride's contact list or something?

I wouldn’t go

Absolute no brainer. Don't go to either. Up to you if you want to try to get your £50 back.