To be disappointed about the book?

Then I'd think that hypothetical dd needed to get a grip.

there is literally no indication that op's dd spent any time and effort lovingly picking the book. If anything the opposite applies- surely if she was so invested in her mother enjoying this ever so special book she spent SO MUCH EFFORT SOURCING she would have asked her if she'd read it at some point? Whereas the dd handed it to her mum and hasn't mentioned it since.

Fine forget rum -it could be any present that doesnt have a set use by date. Say vouchers to a restaurant. Or a gift card to a shop. If I'd bought that for Christmas and asked the recipient in march if they'd used them yet and they'd said "oh no we were going to treat ourself for our anniversary in April" or "No I really need some new summer clothes so can't wait to treat myself when they come out in the shops" Or a bottle of perfume and they are finishing their old bottle off first before opening the one I bought them.

My only thought would be "Great, hope you enjoy it!" I can't imagine any reasonable person thinking "what??? You haven't used my gift within days of me giving it to you? You can't have liked it then. How ungrateful, you should have rushed out to spend it the moment the shops reopened on 27 December/chucked away your half used perfume/make up.and started using mine immediately!"

Books don't have an expiry date!

And finally where on earth have you got the idea that OP saw the price when she first received the book from?
answer - youve completely made it up
Her first post makes clear it's the opposite....she received the book in Dec, thought it was a fairly half hearted gift but assumed it was at least new so thanked her dd. It was only when she opened it in april to start reading that she saw the price and realised it was also second hand.

If you're going to argue pedantry at least make sure you get your facts right first.

Wouldn't have to be exactly the same amount but yes, I would feel embarrassed to accept an expensive present off someone (particularly if they were on minimum wage whereas I earned £40k) when I'd bought them hardly anything in return.

If you'd bought your neighbour a nice bottle of wine for Christmas and then they popped round with a £320 giant hamper from selfridges (which is the equivalent expense ration here) I bet most people would feel awkward, and youre being disengenous to pretend otherwise.

OPs own words "the jacket shows signs of wear and the pages are a little faded/discoloured."
Sounds tatty to me.

So you turn down xmas presents given to you if you didn't buy gifts of equal value? Never heard of the phrase you dont give to receive?

The book obviously wasn't "tatty" as the OP didn't realise it was second hand when she opened it and only realised when she saw the price

Drinking a whole bottle of rum, is not the same as reading a book.

the price was written inside the front cover of the book, meaning she opened it, looked at the cover and then put it away ? Then it’s just been sat somewhere for 5 months? I’m sure somewhere there’s a post from a daughter that reads like this

’ I’d been looking for this book for my mum for ages. Couldn’t find it on the internet , so I’ve been trawling the charity shops looking for it for ages. I finally found it in Oxfam. Bargain at 2:50 and I just know she’ll love it.
when it came to Xmas day, she unwrapped it and put it to the side. It’s been 5 months and she hasn’t even started reading it. AIBU to be upset that she doesn’t even care about the present I bought her ?’

But not the questions about DD's possible motivations, or their overall relationship.
Buying a charity shop book as a gift is not poor behaviour, what a strange attitude. I can't imagine ever getting upset about whether another adult bought me a present or not, let alone about the monetary value if they did, and I enjoy giving presents, so I often give gifts to people who don't reciprocate. They're gifts, not bribes or the start of a contract

This is the last time I'm going to say this. There are ways and means of having a discussion without falling out. There are also times when it's not appropriate to engage. Most decent adults can navigate these situations properly. If you can't, learn how to or handle the consequences.

If my adult child was going to do something risky or ill advised, I would calmly offer my thoughts but as they are ultimately an adult, they will make the decision they think is right. If it turns out not to be, I will be there to help them pick up the pieces and reassess. Because I haven't pushed them away with an argument and they'll know they can come to me without risk of judgement or an "I told you so".

But now I am going to use my well honed skill of knowing when to stop engaging because someone just wants to deliberately misunderstand and argue for the sake of it.

I am trying very hard to be polite and clear here. I had left this discussion and had been clear that I didn't want to discuss gender politics any further. Your comments are being notified to me and forcing me to return. None of my posts have been aggressive or childish and, unlike you, I haven't demanded that anyone leaves the discussion so I am unsure as to the reason for your comments. They appear to be aimed at making me feel uncomfortable and getting me to leave this platform rather than entering into any kind of constructive dialogue. I do not want to interact with you any further but I will not indicate acceptance of you behaviour by being silent.

She's not obsessing

She's answering the questions of everyone who's trying to excuse the DD's poor behaviour

Aggressive, childish and unnecessary? More than your contributions to this thread? You are not the post police. If people want to say things you don't like, you can't force them not to, but you always have the choice to mute or leave.

Apology accepted and thank you @GirlyBassey

Why would you choose to write this comment? It's aggressive, childish and unnecessary. I said what I wanted to say.

So if one of your children was about to do something risky, or ill considered, @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos, and you knew that bringing it up with them might not go down well, you'd say nothing to keep the peace? So basically you'd avoid any difficult conversation?

You think I don't express myself because I said I have open and honest discussions but know when it's not appropriate to engage??

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

i think you’re doing yourself down!

im sure the people in your life love you plenty enough to be able to tolerate you having any different opinions to them!

express yourself!

I have never behaved in that way and I have always been able to have open conversations about anything with my parents. I hope to be the same with my DC.

But equally, I can see when it's not right to engage. Whether it's because I'm not prepared for the subject matter brought up or because of emotions running high or whatever. And so I don't (and won't) always engage.

If I've had a falling out over anything though, I won't be taking to the internet complaining about a present from the person who previously cut me off because she can afford more. I'll understand why.

Or what? You'll flounce off?

Amen.

The difference in my story is I brought my kids up to win arguments through facts and rationality, not by throwing their weight around and threatening to cut people out of their lives. You seem to be the spokeswoman for that kind of tactic, and expect parents to bow down to it.

😂

@Crispsandcola I apologise if I offended you. It really wasn’t my intention. Hope you are ok.

I do take your point but it’s a difficult one. Many women have been caught by surprise when their DC have ostracised them due to GC views.

OP said previously she had a close relationship with her DD so it’s feasible that’s what’s happened here.

Unless you avoid ever touching on any subject that could be vaguely controversial, then there’s a risk this could happen. And honestly I can’t see how anyone can have full and authentic relationships if you never, ever discuss anything meaningful or where there may be differing views.

I think on most subjects it’s usually possible to agree to disagree, although as a society we’re getting worse at that. Everything seems to have become so binary and tribal with people expected to split into opposing camps and provide unwavering endorsement in every single way.

Problems arise when one side can’t respect that others may hold different views. I suspect OP never dreamt that her DD would cut her off because of her GC views but it’s sadly something that has happened to a significant number of women (anecdotally).

But I do think that OP should have provided context here because it’s led to long and pointless posts re the DD’s finances when very clearly the gift was related to the fallout. Context changes everything.

I’m not going to tag PP because they’ve stated explicitly they don’t wish to engage. However there are just a couple of points worth mentioning.

1. gender critical beliefs are not “anti-trans”. They are sex-based rights which are protected by law.

2. women’s rights and women’s safety don’t need to be confined to a single corner of Mumsnet. It’s entirely appropriate to mention the subject when it’s relevant on any board, provided the OP isn’t derailed. Women’s rights aren’t a shameful subject that must be hidden from view.

However, we aren’t discussing the rights and wrongs of gender ideology here. The reason why it’s entirely relevant to mention is that this is what OP argued with her DD about. And also relevant is the fact that gender ideology uses the hashtag #No Debate - which means there’s a good chance that OP’s DD was unwilling to agree to disagree.

It’s relevant because it also means there’s a good chance that unless OP lied about her beliefs, there’s little she could have done to avoid the fallout.

No one needs to have a discussion about their gender/sex beliefs here, but the subject and typical reactions to disagreement on gender ideology are very relevant to the cheap Christmas gift.

I consider your repeated attempts to engage in a discussion about this to be harassment. I do not want to discuss gender politics here.

I am not going to enter into a discussion about gender or my views on the subject. This post is not about that subject and is not in the section of Mumsnet which deals with that. Let me be clear, I do not want to discuss gender on this post.