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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

83 replies

CurlyCarla9 · 24/04/2024 07:18

My DH says school is just a horrible place that you get through to get out and that I’m worrying too much!

I’m a primary school teacher so I see the damage having no friends / being left out causes to children.

My son has ADHD although copes well in mainstream academically and is sociable but just hasn’t made any friends at all - he struggled enough in primary with friendships but I was able to help this somewhat by constantly taking other people’s kids out, spending lots of money and hoping it would follow onto a friendship - it never really did.

Now at secondary, all those primary kids have stuck together and my son has made no friends with any other group as they have all come together over things such as football training ( football is the one sport my son hates! ) or picking on other kids - mainly my son.

School are aware, they’ve tried various things such as a social skills group etc and the feedback is always good, that he is funny and well liked but this is only in the classroom / in front of teachers and then at break and lunchtime he’s alone.

He doesn’t want to move schools as hates change or I would have him out tomorrow but it’s heartbreaking to see him playing online games alone or with random people on the internet who then don’t bother with him again after a while or to see the large groups of boys heading to the skatepark after school and he is walking home alone 😢

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 24/04/2024 07:37

Might be alone in this but I don't think it's a bad thing that your DS has come to an acceptance that it's a horrible environment that he just needs to get through. That is the reality for a lot of people at secondary school and there isn't much that he can do to change it.

I hope in time he finds some potential people, maybe when they all start to mature a bit.

SprainedBum · 24/04/2024 07:37

Does he want friends?

Mine is much younger at 5, but is autistic and spends his break and lunchtimes alone doing his own thing (under the watchful eye of his 1:1) but that's his preference, and how he decompresses before going back to the classroom environment which is more challenging for him.

If he does want friends, what about trying some out of school activities that are of interest to him? Hes more likely to find his tribe over a mutually enjoyed activity, whether that's chess club, circus skills, white water rafting or whatever.

Comedycook · 24/04/2024 07:37

Now at secondary, all those primary kids have stuck together

Did they all/majority go to the same secondary school? What about kids from other schools? Secondary is usually a much bigger place with a much bigger friendship pool

Original poster
CurlyCarla9 · 24/04/2024 07:36

I thought the gaming would be something they could do together but they just tell him he’s an idiot for playing fortnite and won’t give him their player names.
It’s making me want to take him out of school.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 24/04/2024 07:34

An awful lot of male friendships at secondary are built around football.

I'm surprised that the gaming is not a shared interest - that is also a very common way to bond.

What does he do outside school? Scouts/cadets etc might help with social skills and building a friendship group.

Feeltoooldtostudybutdoingitanyway · 24/04/2024 07:32

My ds doesn't have adhd- but does have a few issues related to trauma that can make him come across quite young/hyper. He really struggled socially in yr7 & yr8 and had no friends.

He's in yr9 now & has found his friendship group. The key thing for him that seemed to help was finding an outside group/hobby he enjoyed & made good friends in that, learnt social skills, regulated his enthusiasm a little & those skills slowly trickled into school situations as well. Also meant he wasn't so lonely because he could game with friends made from the hobby etc..

It feels horrible when they go through it & you're not wrong to worry & to look at what can help. Ds school had a lot of lunchtime clubs & with the head of houses help, we encouraged ds to join several, so he didn't feel as alone during the lunch hour.

Original poster
CurlyCarla9 · 24/04/2024 07:31

Savoretti · 24/04/2024 07:26

Could have written this about my ADHD son too. He went off to school ok but spent every break time alone and lunchtime went to inclusion.
It broke my heart but he was the same as your son, just got on with it.
He is now in 6th form and has finally made friends, found his people. The adhd diagnosis (only a year ago) helped him understand why he was a bit different though

Do you think it was his ADHD that caused some friendship issues?

I honestly can’t see why this is an issue within friendship groups - academically yes he struggles in certain areas but I never thought this would be a deciding factor in a friendship group 😢

Im sorry you’re son went through this - I really hope my son finds his people come sixth form.
Maybe it’s best he doesn’t go to the one based at the school or he kids will all be the same - did your son go to a separate one?

OP posts:
Savoretti · 24/04/2024 07:26

Could have written this about my ADHD son too. He went off to school ok but spent every break time alone and lunchtime went to inclusion.
It broke my heart but he was the same as your son, just got on with it.
He is now in 6th form and has finally made friends, found his people. The adhd diagnosis (only a year ago) helped him understand why he was a bit different though