AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

Church youth group has been fab for my son, so welcoming and it doesn't matter that we aren't religious

It sounds like he has a ‘reputation’ and other children are just joining in the ostracism of him, either to be nasty or because they see other children excluding him so are put off approaching him.

Could you persuade him to move schools? Perhaps starting afresh without a reputation would give him a better chance to make friends. He can’t be alone. There must be other boys like him out there. He just has to have a chance to find them. A fresh start might help.

Could it be that a move from primary school friends would help? They're not his tribe and it sounds like he needs to forget about them.

My DD was ostracised by her primary school friends in year 7. It was a very lonely period for her and had a hugely negative effect on our family for months. She was completely alone in form and refused to join any clubs to try to meet more people. A few months into year 8 the situation was no better but she was adamant she didn't want to change school or move form. We could see that her mental health was deteriorating and we made the decision that she had to move form and we spoke to the school.

She was really nervous about doing it but it's definitely worked out for the best. It took a few months, but she eventually developed friendships with a couple of the other quiet girls in her new form. She'd never have made friends with them without the form switch.

DD had also developed quite bad social anxiety and felt that she couldn't speak to children her age, so we got her some therapy (privately) in mid year 8. This was amazing at building her confidence back up after the isolation in years 7 & 8. Therapy and moving form were the best things we ever did. She's like a different person.

If I were you, I would seriously consider pushing for at least form move where there might be other children who are similarly isolated before your DS's sense of self is permanently damaged.

Good luck.

Is there a science or stem club at his school? I run ours and the kids that go there are the loveliest in the school. They also tend to be quieter and very accepting of each other. There are a few who come along because they struggle socially and are just looking to have somewhere to go.

I had no friend in year 8. I clung on to whoever I had sat next in the previous lesson for break times.
In years 9-11 I had a steady group of acquaintances who I did the same subjects as. I never saw them out of school I had a crippling anxiety of asking my parents if I could go out after school. I had a lot of responsibility in the home too and I didn't want to have to pass my jobs on to others
I started my a levels and made good friendships with the other science a level students.
I then went to uni and I had 2 friends and my boyfriend now husband. I had more acquaintance by never saw them outside of lectures.
I did a year in industry and had acquaintances
I did a PhD and had a good friendship group of people my partner knew and 1 good friend I met on my own. I had a group of good acquaintances - drinks after work but I wouldn't meet them on a Saturday
I moved at work I have mostly good acquaintances and 2 people I have contact with outside of work.
I had a baby and did NCT hoping for friends out of 7 mums I had 2 friends and 2 acquaintances. I make arrangements to see the friends and a get on well with the acquaintances when we are at mutual events but I wouldn't contact them separately

I have a friend from my a levels who comes in and out of my life as we randomly find ourselves in the same places.

I have learnt I'm a really good acquaintance but I struggle with friendship. 2 I can manage but that's it. I have bipolar and that can be a lot and mean it's hard to keep friendships whilst trying to manage something that others wouldn't necessarily understand. I find it much easier when there is a common interest. My PhD and work stand out as a time when friends has been easier to build both involve lots of science and found myself with people that had similar interests and views of the world. At school or in the NCT group where the only reason you are in the same room is because your parents or you had sex and made a baby at the same time and in the same rough geographical location as another person that I find harder.

This. It's not character-forming. Personally I think it's achievement-limiting - having to expend so much energy planning to avoid, enduring and trying to rationalise intensely stressful and isolating situations reduces a child's capacity for learning and trying out new things. That's why I'd be looking at alternative schools.

Ignore if this isn’t your thing OP but would he consider a church youth group? You don’t have to be religious and the volunteers there are usually very supportive of youngsters who are new and on their own. He could make a new group of friends outside of school. Some of these friendships might even overlap with school.

Can you pick apart exactly what is 'wrong' - and write it down really clearly to help think about it

so - 1. is he being bullied? It does sound like this might be the case.

do other children find him annoying? Can you ask yourself this honestly (this can be a neurodiverse trait ie. not reading the room, being inapprorpriate or annoying etc) -

Does he actually want friends? Does he want to be in the park but nobody asks him ??? Or does he not want to be in the park but feels lonely without an alternative? its quite a big difference.

What would his ideal play date / hang out situation be? what was it when younger?

Somewhere in your town / city there will be other neurodiverse kids / or kids who just like what he likes - the key is to find them.

I think boys like this need to find other boys like them. The school obviously cannot tell you who else has ADHD etc but you can ask informally for them to be put in small inclusion groups centred around hobbies/clubs. At DS’ grammar they ran them for chess, history, maths, computer game strategy(!), also lots of those types of boys loved orchestras and rock bands.

When I look back, all the friends I had at school were the other girls with ASD, just none of us were diagnosed as it was the 80s.

Could you persuade him to clubs that are likely to attract other ASD/ADHD boys outside of school?

Honestly though it took until 6th form to find my people when we were in much smaller groups and only doing subjects we liked.

I wonder if he needs a capable and objective adult to observe his interactions with peers and see if there are any strategies he could be helped with.

The bit YABU about is that your DH is right - high school is mostly a hellscape to be endured. There are a handful of children in each year group that sail through but for the rest it’s pressure, friendship issues, puberty, angst and acne.

It is heartbreaking when your amazing, lovely child is hurt, overlooked or bullied. I could barely stand it, I wanted to bulldoze in and fix everything. But I couldn’t.

Concentrating on making home a safe, relaxing and nurturing space was about all I could do. And to let him know he could call home and my network of resources should he need them.

It’s awful, it’s painful, but it will pass. You’re deep into the worst bit right now. Take heart that it will get better.

I was thinking similar, but honestly, at the same time it’s hard not to wonder if he’s inadvertently doing something to put people off. He’s not managed to make a friend at primary, or with all of the play dates set up by his mum, or any of the kids in secondary school, or any online gamers (if you asked my 7yo dc who is his best friend, he’ll tell you Christian from America who he met on his oculus on Xmas day. They play most days now. And mums already listed the extracurricular activities he’s in. Is he unbelievably shy op? I know it can be hard for some kids, but all he needs to do is make the first move sometimes. If he’s stood there feeling anxious to the point he’s subconsciously snarling at people to leave him alone, then no one’s gonna approach him

I wonder if its possible to learn to make friends, if there are books or youtube videos for kids? When I was a kid I had no idea, I used to ask the same questions over again and just talk about random things. I read some books as an adult and I'm better at it now.

This is so sad, and selfishly a major worry of mine for my DS (who is year 6 and whilst he isn't diagnosed, he isn't your "average" boy. I am worried he'll be eaten alive in September!!)

What are your son's interests?
Does he have any friends outside of school? Any cousins or relatives of a similar age?
Does he mind being alone at break and lunch times? What does he do? Are there any lunch time clubs?

The "picking on" and nastiness is utterly abhorrent and the fact it's perpetuated by kids he knows is horrible. I would be up the schools arse about this.

But in the meantime I'd be making his non school life as nice as possible - plan things he enjoys for evenings and weekends and holidays. I'd offer lots of support, positivity and encouragement for anything he enjoys outside of school and any extracurricular stuff he takes an interest in.

Would he move form? My son is year 11 but at the end of year 9 we were going to move schools but we were able to move his form and it made a massive difference to him.

This sounds like bullying op

Im amazed at the comments saying he should accept school as an awful experience.

So. Putting the gaming aside...does he actually want to go to the park with other kids?

Have school done enough to help him meet lile minded children

are there other smaller schools locally ? Cld u pay for a private school ?

Does he have autistic traits? Autism.and adhd are v commonly linked. That might cause the social struggles

My DS is 15 (yr 10), suspected ASD/ADHD (awaiting referral) and struggles socially. He does have friends, but they don't meet up outside of school so he really only has me and his Dad

He's not sporty either, lots of interests but nothing that he could join a club for etc.

I'd advise you try different hobby groups with him so he can find friends in or out of school. Try everything for a bit, drama, swimming, art etc until there's one he can stand. Both evening and holidays. Having friend even from another school will help build his self esteem. Can you try clubs out of area. If you're being bullied it's easier to make friends in a place where no one knows you.

Is your son reluctant to make friends because of the insincerity of the friendships?

I'm ND and whilst I'm polite and friendly I do not get involved in some relationships at work or sports because of the insincerity of some people. I've been able to spot it since very small and it repulses me.

As such I'd choose no friendships over unstable or unpleasant ones and this seems to be quite unusual.

As an adult (and to a latter extent at school) I have very close and trustworthy friends. People I would hide the body with/for!

Having a network outside of school was very important to me but there was an element of waiting out school because it was so unpleasant. Being a grown up is much, much better!

It definitely got better throughout school as I found my tribe. Same happened at the school gates as a parent, was surprised to see lots of deeply insecure people around not having changed much from their teenage years. I don't want to make others feel worse so I can feel better about myself or join in petty games. But it was much easier as an adult to navigate, mainly because as I've got plenty of social capital these days!

Sending hugs. My Year 8 son has no friends either. I hope he finds his people as he gets older.

Looking back, I was very happy in my own company when I was his age. I never socialised outside of school - ever. At school I did have friends, but even then I didn’t really feel valued or enjoy anyone’s company much.

By Year 11 I was extremely confident and secure in myself. I could comfortably do a presentation in front of the class or outwit one of the popular kids easily. I also did GCSE drama. I hope that same confidence comes to my DS as he gets older.

My ten year old is like this and I can't see it improving. It's so hard and I can only send empathy sorry. We just have to support them through it and hope they find their tribe as others suggest.

My ds (Y8) goes to an autism youth group and he really likes it, it's the only club he's ever stuck with for more than about half a term. Ours has a parents room so you can stay and they know you're nearby. The first time he went he commented how much nicer it was than mixing with the kids in school, because he understood their brains better and it was less judgemental.

He's since made friends with some other quirky kids in school, but having watched him go through primary with only one 'friend' (who wasn't the best match for him but was another boy who was left out), I feel your pain op.

No advice OP, sorry. Only to say that my son was similar. Like you I used to basically try to "buy" friends for him by taking other kids out for the day and paying for everything. Sure they'd come along for the fun but they never bonded with my son. In fact they'd even make fun of him in front of me, whilst I was digging into my purse to pay for their entertainment.

Kids instinctively pick up on anyone different. It's the pack mentality and they don't want to hang out with a child who is even slightly divergent. Even if they quite like the child in question, they are still scared of being outcast themselves through association.

It is bloody heartbreaking and you have my sympathy.