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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL on holiday over baby due date

440 replies

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:02

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

OP posts:
lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 24/04/2024 17:50

i wouldn’t have minded if my in laws were away

actually most women wouldn’t miss their MIL. Newborn or not

PollyPut · 24/04/2024 17:40

@Nushyboots first child frequently arrives more than 5 days late. She could well be trying to keep herself busy/stay out of the way for the birth so that she doesn't annoy you all and get in the way. I really don't see what the problem is here?

ViaMargutta · 24/04/2024 17:37

Don't see the problem. To be very honest, babies are boring and all look the same, grandchild or no grandchild. Presumably the baby will still be there in 5 days time, so she can see her/him then. No issue.

burnttoad · 24/04/2024 17:36

@BIossomtoes

You don’t have to arrange a holiday round the birth of a fourth child to care. It’s childish in the extreme, if he’s old either to father four children he’s old enough to cope with his mum having a holiday.
No one arranged a holiday around the event. They specifically asked when the due date was so they could intentionally arrange for their holiday during the event. I don't know whether people genuinely don't find this odd or whether you are being obtuse.

BarbarasRhabarberBar · 24/04/2024 14:59

BeaRF75 · 23/04/2024 20:16

YABU on 3 counts:

  1. "Hubby"
  2. "Bubs"
  3. Why can't the poor woman go on holiday? People on here usually coomplain about the MIL muscling in too soon after the birth, but this kind MIL is going to give the new family some space and privacy when they most need it. She sounds fab!

Fuck me! This is what I wanted to say but thought I'd be a bitch for it!

podcastrunner · 24/04/2024 14:52

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betterangels · 24/04/2024 14:45

BIossomtoes · 24/04/2024 14:40

You don’t have to arrange a holiday round the birth of a fourth child to care. It’s childish in the extreme, if he’s old either to father four children he’s old enough to cope with his mum having a holiday.

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My thoughts exactly. I really don't see the issue. His mum's not going to be in the room with him...

BIossomtoes · 24/04/2024 14:40

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2024 14:37

It's not childish to want your parents to care

Show quote history

You don’t have to arrange a holiday round the birth of a fourth child to care. It’s childish in the extreme, if he’s old either to father four children he’s old enough to cope with his mum having a holiday.

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2024 14:37

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 24/04/2024 13:47

Maybe DH should grow up.

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It's not childish to want your parents to care

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 24/04/2024 14:14

That’s one way of looking at it.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 24/04/2024 13:47

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2024 13:42

^This.

Which is what I think the OP makes clear in her post

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Maybe DH should grow up.

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2024 13:42

RebeccaCloud9 · 23/04/2024 20:14

I think the REAL issue is that your DH is feeling left out and unloved by his mum after she has remarried and feels that she should be more involved and interested in this massive thing in his life.

^This.

Which is what I think the OP makes clear in her post

LenaLamont · 24/04/2024 13:29

1)yes this is our fourth baby but what difference does that make?

It makes all the difference in the world, I’m afraid, to anyone other than you and your DH. First babies get all the gifts and adoration and fuss. It decreases exponentially with each subsequent baby.

First time parents are inundated with flowers and best wishes. Baby 3 or 4 will get a couple of cards and gifts, but nothing like the grand production of a first baby. It’s not fair on the baby, obviously, but luckily s/he’s too young to notice or care.

Caerulea · 24/04/2024 13:27

So, given your update, this does sound increasingly out of character & I'd be slightly concerned about the new husband. What's he like?

I think your DH & his siblings need to talk to her & find out what's going on.

Italianita · 24/04/2024 12:55

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Catsmere · 24/04/2024 12:00

Op, you said

she does very little in regards to any of her grandchildren, does not babysit ( we live 3 hours away so she does not babysit for us) any of her grandchildren and makes excuses to avoid it or cancels attendances at family events.

Did she do this before her second marriage? If she did, I'd say she simply doesn't like being around small children. If she didn't, I'd be concerned new husband is isolating her from the family, especially with him being the sole breadwinner.

ZsaZsaTheCat · 24/04/2024 12:00

ThePoshUns · 23/04/2024 22:28

Hubby. Bubs.
U ok hun?

Hubby, bubs ! not any worse than hun !

Maelil01 · 24/04/2024 11:50

Not a week goes past on MN without someone complaining that their MIL won’t give them peace with their new baby and wants to visit all the time. Now today we have another MIL complaint about the opposite…

MIL’s can’t win. All I’ll say is, with luck you’ll be one yourself someday and hopefully you’ll not have a DIL like you are being.

As for they’ve has 3 holidays this year!? Lucky them, hope they enjoyed them. Do you think they need to ask your permission?

BIossomtoes · 24/04/2024 11:41

Your husband needs to accept that he doesn't have a proper mother.

Please define a “proper mother”.

Echoparkswan · 24/04/2024 11:38

What’s the issue. Most women, certainly on here would be delighted that their mil couldn’t visit after they’ve given birth. I think your husband is overreacting.

fatshamedbyfamily · 24/04/2024 11:35

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PoppyJM · 24/04/2024 11:35

Asking for a due date so she can book a holiday over it?

What a bloody lunatic.

TBH you're probably lucky that she's going to be away when you have your baby. She sounds like a nightmare.

Your husband needs to accept that he doesn't have a proper mother. He will be liberated when he does this. My father is beyond selfish and has no interest in me and my siblings. It's very liberating once you can come to terms with the fact that you should have a proper parent but you don't. So you can focus on the people in your life who are not wankers and move on.

You start this by going very low contact.

BIossomtoes · 24/04/2024 11:35

no one begrudges her and husband a holiday at all.

Really? Your first post says Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year

Original poster
Nushyboots · 24/04/2024 11:32

so i feel i need to clarify and address a few questions from previous posters:

1)yes this is our fourth baby but what difference does that make? after a loss prior to this which she is aware of, all babies are blessings.
2) it is the deliberate booking of the holiday over the due date after double checking due date which is irking husband. no one begrudges her and husband a holiday at all.
3) she does very little in regards to any of her grandchildren, does not babysit ( we live 3 hours away so she does not babysit for us) any of her grandchildren and makes excuses to avoid it or cancels attendances at family events.
4) Her husband is the solo earner and since she has stopped working 8 years ago -she does not go anywhere without him - concerns about being controlling from posters seems very valid now...
5) we are not jealous at all in MIL lifestyle as both serving military and living comfortable lives...so that judgement is unnecessary.
6) previous births she has had unlimited access to our children as both my parents do not live in uk and i always saw her as a mother figure in my eyes but has changed post lockdown and her new increasing distance.

we work hard, don't ask them for anything so this was right out of left field especially as she previously had such a beautiful bond with her sons...

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 24/04/2024 11:28

Eggplant44 · 24/04/2024 10:57

I suspect there was a reason to make a big statement necessary.

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Do you? Why do you think that, or are you projecting your own experiences onto what the OP has been saying?

We don't know that the OP's MIL was 'unhealthily enmeshed' with her offspring and that she's now decided to withdraw. We don't know if her husband is manipulating her into withdrawing from her children. Either of those could be true, but that's still pure speculation so all we can do is take the OP at her word and not add bad faith motives of our own.

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