To be disappointed about the book?

My kids are pre-teens still so I am having to imagine how I’d feel. I think I’d feel like I’d rather they spent £2.50 on me than a tenner. I’d probably not be arsed if they didn’t get me anything. I know my value and I think I’d feel like I’d rather they kept their money for themselves and their own needs and wants.

I've read your posts (on this thread only) and some of the other pps posts.

Your point is interesting. I've always bought my family/friends interesting gifts that I took time to research, source etc. Quite necessary for antique/vintage items. So it was clear these were 2nd hand/used. I then do stocking filler type gifts (eg chocolates etc referenced several times on this thread). For the last few years my mum has moaned (about anything) - so I buy too much/my sibling buys the wrong type of book. (She only reads a certain genre). For her recent birthday - old one, not a big one - I bought a couple of items but also a book of local interest. She is fussy about non-genre books so I was not going to buy it new @£18-20. Potentially in the charity shop bag in minutes. Local charity shops all out - eventually I sourced it privately. I was clear it was 2nd hand - she has it by a table so is possibly reading it. I took bags of books to the charity shop this weekend - including all of the books that my sibling (had tried very hard) to provide.

My DC is generously gifted to by family and friends. That is the pattern that they see. I'm divorced - for mothers day historically my ex's family engaged; my family didnt. So my DC would get me a card and gift when younger - sourced by my ex. Now DC are older they dont bother with me, but do with my ex because "he will have a strop Mum if we dont". I'm not as OK with that attitude as I might have hoped to be.

With friends now I am of an age where it is a treat (lunch/dinner) or consumables. Great friends but we are all reducing our items.

So I sympathise a lot with not feeling valued. That's hard and its emotional. Perhaps a conversation with your DD about why that book. Maybe she is remembering a happy time/conversation - though it might spark a good memory.

Don't worry mum, I won't get you nothing this year! Your welcome 😉

She’s saving the planet and being sensible with her money and chose a thoughtful gift all in one. Isn’t that better? Christmas is commercial nonsense, putting people under ridiculous pressure.

Obviously with a small child, let's say around 7 or 8, any old gift is fine because you're just pleased that they've thought about you (or at least been encouraged to do so). And kids do tend to view their parents as "part of the furniture", as it were, and take them for granted - not really special, not requiring any special acknowledgement, just there to help and support in the background.

But surely there comes a point at which parents and children transition to a more "equal" relationship and children acknowledge their parents as full human beings with opinions and preferences, not just annoying support staff.

I once had a boyfriend who used to buy his parents any old tat - usually pet-themed and cringe-worthy - for their birthdays. The parents would pretend to like it and say how sweet it was, but none of the stuff was ever used. He wasn't mean but put almost zero thought into it - 5 minutes on Amazon on the train home from work and £200 of gift-wrapped crap would be on the way to his parents. He never wrapped anything or wrote a card. But then they infantilised him generally (did his washing, waited on him hand and foot) and it was obvious he'd never been encouraged to think that other people's preferences were something that should be given much thought. It seemed poetic justice, if a bit wasteful, to me that they should therefore be subjected to a lifetime of cat-shaped pillboxes and awful patterned scarves!

I remember one Christmas as a teenager, after buying gifts for my friends, I o ly had enough left over to buy my mum a box of Matchmakers. She was absolutely disgusted with me. I made sure I didn’t make that mistake the following year.

Buying and sending gifts and cards is often a chore when you're an adult, but you do it to let the recipient know that you value them and because you want to treat them.

By the time you're an adult, it's not necessary to enjoy choosing and buying gifts/cards, although of course a bonus if you do. Rather like how some of us enjoy cleaning or doing the grocery shopping, and some really don't.

Was it Black Beauty?

The problem with you asking for a card is that it can turn it into a chore, rather than something she wants to do for you. I love shopping for my mum, but I know she'll appreciate anything, be it a generic pot plant or a trip to Champneys. She wouldn't care if I didn't or couldn't do something one year. The same way I won't when my DD is old enough to do it for herself.

But what is happening at the moment is her dad (DH) is making it fun for her to go out and find things her mummy will like. It's not seen as a thing she has to do so as not to upset mummy.

I'm with you, OP. I'd be really hurt if my child gave me only a charity shop find. Unless it was a book you really wanted and she cleverly happened across it.? My DS, 25 who still lives at home bought me a generic mothers day pot plant and no card, even though I asked for one. I think it was upsetting because no thought had gone into it. It's the one time when out kids can give a bit back and show appreciation for everything we do.
What did your daughter buy the other members of the family??

It could also be seen as a “this is how much I think you’re worth” offering.

Honestly you just sound a bit grabby and entitled. She has a better salary than you, doesn't mean you're entitled to her spending it on you. You usually buy books from charity shops and have likely passed that kind of "green" thinking onto her so she's thought "I'll get mum a book" and gone to where you usually get books from.

Gifts are about the thought, not the £ amount spent. In our house we often wait til after an event and then buy the chocolate or whatever half price in the post-event sale, because why would we spend double? Not a single one of us would be bothered about that.

Honestly the bar for how other people can treat women/mothers is so low it's on the ground.

Most pertinent thing to let people know about your daughters situation in relation to the level of gift she gave you is you had a massive falling out and weren’t talking over politics and your differences in opinions. So this gift could be seen as a peace offering

With 4 children, 3 of which never gift, I'd be delighted with any gift.

I think context is everything here. Is OPs daughter going out every weekend, splashing money on nights out and clothes. If so OP is probably fair yo be a bit miffed. If OPs daughter is struggling financially then it's a bit unreasonable. OP hadn't given enough info for us to judge.

I think a book is a lovely gift. What a smart daughter you have to have found such a thrifty present. It's a breath of fresh air to receive something that isn't a pointless waste of cash.

My daughter has given me IOU tokens a lot of the time as she struggling financially. Now she is on a bit more of an even keel I wouldn't dream of 'cashing' in those tokens. She does other stuff like if I go see her and want to take her to lunch she insists on paying. She writes me daft notes and draws me random pictures. Or if she sees something she thinks I will like she buys it. I always love my little gifts even if from a charity shop. Have you read the book? Could it be a nook that resonates with her about her childhood or about you? There could be a good reason she bought it

Lots of posters are saying that they would be happy with a charity shop present, but that doesn't seem to be OP's issue. She could see from the condition it wasn't new. She didn't comment on it being 2nd hand, she specifically noted the amount it cost. She was upset that her daughter spent such a paltry amount on her and was being a cheapskate. And it sounds like it made OP feel undervalued and a bit crap

Other posters have remarked there are issues in their relationship.

I'd be happy with charity shop books (or whatever) as gifts, but I understand where OP is coming from.

@LenaLamont OP was clearly underwhelmed by the gift when she received it but must have thought her daughter had a reason for choosing it but the price confirmed that it was just a cheap shabby second hand book and she naturally feels hurt and disrespected.

@pollymere

but OP’s daughter doesn’t have disabilities.

Why should Op be “grateful ” that her daughters cares about her? She should care about her, she’s her mother! Op doesn’t have to be grateful for that.

@Floralnomad - OP was only upset about the book when she saw the price. She'd had it for 4 months without comment to that point.

@LenaLamont the point being it was a book on a subject your child knew you would like and were interested in so totally different to the OP .

@CactusMactus

Proud of her for buying her mother a gift? The absolute bare minimum? Why be proud of that? Perhaps we need to raise our standards of our young people