To be disappointed about the book?

This literally doesn't matter! It's really, really strange to be obsessing so much over her budget. 2 wages of 40k can leave young people still in a financially insecure position if they're hoping to buy their own home or have kids at any stage, or if they are in any one of hundreds of other situations which you may not be aware of.

Besides that, even if they do have spare money, it's up to them how much they spend on gifts. It's also up to you how much you spend. I know plenty of lovely, kind people who don't really do presents for other adults for financial and non-financial reasons.

She got you a present that you say you enjoyed. It's not about the book. If you're upset about your relationship with your daughter, work on that.

I didn't agree with all my mother's views or some of the decisions she took during my childhood. But as a young adult woman I understood what she'd given up in order to raise me as well as she did and turn me into a woman with my own opinions capable of having a life of my own. Over the years we had periods when we got on well and others when we didn't, but I would never have given her a passive-aggressive gift that basically told her that I valued her as much as a tatty charity shop paperback. Because regardless of how well we were getting on at any given time, I recognised her as a hard-working woman who'd given me life, her time, energy and patience. My intelligence, my social skills, my ability with words, my ability to work hard, bake a decent cake, change a car tyre, grow my own veg — all down to her. And so even when we didn't like each other much, I acknowledged all she'd given me and tried to reflect that in the gifts I chose for her. It's called respect. I always respected my mum, even if I didn't always like her.

The number of women on here who appear not to expect their adult children to exhibit even a baseline of respect saddens me deeply.

Maybe if it was perfume or something but the price of a book doesn’t really matter tbh

No. But there are ways of saying things that mean it's a discussion rather than an argument. And also, sometimes, you just need to know when to keep your views to yourself because they're unlikely to be shared by a younger generation.

Did you agree with all of your mother's views? And did you fall out over it to the point of NC or manage to discuss like rational adults?

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

so you’re going to just agree with everything and anything your offspring say and do then forever so as not to risk falling out with them? Doesn’t sound like a great relationship tbh

Not necessarily. It may have been intended as an olive branch, but she was unsure how it would be received, or unsure whether she actually wanted to give something, or she simply thought her mother would like the book and has never cared about it being a NEW book in the past.

We don't know the daughters intentions, so we can't say what is true there.

The thing is- there's no 'right' amount for someone to spend. Presents are communication, and the communication here is, I'm still in touch with you, but I'm still cross.

I don't think this needs a large amount of thinking about, it's not a generous gift, in a different context, it could be a quick or thoughtful gift- in the context of falling out it's a 'I want contact but I'm still upset' message.

GC/trans has been a massive issue in our household and I chose not to talk about it as a consequence, as one child found it very upsetting. Over time, this has mellowed and everyone is now polite around it even though we don't all agree, as with many issues, political ones anyway.

Respect and buying gifts aren't compulsory, they come from within the relationship, there's no point in overthinking this gift- one was given, it was in the context of a stressful relationship, it's over. Move on and think about how you want things to be in the future (and in general, having relatively generous interpretations works best unless you want to pick fights). No need to grovel or thank profusely though.

In which case we can agree that that both of these can be true things: OP's daughter is a cheapskate or prone to petty, passive-aggressive gestures.

Derailing the thread slightly, but both can be true things. However, again, we only know OPs version of events. The way she said things or what was actually said will always be a mystery.

Apparently she fell out with her daughter by refusing to believe people can change sex and adhering to the view that women's rights and spaces actually matter. One of my kids fell out with me for a year or so because I didn't agree open borders were a brilliant idea and that charging rent was theft. Go figure.

Or maybe we won't fall out with our children, like OP, and then be hurt that they choose to send messages they feel appropriate for their relationship?

Single income, living outside of the family home. We don't know she isn'tbeing hit by CoL. Especially knowing the rental market at the moment, her rent could have shot up recently, gas/electric we all know is horrendously high. 40k a year doesn't cover as much as you think if you're the only one paying rent, council tax, water, energy etc as well as potential commuting costs. Car breakdown or some unexpected massive bill and she could be skint.

And as the relationship is strained, OP might not have all the info around how her DD is finding it financially at the moment. She may know as much as us. Appearances can also be deceiving. Her DD may not be the one paying for the dinners out etc. We do not have all her financial information and so we can't pooh-pooh the CoL being a factor.

I'm struck by all the women, like this poster, desperately trying to find an excuse to let a mean-spirited young woman off the hook. Better, if the relationship is strained, for her to be honest and not give her mother a gift at all. Gifts send messages. This one says 'Fuck you, this is how I value you'.

I hope all those of you wriggling to find excuses for this ungracious, ungrateful child experience a taste of it from your own children.

So predictable everyone saying 'but was it a good book'.

Your daughter has been mean. Sorry OP, I bet that stings.

Your daughter's a tight arse.

Most posters are dishonest virtue signallers.

Next question?

Actually, I should have written GCF Gender critical feminist - google it for a better explanation than I can give but basically it is someone who campaigns for safe spaces for women - and much more.

edited for clarity.

Single income, living outside of the family home. We don't know she isn't being hit by CoL. Especially knowing the rental market at the moment, her rent could have shot up recently, gas/electric we all know is horrendously high. 40k a year doesn't cover as much as you think if you're the only one paying rent, council tax, water, energy etc as well as potential commuting costs. Car breakdown or some unexpected massive bill and she could be skint.

And as the relationship is strained, OP might not have all the info around how her DD is finding it financially at the moment. She may know as much as us. Appearances can also be deceiving. Her DD may not be the one paying for the dinners out etc. We do not have all her financial information and so we can't pooh-pooh the CoL being a factor.

Can we please put the cost of living argument to bed, it's a red herring unless the OP's child is working in a sweat shop in Bangladesh or something, which we know she isn't. I've spent more parking my car for an hour, buying a cup of tea or giving to a random charity collection in the street. As will the vast majority of people on a weekly or monthly basis, much less those on professional salaries. Just last week I couldn't get the parking meter to take my card and a perfect stranger gave me 3 euros to pay cash because I didn't have any. So about the same as this girl spent on her own mother for Christmas. The amount is a joke and an insult unless the giver is an actual child (and one under 10 at that). It would be infinitely preferable for her to come straight out and say 'I didn't want to get you anything because I am mad with you' than this passive aggressive bullshit.

Smug and vicious. What a combination.

@newnamechange98 children who had bad parents turn into adults who choose not to 'be lovely' to those bad parents. They are also likely to have a hand in choosing the care home .

@Crispsandcola your view fails to take into account that children become adults with their own minds, so great parenting can still mean people make poor choices as an adult, 'good' parenting does not guarantee adults who are lovely to their parents.

@newnamechange98 Not a point of view, just facts.

@Crispsandcola that's an extremely naive view

Poor parenting leads to a poor relationship with your child - simples. What is GC?

I don't know. 🤷‍♀️
Maybe she's struggling with the cost of living....high rent and bills can easily use up most of a fairly decent salary after tax.
Or maybe she thought you'd appreciate that it was from a charity shop.
If all is well with the relationship otherwise I really wouldn't overthink it.