To be disappointed about the book?

I’m with you here. My DD hadn’t sent me a card on my last birthday or left one for me to open. DH had taken me off for a lovely lunch but en route I was just really fucked off about not even having a card given the effort made. I felt really ungrateful because DH was doing his best but not having a card really made me sad and put a downer on the morning.

She surprised me by meeting me at the lunch. She and DH thought it would be a lovely idea but given that I burst into tears when she arrived at the relief I mattered to them (it’s easy to feel invisible) I don’t think they’d do the same again. It wasn’t their fault, it just brought back feelings of being unworthy of attention they didn’t know I had suppressed for such a long time.

Was this the only present she gave you? Sorry, that is insulting. There is no problem giving you a bargain book but she could at least have got you some nice chocolates to go with it. You're her Mum!

We model so much selflessness as mothers. I was glad I'd also modelled that my feelings matter.
What does that even mean?
Do you tell new people in your life that you expect a minimum spend on presents?

Maybe she challenged herself to buy all gifts from a charity shop? It’s better for the planet and why spend more money then you have to, especially as she has high rent and doesn’t own a house yet. We are on a high income but often buy from charity shops because second hand is better for lots of reasons and also to save money. Idk uh rather a thoughtful mug off that cost £2.50 than something random that you don’t like for £50.

Going to go out on a limb here OP and say both that I'd be disappointed by the gift and that I'd raise it with my child.

I value celebrations - birthdays, Christmasses and the like - a lot, and put time and effort into making them nice for those around me. That includes thought and money spent on gifts. I like to know my family have put the same effort into a gift for me.

So I'd talk to her. I did this with my DS when he completely neglected my birthday. Who else will let them know they've fallen short? It wasn't an accusing 'how could you do this?' conversation . I simply said that I know he's busy but I was disappointed and a bit hurt. He looked sheepish and I like to think he'll do better next time. We model so much selflessness as mothers. I was glad I'd also modelled that my feelings matter.

I have no doubt this post will cue ridicule and scorn but I'm immune to it. I'm not asking for assessments of my action. I'm posting in case this is helpful to you OP.

@AnnaSewell i don’t think you’re wrong to feel hurt if you spoil her when you are on a low wage. She’s an adult with a good job not a 6 yr old with pocket money.

Do presents have meaning for you? My mother was a dreadful present giver- never made birthdays special for me and seemed to deliberately buy the wrong thing for Xmas. I was gracious always but it did hurt because I knew it was meant to. And I was a child. My sister did not have the same treatment. On the other hand, her birthday was cause for specific celebration with specific demands for presents.

I make a huge effort on my kids and DH’s birthday- completely over the top. I am aware I am doing it but it gives me great joy. I don’t expect anything in return except a card that says ‘mum’ on it and evidence some thought went into the gift. I wouldn’t expect the expense I choose to spend to be matched and It isn’t about money.

Was it the amount, the book choice or the fact it wasn’t new that is bothering you? Does she have a partner involved who may have influenced the value of the gift?

My daughter is only a teenager, and has a Saturday job. She'd spend more than £2.50 on my birthday!
I don't think you're wrong to be disappointed OP. You're not suggesting she should be buying anything lavish, but £2.50, especially when she's working, is a meagre amount to spend on your own mother!

I genuinely don't understand this idea to value a gift by its price.

I do see where you’re coming from, OP. Even though it was a book by your favourite author, a box of chocs to go with it would have been nice.

As you’re on a low income, you know for this year that it’s OK to spend less on your daughter at Christmas. Personally, I think £75 is a lot to spend on a grown up child giving that you’re not well off.

Why?

I know. Some people are just put materialism over sentiment though.

Dear god, another "you have to spend ££££££££££s on me at 'special' times or you don't love me" post.
Don't people realise how pathetic they sound? Why do they think the amount spent reflects esteem? So clearly insecure

If it was an out of print book that she knew you wanted and she had gone to some trouble to source a copy that would be one thing. But this is something else. Especially as she didn’t even remove the price.

Oh come on; why are women expected to value themselves so little?
If the ops daughter was struggling or a single mum fair enough, but she is on a professional salary and her mum is low paid.
Has anyone on MN literally only spent £2.49 on a present for their mum? Oncr my kids got part time jobs as teenagers they spent more than that on me.

Yes I would feel the same.

If there's was something about the book that made it special (subject matter, author, book I used to have but lost etc) then I'd love it regardless of price. But if it was just any old book the shop had in that day then yes, I think I would be hurt.

If things are otherwise good, maybe gently enquire about her finances, in a broad "is everything ok' kind of way.

I've occasionally given someone a second hand book as a gift, but I'd always mention that when giving it ("This is from a charity shop but I thought you might like it") Whilst it may not be worth dwelling on, I think it's a bit odd to give the gift in the way she has. Could it be that she doesn't really want to 'do' presents?

Love all these mums who would be happy with anything My mum makes it clear she expects expensive gifts from me - her request list is totally money orientated. I can guarantee that she will give me the cheapest thing on any list i gave her - ditto for my DS but not for golden child..... i honestly wouldn't mind if she spend some thought on the gift though but when she tries to think it just makes it clear how little she understands me.....

a second hand book could be a really thoughtful present - if its something she thought you'd like/had mentioned- my close friend gave me a charity children's book for xmas as it had memories/something we'd talked about. Was there nothing special about this book?

Maybe she is time short and had to buy something in a rush? maybe you suggest exchanging lists in the future (its not without problems but may be easier)

I think that's a crap present and would also be hurt.

I’m amazed at some of the responses on here. If it had been the OP’s DH who’d done this the responses would have been very different.

It’s an odd one , in so much as you weren’t happy £2.49 had been spent but £10 would have been ok . I’d be asking myself if something was wrong though if this deviated from normal present giving from her .

For example I spend more on our adult children than they do on me and my husband but I prefer it that way . However their presents are kind and well thought about .

If one of them gave me a second hand book , of no obvious personal connection, I would be wondering if either I had upset them , or if something was amiss with them . But , that’s because it would be such a change from our normal behaviour, which I think is the key here .

A second hand book would be an absolute no no in my family . We are extravagant gift givers and no it isn't linked to any self worth guff we just like to appreciate people and chose things they will love .

Was it Black Beauty? (Sorrryyyyyy)

I just can't imagine ever being that person who on receiving a gift from my child, no matter how much she earns compared to me, and being so pissed off I start a MN thread about it.

Obviously all relationships are different and @AnnaSewell and a few others clearly base theirs on how much money is spent on them.

What's your relationship like with her usually?

Buy her similar next year.