AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

I also find my son seems a lot more younger/immature than others his age. Even though he’s 12 and a half, he seems more like a 9/10 year-old. I’ve read this is common with ADHD. I’m hoping things may be a little easier when he catches up maturity wise.

So similar to my now yr 9 son. He’s got ASD and was on the receiving end of some terrible bullying however things have settled down considerably and he has found great friendships. With my DS they are all mainly with girls which I realise isn’t for everyone. He’s not sporty or a gamer so had nothing in common with most boys his own age.
I agree with others that it can settle down a bit with gcse options as they switch classes etc but also doing things outside of school really helped him build his own resilience more. It’s awful though - yr 7 and 8 when he had been so excited about going to secondary school in the hope of making friends was heartbreaking for him and I. I also offered to change school, take him out to home school etc but I think the problems would have been the same elsewhere tbh and at least for mine he has older siblings at the school so knew they were “there”.

My year 7 DS is the same, also suspected ADHD (and autism)

I think he usually has somebody to sit with/be with at school but no proper friendships. He doesn’t have friends to do anything with on weekends or after school. He just spends all his time at home.

I agree that for all my kids friendships changed once they got to gcse years and the classes were all switched round.

I do agree that a lot of friendships at this age revolve around football. Does he play anything other than Fortnite? I must admit I would associate that with a younger age group and (rightly or wrongly) I would assume the other kids are more likely to be playing Call of Duty style games, again Fifa tends to be very popular but if he doesn't like football he's probably not interested in that either.

Having said that he shouldn't change his interests to fit in and I am sure there must be other kids in the year who are more like him it may just be a case of finding out where they hang out at break/lunch.

Why are you the only parent picking up/dropping off at clubs. Is he not able to make his own way there? At that age even if they need a lift to a club, a parent would be expected to just pull up outside and drop off without getting out of the car.

My son is not dissimilar but finds a lot of comfort in groups he pursues. He’s got a lot of hobbies and interests and I think these give him enough social contact. I also think his friendships will develop as everyone matures.

He is in a BMX group and a diving squad and gets on with all the kids whilst there but it’s doesn’t come to anything outside because he doesn’t feel he can ask for their numbers etc as it’s “ weird “ and I’m usually the only parent dropping or collecting to these groups so I can’t have a quick word with any of the parents!

Why is he not able to make his way to the group? He is old enough and I think you hovering probably isn't helping. I am not sure anyone will want to hang out with a kid who is being followed by his mum. Approaching other parents at this age is also weird. If my mum told me at that age that another mum asked me to make friends with their kid, the most likely outcome would be an eye roll.
I am autistic and I didn't and still don't have much in a way of friends. It is fine. I picked up pretty high quality people along the way who understand my quirks and are solid friendships. I don't need hundreds of friends. I am quite happy with 3-4 that I have.

Can I ask how much he struggles academically?

The reason I ask is that at my school we run a nurture group for students who are very academically behind. It's only about 10-15 students and mostly students with EHCPs.

They are in main lessons for PE, art, etc but for maths, English etc they are separated out.

The students in the nurture group generally
make friends with other students in the nurture group, or other SEND kids in the inclusion room at break or lunch.

Some students from the nurture group want to be friends with the "mainstream" kids. It rarely works out as the mainstream kids are all gaining independence and moving into teenage mode - WhatsApp and meeting in town and hanging around in groups and going to football training together and dick pics and porn - whereas the nurture group students are often in "child" mode until a lot later.

Teens in mainstream often don't want to be associated with anything that might be thought babyish and so they aren't going to want to play Fortnite with him.

Is there an inclusion zone where he can hang around at break and lunch? Or does he not want to be associated with them?

At our school there is a competitive Lego club, chess club and some excellent music groups. Has he tried everything available? It might be that he needs to walk away from those neurotypical ‘popular’ boys and accept that group isn’t him right now. Hard when they all want to be part of a tribe

Mine struggled in primary but found his group by 11/12, more or less, and at16 is fine and staying on for 6th form.

At 14 he is likely to be in subject sets or moved around, and that should give him a chance to develop a friendship. Mine has some different friends as a result of that.

I wouldn’t rush to change schools unless he really wants to, as he’ll be the new kid coming in and I don’t think that is easy either.

But I would definitely think a different 6th form or college would be good as many others will be new.

This sounds so like my son. He is y9, has ADHD, and also has no real friends. He spends lunchtime in the library writing stories on the computer.

He sometimes gets upset about it and asks to move school but I think he would find the same issues elsewhere and he has amazing pastoral support at his school.

His ADHD is mostly inattentive and he definitely doesn't play rough. In fact, he's not sporty at all (which doesn't help).

He doesn't seem to understand how friendships work and I'm trying to help with that.

He has joined explorer scouts which I read about on here and which has been very positive though hasn't produced any friendships outside of group.

I'm hoping that a mix up of classes in y10 ahead of GCSEs might help. There are also a lot more lunchtime clubs in y10 that he can go to.

Sorry, no advice, but just solidarity! I find it really hard because he gets sad about it, and also - this sounds awful but I don't mean it to - I have to entertain him all the time. Weekends and school holidays are all on me - or he just stares at his phone for hours. Luckily I work for myself so I can juggle things but it's tricky to come up with activities suitable for a 14-year-old and his knackered mum!

Years 7 and 8 are the WORST for pupils excluding others and friendship problems. Does your school have a drama or other club he could join?
If it’s any comfort, it usually settles down in year 9 when they choose their GCSE options as predetermined groups are broken up and you’re sitting next to the same person for a lot of subjects. Could you take a group of boys out for his birthday or something?

Fortnite is seen as for younger kids.

The popular kids at secondary will not admit to playing it even if they do.

Diving etc will be very structured and hard to make friends through

Try cadets/scouts/woodcraft folk etc.

How is he at sports?

It's horrible for you I know but he will find his tribe I'm sure xxx

Lots of people won’t agree with me but I’m not prepared to accept school as a horrible experience that has to be survived, for my dc, and I would (and have) remove him if he’s very unhappy.

Are there any youth clubs etc specifically for neurodivergent children local to you? Is home education a possibility for you?

I think this is quite common. The main thing is how he feels about it. Sometimes being in the group but low down the pecking order isn’t much fun either! Perhaps try a new hobby for him to meet people

I have no experience yet of senior school but nobody likes the kid with adhd in my sons class because all he wants to do is play rough.

He also tries to isolate my son from other friends.

I don't think any of these things are related to his adhd.

Your son will find his people OP. It took me till year 9 when we'd had a year of the forms mixing in classes.

He needs to try something out of school. How about cadets? It’s very structured. DS went and really loved it, no ND but some kids there definitely did plus it was a decent mix of boys and girls. It was also not that expensive and he learned a lot of skills, he actually saved someone’s life when they were choking as he took a first aid course.

Fortnite is very much played by young children, that lot will have moved on to games that are rated 18 plus probably. They may also have a different type of console so wouldn’t be able to play unless cross play.

Do you know which behaviours are impacting on him negatively in friendships?

Mine has ASD and has been the same as yours through secondary school. He's ok with it though - how does your son feel about it? That's the main thing. Mine definitely finds sixth form easier as the classes are much smaller and he is with the same people much more frequently. Is it possible he is AuDHD? Friendship struggles are so common with ASD. Alternatively he might jut not have found his tribe yet. , he might find it easier 16+ as he will be doing subjects he's more interested in with other kids who are also more into the same things.

One other thing my ND son often finds other ND people easier, the person he gets on best at school with currently is dyslexic.