AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to say it's a horrible environment that he just needs to get through. Nobody should be forced day after day to go somewhere that they’re bullied (yes, being excluded is a form of bullying and it’s horrible).

If you say this then you’ve never experienced it yourself. The deep sadness and depression that you constantly feel. The nausea and panic when it’s time to go. The crushing self hatred that becomes ingrained in you because everyone hates you and everyone can’t be wrong. You learn that you have no control over your life and you can’t escape from bad situations, and you carry that helplessness with you into adult life.

It’s 30 years since I was in that situation. I still have a panic attack if I hear a sound like the alarm that woke me up for school. I’m still having therapy to deal with the issues it caused. Please don’t inflict this on your child.

Friendships are so difficult - when it's impossible to manufacture them. Even if you get a kid and the teacher specifically instructs them to sit next to, work with, and be nice to X, and the kid does all that, it still won't make them become friends. And you can instruct X to smile and make eye contact, to ask questions about how other kids have spent their weekends, to wear whatever the most mainstream and popular trainers and hoodie are, to play the same games and listen to the same music, but you still can't make other kids gel with that and become their friend if that spark isn't there. And unfortunately someone desperate to be friends with you is the most off-putting thing.

You can only try to set out the best possible circumstances for friendships to arise, keep your options open, and challenge anything that strays fully into bullying.

Is his school oversubscribed? If not, I would ask him to try another school on the basis that he could return to his present school if it is not working out.

Sometimes it really is the school which is the problem and I agree with the poster above that the school years (when DC begin to be formed as adults) are not simply there to be endured. Having a miserable, lonely adolescence can have long-lasting effects.

My year 10 boy sounds very similar. He had a couple of friends as such who he would game with but nobody to play out with or anyone he would invite to a birthday party or such.

Year 9 came around he got a good handful of gamer mates, not Fortnite though that’s just for messing around on. He also became flooded and I mean Inundated with female friends. Calling him all hours, wanting to meet up, invited to parties, then coming around here. His bestie who’s actually homeschooled these days can ring him at 5pm and left to their own devices would be on the phone gaming still come 2/3am.

His friends are all quite into gaming and coding and don’t get dragged into school drama or politics. School is head down and get it done all in the higher to top sets and then they let lose on gaming.

He will find his tribe just it can take longer for some than others.

My y8 autistic son has no friends- certainly none that he's put a number into his phone although he does talk to some people in school. He's not socially motivated though so at least that's more on his terms.

His school teaches in tutor goups in y7 &8 (with slight weighting of banding but not as rigid as sets) so I'm hoping that GCSEs in y9 and setting helps put some more compatible humans on his radar. Also at about 14, the opposite sex tends to become more approachable as friends.

Even though extra curriculars haven't generated friendships, it's still helpful to have that wider social context.

DS tends to find it easier to talk to people who are either younger or older where a match of social maturity isn't expected. He can cope with nuturing younger children or calmer, more mature company.

This - and the quieter perhaps more ‘nerdy’ ones might well be in higher sets. Mine is top set for maths, sciences and English. I think that’s what has saved him from the football dominant group - there are other nerdy boys in the top sets. His older brother was in a low set for English- but he loves football so it was ok for him.

I think having children who need support academically and socially in the lower sets, which are not SEN groups, is very hard. Is it worth talking to the school about whether he’s in the right sets for him, all things considered? If he’s stuck with COD gamers and football fans he might not find boys with similar interests.

However, once he is in option groups etc in Y10 this might change for the better- certainly improved things for my DS2.

Hi op I get you. I have a year 8 dd who has been off school since October due to severe anxiety and agoraphobia and her anxiety was made much worse when starting year 8 and her best friend from reception turned on her and made new friends. They were so close it broke my heart but dd has said she’s not interested in making new friends as doesn’t really like people 😳 she was diagnosed with ASD in November after a long delay due to Covid.

my ds is now 21, he also has ASD and we now suspect ADHD which I’ve got. He was bullied horrifically when he started his new secondary school and I removed him in the April of year 7 and mine schools. It was the best decision we made. He has a large group of amazing friends who all accept him totally, he made much more stronger friendships when starting GCSE’s due to smaller groups and shared interests. He is much more sociable than dd though.

my ds and 4 of his friends were on Fortnite last night for several hours though they do also play FIFA. I know you said he doesn’t want to move schools but sometimes a fresh slate is what is needed and kids will see him for the lovely lad that he is 😘

My son is similar. No real friends in school. Hes y11 now. He muddled along ok until this year when he’s started being picked on.
he does a sport though and he has friends through that, but they mostly live a fair distance away.
I just try and make sure he knows it’s not that important in the long run and he will have so many more opportunities through life to meet his people

My DD hates change, and one of the biggest mistakes I've made was not changing her music teacher, who was not a good match for her - I suggested it but she didn't want to. I should just have done it - by the time she did change, the damage was done.

So if you have reason to think that another school would be better, it might be worth overriding his not wanting change.

It may not necessarily be anything to do with his ADHD as my son has ASD and has a great friend group so I wouldn't keep that particular thought as the sole reason. I think as others have said, maybe he just needs to find his people with similar interests. Unfortunately at their age (my son is yr 8) football and football related video games are a big thing seemingly. Sometimes even finding one person with a commonality can be an in road to a bigger group. Is there possibly one kid he might feel comfortable chatting to and is approachable?

I hope things look up for him xx

If a bunch of popular kids are picking on him than they're the problem. Not him. Instead of offering him social skills training - which implies his social skills are at fault - there should be a focus on improving their social skills.

Both of my DC struggled with friendships, particularly at Secondary. They weren't invited to the birthdays and meet ups which inevitably brings those existing groups closer together. However, ours start GCSE courses in Y9 and this led to both of them finding their friendship groups. I never thought it would happen, particularly for the youngest, I used to cry myself silly over it because he was so lonely. Hang in there. The eldest is out all the time now, the youngest still not so much but I'm comfortable he has friends now. He is NT but one of his friendship group has Autism, it's no big deal woth the other boys. But they both play Fortnite (and Minecraft!) at age 14 and 15 so there's definitely hope. I tried really hard not to make it obvious I was worried - no keep asking "did you play with anyone today" etc. Good luck OP.

@CurlyCarla9 - my DH was similar- I’m sure he has ASD but never diagnosed as it’s “not too bad” if that makes sense. He is very picky about every and very fixed in his ideas so other kids used to annoy him over things that were just kids stuff. He had a few friends now that he made in his 20s (shared love of cars) but they are all now getting girlfriends, moving in together etc so don’t always want to go out at the weekend. My son (now mid 20s) has never had a girlfriend and is too shy to speak to them.

I felt /still feel a bit sad that he is missing out but he seems happy in himself. Hopefully your DS does too?

In that case there must be some other boys who are not into football and are more on the periphery. I'm wondering if he's just more aware of the popular football lad types because they're the more dominant group.

I think he will find his people. I think first step would be to send a note via the instructors of his outside clubs to set up a social get together or something with a few of the kids there. I survived secondary on outside-school friends.

You sound fab. Your support and unconditional acceptance of who he is will be invaluable to your ds, I’m sure.

I home Ed two of mine. I was thinking more of getting him involved in the home Ed community, to make friends, home Ed kids are often much more accepting of diversity.

We briefly did an online school and you’re right, it was isolating.

Is his school a small school op?