To be disappointed about the book?

No, the part that says I'm glad i modelled myself etc, makes no sense

I have a relative who always gives a book for Christmas.
Ok it's a good, if modest gift. However she always reads the book before wrapping it and tells me so. Often the books are from a charity shop, stickers and all. One year she bought me the same book as previous year and it wasn't even an author I liked.
She outdid herself last Christmas by giving me a book I had lent her some months earlier, (recognisable by the charity shop sticker I had paid a £1 for it many years ago).

I remember being on a 'professional wage' in my mid 20s and existing totally on credit cards, with my parent having no real idea (not that he would have been in a position to help if he did). I used to (and still did until I moved to a country that doesn't really have this concept of second-hand/charity store stuff) regularly gift from charity shops but I must admit I always took care to make the item look as 'fresh' as possible or, where that wasn't possible, to take care with something hand written or personalised to accompany it.

Is it a radical departure from her usual gift-giving patterns/ those established in your family, or indeed spending patterns which would indicate any cause for concern or indications of struggling - financially or otherwise? One year my mental health was so bad around Christmas I barely had the strength or capacity to get out of bed and do my christmas shopping. Worth a 1-1 chat to establish?

If yes to the radical departure in gift style, but you are certain the reasons are not financial, or any wellbeing issues with your daughter, are there any other issues in your relationship, being honest with yourself, which would explain why this gift might have been given in this manner as some sort of signal or message, indicating a lack of harmony in your relationship? Worth a 1-1 chat to establish?

You are allowed to feel the sting. Everyone is materialistic to some degree and I think that some of the replies on here have been a bit disingenuous to be honest, especially without clear indication from you that this is a standard pattern of operating gift wise in your family/with your daughter. I think there is a huge gulf between recognising the true value of christmas/family/whatever not being about pointless, wasteful expense, and wishing someone had been a bit more thoughtful when it came to your gift, especially where you feel you have been thoughtful in return.

I wonder how many of the people expressing total shock and outrage at your materialistic outlook can hand on heart say they would be totally content with the same approach, if they don't come from a family where this is the total norm?

Anyway, the point is, it's ok that you are not them, and you feel hurt.

If there's no disharmony, no financial or other wellbeing issues, and it's a real departure from the norm, then you have a couple of choices, outside of the option to get involved in some weird tit for tat present passive agressive war, which seems odd and not recommended.

recognise the sting, and let it go.
recognise the sting, and have a chat about it, if it's something you are likely to stew on.

Whole range of options could come out of the chat. Maybe she was skint. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she just truly wasn't arsed this year, but hadn't stopped to think about how this would come across. Maybe she did and didn't care cos you've pissed her off. Maybe she's just selfish. Maybe she just won't understand you and will think you're being shallow and materialistic.

Most of these outcomes are ok :) And the ones that aren't are probably going to have a better outcome after a chat anyway.

Sorry this was so long, I really got into my head about it.

Quite spectacularly mingey. Has she always been mean or do you think this was a message?

I would be curious as to what sort of gifts she gave to others - say, a boyfriend or close friend? If she was genuinely short of cash and they got similar gifts then I would be happier about it than if she spent lots more on decent gifts but reckoned her own mother didn't deserve anything more than a cheap, second hand book.

I'm a bit torn here. I am someone who does get quite hurt about a lack of effort, but some of my best receiving experiences have been books from Oxfam. My favourite gifts would be a well-chosen second hand book plus an Alpine chocolate bar from M and S nicely wrapped up. Thoughtful and good for the planet. But a book just picked up without much thought and nothing else would leave me underwhelmed.

Once upon a time, when I was not earning, I went to the library, borrowed 2 books that I knew my parents would read. Wrapped them up, presented them at Christmas time and told them they had 3 weeks to read them or I would get a library fine 😁 we still laugh about it now!

We always have a limit for the adults, usually £5 or £10.

I personally would spend more on my DD when she’s an adult, than I’d expect her to spend on me.
I would probably tell her not to buy me anything like I do now she’s a teen anyway and so a small token gift would be appreciated.

I think it’s a bit odd that 4 months later you are still thinking about this.

No wonder young people today are in constant debt, socially dissfunctional and unable to form permanent relationship, when they grew up with parents who teach them to spend money they don't have on idiotic gifts and that love is measured through money.
Pathetic.

@AnnaSewell actually both my DD's do buy me second hand books as much as new books - most of the books I buy are used anyway - I don't mind at all - in fact I like to think that they think of me when they see a used book shop and/or go into one to spend the time looking for something for me - they always get it right and buy me books about something I'm interested in - one of my DD's bought me a book of haikus while travelling in India - it doesn't even have an ISBN number but it's right up my street.

@SabreIsMyFave - you mean - enjoy hearing about my DD using the Magimix I gave her!? I make do with a £20 hand blender for soups.

It’s not about the book at all- This is a red herring.
I’d suspect there are underlying issues between OP and her adult daughter.
The cheap gift has become a symbol of that - a kind of “ Up yours” by the feel of it.

Rude! And probably also incorrect! 😵‍💫

What an arsehole thing to say.
I've been on here for 15 years and I'm giving you my first ever

I hope my son doesn’t ever spend a penny on me, and I relish every pound i spend on him.

i didn’t have him do he could buy me presents. I have my husband for that.

People who use the term “ Boomer” or “Karen “ or “Gammon” or “ Snowflake “ are usually seriously lacking in imagination and vocabulary.

I agree. That won't even buy you a coffee. It's such a shit and cheap gift that she shouldn't have bothered. I'm amazed at how people would 'treasure' a second hand cheap and thoughtless gift.

And the OP clearly thinks there hasn't been much thought

**This

@AnnaSewell

It's not how much a gift costs to equal
Counts matters,

It's the thought that counts

Is a good book?

Yep - if it was a book that she knew I like and thought was put in, who cares if it is second-hand?? YABU

I'm in my thirties personally, but kindly fuck off.

I'm so sorry time.

OP this isn't how books work. She thought the words inside would bring you pleasure, or mean something to you, who cares about the cover or the cost. It's not like she got you a second hand hankie or bubble bath, she thought about it.
I've done this lots of times when the (second-hand) book seemed right for the person, there was never any malice behind it & I didn't think I was getting a lesser gift.

@Noyesnoyes ah...that old trope again. Unless you're knitting lentils & giving each other sackcloth & ashes as presents you must be shallow & bragging about present piles & hauls on insta whilst your marriage is in crises....so dull & unimaginative.

Sorry to disappoint you but you're utterly wrong. I'm not on Instagram or tic tok etc. I've never posted pictures of presents & I'm married a long time to a man who treats me entirely as an equal. As I do him.

But you carry on with your misconceptions....

Does the value of a gift represent the amount of love that person has for you?

I think, in the absence of any other markers, it's understandable why it might be read that way.

If I got a £2.50 gift from a loved one, would I be upset? No. But that is because I have the great luck to be part of a close and loving family in which I never have cause to doubt their affection for me or the value they place on me, I am told almost daily that I am loved, in words and deeds. So I have the chance to just take gifts as being given in love - regardless of cost. That makes it very easy to thank someone for the gift and get on with my day.

Would I be able to do that in a relationship that already had problems, cracks, doubts and a suspicion of not being loved or valued? No I don't think I would. In that kind of scenatio, I could well imagine being very hurt by the very real possibility that they just don't care about me.

@SherrieElmer

and you should be ashamed of using the term boomer