To be disappointed about the book?

By the sounds of the back story, there's a reason for that. Respect also needs to be earned, as I said.

Its a shit present OP and she is being tight. If she found a book she wanted you to have for that cheap then she should have thrown in a scarf or a voucher or something. I'd be very disappointed.

The OP isn't asking to be worshipped. Just shown the basics of respect. I bet the daughter treats her friends better then her mother.

It isn’t about her parenting. She is GC and her daughter is fervently opposed to her views - according to other threads. I admittedly skimmed so not sure if I have this correct.

Maybe your daughter - knowing that you are environmentally friendly - had wanted to respect that? She would (I assume) have picked a book that she thought you would enjoy that she maybe just happened to come across. Perhaps her reasoning is that you'd have appreciated the thought that it was a pre-loved book, with the thought that perhaps you'd also want to then pass the book on back to a friend or charity shop (this bit is obviously just conjecture on my part, as only she knows for sure).

Can you be honest with yourself as to your reasons for your disappointment - is it literally how much she spent on it? What about if she had picked the same book but bought new for 5x(+) the amount? Like literally, would you have been completely happy and appreciated the book more if you didn't know how much it had cost and you'd assumed it was new?

I honestly do not think the competition between what you spent on her, vs what she spent on you is a healthy dynamic at all. I have little income and even less disposable income, and those closest to me (who would be the people who id exchange gifts with) make up completely different financial situations as each other. I have had 2nd hand items - whether that be books, vinyls, etc - that very clearly are at least second hand but were chosen simply because they happened to come across them and knew that I'd like them. In the same vein - and from the same people - I could also get much more expensive gifts alongside the cheaper ones, again because these were just chosen because they knew I'd love them. Honestly makes no difference to me, and nor does it to anyone else when vice versa. I am aware I have the least income, s are they, but I'd still never expect - or put - a financial price or tally on who spent what etc. finally, you are the parent and I guess you - and your daughter - are much used to the lifetime dynamic of a parent/child gift giving pattern. I still try hard to do as much as I can for birthdays, Xmases etc for my adult child and have no expectations re reciprocity, Altho they are also very similar themselves as in they love to give gifts for the pleasure of knowing, and finding, that "thing" that you immediately know is perfect for them. It has nothing to do with cost/value. Same is true for my relationship. I just don't know why you'd only see the negatives in this? It's odd. Had you not seen that price I'm betting you'd have been completely satisfied with it. That extra tenner makes no difference to the contents of the book, or the intent of the giver. I do wonder if there's just something else going on...

But then why should we not be grateful? If the relationship is mostly good?

But then the reverse is also true

You birthed them, you did the best you could as a parent.

And then they turn out to be not very nice people

The way I think of it is that just because you birthed them, doesn't make you entitled to them feeling or behaving a certain way towards you. You still have to earn that relationship the same way you do any other one. You don't see a person in the street and immediately you both love and respect one another. That takes time, bonding, effort. And there's mistakes. That's how humans work.

Yes, it would be lovely if every child just utterly worshipped every parent, and vice versa, but that's not the world. And it's not how humans work.

Why do some women on here seem to think you have to fall over yourself with gratitude for your offspring even acknowledging your existence??

it’s weird

internalised misogyny maybe?

To be honest I think that makes the whole thing even worse.

OK the dd is making a point by giving her mother a token shitty present for Christmas- she's entitled to do that however passive aggressive it comes across - but at the same time she's happily accepted a nice expensive present from the mother she's not speaking to.

Its hardly having the courage of your convictions, is it?

My family would be appalled if someone had bought them something costing 4x what they could have got it for, just to "prove" they value them. Because money is hard earned and shouldn't be frittered. We value each other plenty and we show it it so many ways. We just don't equate money with a person's worth.

I do not understand the people who value money spent over the intention.

Also, don't know if you've read everything else, but there is a back story OP hasn't mentioned where her daughter went NC with her for a while due to a falling out. So the intention may well have been "I bought something so you wouldn't whinges but I don't value you anymore because of reasons".

But you go ahead and continue judging how much you're worth based on money and material possessions. Definitely healthier than my families way 🙄

I think it really depends on context here. It’s entirely possible she’s been a thoughtless cheapskate, or it’s also possible that she’s struggling and did her best. None of us can know which is the case.

Personally, I couldn’t get an £2.50 present for my mum and not feel very selfish and greedy. My mum always gets me presents for Xmas and birthday and I like to return the favour and find things she’ll like. She’s not bothered how much I spend, or even if she gets anything, but I enjoy finding nice presents for her, and I’m fortunate to be able to afford to do that.

No, she sounds like someone who is hurt by her daughter's lack of effort or thought.

Your family on the other hand... well, you do you.

Her daughter is an adult. Not 12

Why assume it's the OP that's done something wrong and not assume that the daughter really isn't very nice?

One would hope, by your mid 20s, you'd consider yourself a grown-up and not still be blaming your mum or dad's parenting for your faults or inadequancies. At some point you have to own your own sh*t

If your parenting has lead to you receiving charity shop books as gifts from your daughter, good luck when it comes time to choose your nursing home!

Matter of opinion. Isn't it?
A piece of cardboard - um I see.
You are being deliberately obtuse.
Off you go with your amazing sense of humour - you know - hahaha.

I only mentioned it as PP had brought it up - I know MN is a bit funny about it being not ok to mention other posts (I’m autistic so find it all a bit confusing!)

But yes. Use advanced search and just put the OP’s name in. You have to click on advanced search to see them - I couldn’t find what PP we’re talking about at first but it’s all there. I’m referencing in particular the post where OP describes the fact her DD had basically gone NC with her and DD had not even sent a birthday card to OP.

The fact that in October last year the DD was refusing to have anything to do with OP probably has a huge bearing on her giving OP a shitty Xmas present just a month or so later….

Its a bit daft putting up this post and not mentioning the huge fallout they’d had.

"ha ha look at that mum we both bought each other dresses - okay you bought me a £90 brand new one from John Lewis and I got you a second hand Primark one costing £2.50 from the charity shop, with a stain on it, but what's the difference?"

entitled and spoilt in my book is happily accepting several brand new presents totalling £80-£90, and giving a tatty second hand present for £2.50 in exchange, but okay.

Is there? I had a look but couldn’t find what you were referring to.

@chaosmaker

Me and my partner always get charity shop books for each other especially if they are out of print and have been trying to find them.

I get the feeling OP would have been thrilled with this, a bit of thought, however it is very far from what she received - a cheap run of the mill book

I think some posters have been downright unpleasant to the OP @curiositykilledthiscat and obtuse - deliberately I assume. It was pretty clear from the first post what she meant and how she felt about it. People then seemed to get hung up on charity shop gifts, books as gifts and second hand book gifts which wasn't OP's point. She's been called grabby and entitled for thinking £2.49 wasn't much - it's not! It's pretty patheric. And the £10 that OP said she would haved liked (slightly tongue in cheek I think) is hardly extortionate either. Some people may not give presents or spend virtually nothing at Christmas, but that is hardly the norm and not something to make you more virtuous than those that don't IMO. OP and her daughter have not had this understanding (until now). As for the 'our children owe us nothing!' brigade - well that's debatable. I spend a lot on my mum because I want to, she's been a great mum, and I think I owe her a lot for her love and care bringing me up as well as providing more practical things like a decent home, education, etc. According to some on here, I'm being over generous.

I don’t understand why people are falling over themselves and overthinking to justify the daughter’s behaviour? The daughter earns more than the UK average wage (and much more than her mother), seems to have a high amount of disposable income, yet chose to spend £2.49 on a Christmas present for her mother, the mother who spent a lot more on her at Christmas. As people have said, that’s less than the price of a coffee, for fucks sake. That was shit of her daughter to do it - just call a spade a spade.

Op I think your over thinking this and you enjoyed the book.
I've got absolutely no issues with second hand stuff at all.
I wouldn't add up what I spend on my dc either compared to what they send on me.
They are our children, they didn't ask to be brought into thud world and they owe us no favours.

Having said that, I would be a teeny bit hurt myself! Especially if child was earning good money but unfortunately often young people don't think...

Some people do seem crap with presents. My dc are only young but the difference between the two! My younger one 10, loves buying gifts and immediately gets thoughtful gifts (via us either in shop or amazon), absolutely nothing expensive at all but she got me a very thoughtful little gift for 5 pounds for Xmas.
The other one! She doesn't plan bday gifts doe anyone, not even her friends! She'll say feebly at the very last minute mum can you run me to fhe shops!

So op I would feel hurt however, maybe shes not good at gifts and.... As I Saif don't add up what you spend on her it's natural for parents to splash out more on their dc