MIL on holiday over baby due date

You’ve summed it up well.

in real life of course it’s bloody odd that a parent deliberately chooses to go away over the period when a baby is due.

This happened to us and my husband was initially angry and then just upset and confused that his parents didn't want to be around for the birth of either of our children. Because MIL was of course not going to be a birthing partner she didn't see the point in sticking around. They have been abroad for every one of DCs birthdays so far and will only see this one because we are going away with them over that day. They won't see DCs birthday again. It makes my husband feel like he doesn't matter at all to them. But clearly it doesn't matter that much to them.

It’s not your mother, it’s your MIL. You should be glad 😆

My parents do things like this, more my mother than my father. They just have no real interest in their grandchildren. They are trying to repair the damage now that they are becoming more aware of how old they are and all their friends are leaning heavily on their own children. But honestly they froze us out over time and I’ve filled that gap, teenagers, work, close friends, menopause exhaustion and spending time with in laws I don’t have the energy to care that I’m finding it hard to make time for them.

We do live a considerable distance from her so we dont expect her to be there

So, what’s the issue? I’m sure if she came to visit as soon as you got out you would probably be on here complaining. So, you’ll have space/time to settle in at home with the new addition for a few weeks and then she’ll be back. There is zero problem with that. I’m a parent of adults and I certainly wouldn’t be revolving my life around a new addition waiting, to pounce and put myself front and centre.

Honestly, it just comes across as your DH dislikes his mums new husband and resents her spending time with him rather than her life solely revolving around himself and his siblings. That’s sad for a grown man. He should be happy his mum is out there living her best life at this time of her life, but alas often not the case with a lot of kids these days.

Are you saying this isn't even your first DC? We had secondary infertility and without going into boring detail I had the pregnancy from hell and knew the date DS would be delivered for months (unless he arrived more prematurely).
DS was our miracle, he entered the world ten years after his brother, nine months after the death of my DF. There was more love and excitement for him than our first DC, if that's possible from both families.
DH was a very much longed for only son (his DM said she'd have had ten DC to have a boy). He's now in his fifties and still the golden child and as much as I hate it our DC are the golden GC.
My inlaws were the type to be at the delivery room door, inside it if they could. I was relieved when I found out they'd booked a month's holiday around the date he was due to be delivered (and was). He was three weeks old when they met him
The only person I needed and wanted was DH. I'm surprised you're both bothered and so dismissive of the replies you've received, especially when the don't live locally (my in laws did) and you weren't expecting them to play a role anyway.

Sorry, but I find this quite funny. She's obviously doing everything she can (perhaps a bit too pointedly) to avoid being the default child care for all your other children!

I’m sure you’re not the only one . But op has said she didn’t give a toss if MIL was in the country or even present when baby arrives so maybe that’s the difference.

Am I the only woman in the universe with a loving and sweet MIL?
My PIL came 3000 miles and spent 6 weeks when I had my baby.
They were wonderful and sweet and kind and I was sad to see them go.
My mum & my MIL got along beautifully.

Perhaps she's making a statement that she has a life and freedom that she enjoys and to not expect her to be available for childcare. Which is fair enough tbh.

This is your fourth child, apparently? Your husband really needs some perspective.

Either covid made them decide they need to get out and live more (something I think many grandparents would benefit from), her husband isn't fond of all the family time/closeness before, or the adult kids have done something to make her reevaluate how she spends time with them.

Has your husband ever gently asked her if there's been anything that's upset her and mentioned he's seen a change in how much time she spends with family? Not to guilt her, hopefully he could also say he wants her to be happy etc. If you don't have difficult conversations you'll never really find out the truth.

Not telling her a grandchild has been born seems extreme. It sounds like he's hurting. A good conversation with his Mum may help!

It's such a shame that the 'my little family need to be just us for five years to boooonnnndddd' brigade aren't matched up with the detached parents/PiLs brigade.

Personally I think it's normal and desirable to be around for family's special events. I've got a friend who's recently not been able to see her daughter's new baby (no issues with illness) because of this fad. She's deeply hurt though obviously isn't saying anything. She was even told off for telling anyone that the baby had been born (not relatives the daughter wanted to tell herself, this is people the daughter doesn't even know).

I do feel sad for your DH. In the real world, I think most people want families to be interested and around (though not to an intrusive extent), otherwise what's the point of family at all? My parents were a bit like your MiL and it was really hurtful - although they were like that when I was a child too so it wasn't great surprise really.

There seems to be an overwhelming amount of adults who haven’t turned the corner to having an adult relationship with their parents. It’s obviously not wrong that your husband may feel disappointed about a decision he doesn’t like - but it doesn’t make her decisions unreasonable. She is a grown woman with her own choices to make! He perhaps needs to grow up a bit here and respect her decisions, they don’t have to revolve around him as an adult man. They just have different views here on this occasion, that’s how I’d look at it and move on.

Yabu, why does it bother you? You are having the baby not your MIL. Not sure why it bothers you tbh.

This is what I was thinking.

She's entitled to lead her own enjoyable life and not revolve around her adult offspring.

If your husband doesn’t want to try and sit down and have a mature, open conversation with MIL about it, then just let it go.

My mum lives 3 hours away from me, and booked work to do the week of my second baby. She came to visit the week afterwards. Really not a big deal.

How weird, good on them making a nice life and doing things as it has nothing whatsoever to do with the children. My parents were away at my first a matter of days then they were straight over to see baby. Didn't bother me one bit that's why I have hubby 😁

MIL probably didn’t want to be asked to have your other three for a few weeks while you and DP lock the door and close the curtains to have bonding time with your newest one.

I’d leave the country too 😵‍💫

He's not a first time Dad. This is his fourth child.

Exactly. If hubby is so disappointed by his mum's admittedly odd behaviour (asking for the due date only to book the holiday accordingly), then he should just ask her about it.

OP may be just fine with that since she doesn't like her anyway but all he needs to do is ask, it's such a nothingburger to get worked up over especially when the relationship's strained already. If she doesn't reply or declines to answer, at least you'll know where you stand and can adjust your expectations.

People seem surprised that a new father might be keen for his own mother to meet his grandchild. It wouldn’t be unreasonable if a pre booked holiday happened to clash with the due date but, come on now, to actively go out of the way to be out of the country is sending a message. MIL is being U.

But surely it's the intent that's upsetting OPs DH?

Ok , so because you dont give a toss if she’s in the country or even present maybe she picked up on that . I mean , I guess she doesn’t want to be the dreaded overpowering MIL because she knows how you feel .

Three holidays? The bitch!!!

Who is your husband to begrudge his mother holidays? Particularly if her husband has been suffering with ill health.

I’m perplexed as to why your husband is so upset about her being away over the due date and why, being upset, he hasn’t asked her why.

Does MIL have much involvement with other grandchildren? I wonder if she finds it a bit much at times. I know grannies who were enthusiastically caring for their first grandchild every week in their 50s but two more grandchildren later and trying to be “fair” to their children and with increasing years, finding it all too much. I’ve also been on large group camping holidays with three generations where the middle generation merrily abdicates all responsibility for their own kids, insisting they want to be in the caravan with the grandparents, and proceed to spend their break getting pissed and eating while granny wrangles their “spirited” children. A lot of people also seemed to lose confidence and oomph during the pandemic. It’s very sad.

Anyway unless she is awful in other ways, I’d to calm your husband down and let it pass. It might be nice to have family visits staggered rather than everyone wanting to descend at once.

She said on other thread that this is her fourth.