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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL on holiday over baby due date

440 replies

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:02

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

OP posts:
MississippiAF · 23/04/2024 22:00

Caerulea · 23/04/2024 21:59

@MississippiAF it wouldn't make a difference to me tbh. In-laws flew in from other countries when our kids were born.

(emphasis on 'first child' was just cos my son has only had one, can see how it would be ambiguous though)

Edited

Great.

Personally, I would have found that completely suffocating.

People are different.

Caerulea · 23/04/2024 21:59

@MississippiAF it wouldn't make a difference to me tbh. In-laws flew in from other countries when our kids were born.

(emphasis on 'first child' was just cos my son has only had one, can see how it would be ambiguous though)

TheFairyCaravan · 23/04/2024 21:58

Each to their own but I wouldn’t book a holiday when my grandchild was due regardless of whether it was the first or the hundred and first.

MississippiAF · 23/04/2024 21:57

Caerulea · 23/04/2024 21:56

I'm really REALLY confused by the poll & responses. I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all! Clearly there is more going on with her than just this, is the new man not very nice?

I wouldn't dream of going away when my son was having his first child regardless of when we were going to see the baby (on the day, as it happens, they wanted us to go see them in hospital). It's about being available for your child who's about to go through something massive. If my son needed us, even just a reply to a text, we were on hand. Not going off on fucking holiday that had been planned to coincide with something so important.

MN is very weird sometimes

It’s not the first child, by the sounds of it.

Caerulea · 23/04/2024 21:56

I'm really REALLY confused by the poll & responses. I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all! Clearly there is more going on with her than just this, is the new man not very nice?

I wouldn't dream of going away when my son was having his first child regardless of when we were going to see the baby (on the day, as it happens, they wanted us to go see them in hospital). It's about being available for your child who's about to go through something massive. If my son needed us, even just a reply to a text, we were on hand. Not going off on fucking holiday that had been planned to coincide with something so important.

MN is very weird sometimes

AllosaurusMum · 23/04/2024 21:55

itsmylife7 · 23/04/2024 21:23

You state she used to be very close to her sons until lockdown/covid.

Either the new Husband has put pressure on her to "choose" and she's chosen him.

During lockdown she decided to "live her life" if she didn't catch covid and die (remember the hysteria at that time)
She loves her new found freedom and is living her life as a women,not a Mother.

I was thinking during lockdown all the sons bubbled with their wives families making it clear to her she was "the other" and decided to prioritize them as much as they do her.

Bobthethird · 23/04/2024 21:52

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:27

note no one is complaining about them having holidays - its the deliberate choosing to be away over the due date that is annoying my husband. they can holiday every day of the year no one is bothered...the dates is the sticking point.

@OchonAgusOchonOh @WickerMam @DirtyDuchess snap! this is kind of where my questions are at

tbh i'm suprised he didnt just ask straight out
"when is the baby due, i want to make sure i'm on holiday"
"May 4th, why do you want to make sure you're on holiday when the baby comes?"

CelesteCunningham · 23/04/2024 21:51

Wild horses wouldn't have kept our parents away when our babies were due. I'll go against the majority, I think it's hurtful.

PurplePumkin · 23/04/2024 21:50

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 23/04/2024 20:59

Goodness! My Mum declined a holiday to be sure not to miss my due date.

I know lots of MNers have IL issues and keep relatives at arms length around birth, but there are also those of us who were so excited and proud and couldn’t wait to show off our babies to our own Mums and Dads.

I would have been gobsmacked and confused had my parents deliberately gone on hol for due date.

OP, can you have a gentle and open conversation with your MIL and find out what her thinking is?

I’m absolutely 💯 positive OP’s mum will be welcomed with open arms to mop OP’s brow, wind the baby, do the ironing, put the hoover over and produce mouth watering meals for the whole family, during her daughters plight as she recovers from childbirth.

We are talking about MIL here. She has booked a holiday to escape the nonsense. (Very gently) I don’t blame her.

Zfactorstar · 23/04/2024 21:48

Popetthetreehugger · 23/04/2024 20:13

🤣you are totally unreasonable to use words such as hubby and bubs . Your mums going to be there … so what’s the problem ?

Thank goodness I wasn't the only one cringing everytime I read those words

MaryMary6589 · 23/04/2024 21:47

Sounds like the absolute dream!!!!

I wish MIL had been away and left me alone to recover during that postpartum period rather than constantly being at our house so I couldn't rest!

Aswellisnotoneword · 23/04/2024 21:47

I read about the 5 days before and after and immediately thought she's making a point here. Most likely, she felt shut out last time (not necessarily your last pregnancy, could be a sibling) so is quite passive aggressively removing herself from the situation to avoid disappointment.

I can't imagine hearing my mum speaking those words and not straight away asking 'why'? Seems your husband would rather let the relationship go than have a conversation?

rwalker · 23/04/2024 21:45

She’s got remarried and is building a new life

this sounds harsh but you probably saw a lot of her before because she had nothing else in her life

DrJoanAllenby · 23/04/2024 21:45

'So we are expecting our little bubs in June'

After reading that I think I need to book a holiday.

AchillesHeelys · 23/04/2024 21:43

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 21:19

Thank you for all the replies - I gathered general opinion is we are being unreasonable and to be honest we have had a laugh reading the responses. Af few have been genuinely insightful and helpful (Thank you)

Husband has taken the stance that he won't be confronting his mother as suggested even from a'caring' perspective and following others advice let her withdraw from grandchildren's life and not actively try to involve her on that front anymore.he concedes It may not be a big deal to her so He has chosen to keep things in that vein and maintain the desired distance ( most of you have been clamouring) that she wishes.

I still think it would be worth him having an open conversation with her to try to understand why she is withdrawing (in general I mean, not specifically around the birth)

If she has chosen that she doesn’t want to be involved with her children and grandchildren anymore then there isn’t very much he can do, but I can’t help feeling there is more to her behaviour that he might never understand if he doesn’t speak to her about it.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/04/2024 21:41

Take your lead on this from your DH. If he doesn’t want his mother/father/whoever around then just support him with that decision.

I’d also put Mil & FiL on an information diet. Stop sharing stuff with them.

That’s my take on the matter.

LenaLamont · 23/04/2024 21:39

HappyEater · 23/04/2024 21:20

This will be you and DH’s fourth child, is that right?

I do also think that makes a difference, sorry.

Yes, that makes a world of difference.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 23/04/2024 21:35

I think those who are surprised haven’t been on MN long. I’ve seen threads from people with cancer who wanted one time help from a parent to be told they’re being unreasonable to expect their parent to cancel cinema tickets to help their child.

JeepSleeHack · 23/04/2024 21:34

She’s become withdrawn. Drops out of family social commitments and no longer drops in. Has an ill husband. Is also withdrawing from other sons and step daughter.

Im wondering if she’s okay tbh.

Pearsplums · 23/04/2024 21:32

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 21:19

Thank you for all the replies - I gathered general opinion is we are being unreasonable and to be honest we have had a laugh reading the responses. Af few have been genuinely insightful and helpful (Thank you)

Husband has taken the stance that he won't be confronting his mother as suggested even from a'caring' perspective and following others advice let her withdraw from grandchildren's life and not actively try to involve her on that front anymore.he concedes It may not be a big deal to her so He has chosen to keep things in that vein and maintain the desired distance ( most of you have been clamouring) that she wishes.

I think it’s quite stubborn and passive aggressive to not even have an adult discussion with her about it. The fact that you put “caring” in quotes speaks volumes. I assume you don’t like her?

Cammac · 23/04/2024 21:29

Haha yes, that was honestly one of the most ridiculous threads I've ever seen on here

I know right! Comedy gold! 😂 I bloody love MN 😁

Zippedydoodahday · 23/04/2024 21:23

Do you think it's possible that the new husband is abusive and is trying to alienate her from her family?

itsmylife7 · 23/04/2024 21:23

You state she used to be very close to her sons until lockdown/covid.

Either the new Husband has put pressure on her to "choose" and she's chosen him.

During lockdown she decided to "live her life" if she didn't catch covid and die (remember the hysteria at that time)
She loves her new found freedom and is living her life as a women,not a Mother.

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 21:22

Is the thinking here that the new husband is forcing her to choose him over her kids?

Sellingbedtime · 23/04/2024 21:21

No don't fret about it.

IMO it's one less person to entertain in the immediate aftermath.

It will have zero impact on the babys relationship with GP.

Its just another example of the world keeps turning.

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