MIL on holiday over baby due date

I am well aware.
I have adult DC.

@Fargo79 if they aren't interested that's that. They do sound clingy/high maintenance if they are keeping count of holidays

I never said that.
I was talking about diabetes.

Yeah. It's like there's no middle ground between being overbearing and completely disinterested...

I really think, OP you need to be a bit kinder about the diabetes. It's a tricky condition to manage, and you get many ups and downs.

Live and let live. This is how they chose to live, that’s up to them. If they feel a little excluded further down the line, that’s not your burden to bear.

One of the weirder "cultural" aspects of Mumsnet is the idea that once we're adults, we should no longer expect anything in the way of a relationship with our parents because they've done their bit and we're entitled, as adult children, if we expect any level of emotional investment or practical support from them. How dare we?? 🙄 The only families I know who are this cold and detached in real life are deeply dysfunctional and toxic.

Back in the real world, it's entirely reasonable to be fucked off that your mum has deliberately booked a holiday with your new baby's due date smack bang in the middle, for the purpose of avoiding being there around their arrival. Likewise, most normal people are perfectly able to understand that mentioning the three holidays is nothing to do with resenting their retirement or wealth, but relevent in that it shows this particular holiday wasn't their only opportunity to go away for the year and didn't hold a special significance; it shouldn't have been more important than the arrival of their grandchild.

You don't sound like hard work at all, OP. People just love to pile on and feel superior. Mocking someone for their use of language smacks of bullying and snobbery, especially when that person is distressed at having been sidelined by family and losing a baby. It says so, so much about them and nothing about you.

This kind of dynamic where parents are disinterested and disengaged is deeply painful and it's clear that PPs either haven't experienced it or don't have the empathy or emotional intelligence to recognise it and imagine what that might be like. From experience, all I can say is that the more you try and engage with people who are pulling away from you, the more painful it is. In your husband's shoes, I'd be pulling right back and matching her effort (at most). Hunker down and focus on each other and the people who are showing you they care. Don't waste energy chasing people who don't care.

You lost me at “little bubs”

No, it's a minefield isn't it!

Pils can never win can they.

This is it! She didn't want to babysit 🤣

It's her own life!

Her request for dates suggests she knows exactly what she is doing. It isn’t subconscious. She hasn’t explained herself, but she isn’t being secretive about it.

I suggest your husband goes cold turkey on electronic communications. He can tell her this: no photos by WhatsApp etc. if she wants to know she should phone or visit. I’d also suggest he invites her for c.3 weeks after the due date.

Saying this gently - expecting your first baby is the centre of your universe, a life changing and exciting event. For her - it’s not her first grandchild and she lives far away from you. It’s just not as big a deal for her.

My in-laws live far away from us and came to visit when our first born was about 2/3 weeks old. I have family living nearby who helped with emotional support and practical things in the first few days. I actually thought it was really respectful of in-laws to give us a couple of weeks to get home and settled before coming up.

I think the crux of the issue is that his Mum was once single and so spent much of her life with her children and Grandchildren. And now she is happy in a relationship, obviously her focus is on her partner and their life together. Of course she won’t have the same level of time for extended family. Your husband needs to be happy for her and let her live her lovely life with multiple holidays…. Lucky her! He’s an adult and you and the baby are his family now, time to cut the apron strings with his mum.

I think its great she has her own life now, she is her own person after all and not just a mother and grandmother. I for one will of course love my grandchildren when they come along, but frankly, after over 20 years of having my own kids at home I will be ready for the opportunities to travel etc that having a family at home made impossible. My parents did this, and I applaud them for it and certainly won't feel guilty when I do the same.

I wish my MIL had gone on holiday when I had my babies. She was an overbearing pain in the ass.

Why does it matter to your husband? I think he needs to sort out wider issues with his mum. I would be happy if my MIL or my mum were away; stop them waiting around for the birth

I honestly don't get all these responses?! I wouldn't dream of being away from my family when something big like this was going to happen or was likely to. I'd want to be close by to help if needed or just to see the new parents and baby.

To book something deliberately across the due date is intentional, to me. My mother and her husband did it with both of my births and I was hurt and upset because it felt deliberate to be away when they could have been away at any other point in the year and was booked within weeks of me telling them when I was due.

I guess people just think differently but I completely understand your husband's upset, OP

A birth is a very important moment mostly for the parents. 4 or 5 days are not going to make a difference. Baby can come a few days early or a few days late of the due date.
I don't see the issue about the holidays, I see your husband is resenting his mum because their relationship is not that close as it used to be, but that is another story built over time not just because she is on holiday this June.

I suspect MiL has felt ‘sidelined’ by your DM in the past.

Obviously I seem to be in the minority but I think it's rubbish of your MIL, if she can go on holiday any time, to choose your due date. I can see why your husband is upset.

The only silver cloud I can see if that she treats you all the same so at least you know it's not personal. My Mum hardly sees my kids but helps and sees my brother's all the time even though we all live in the same village.

I have noticed a big difference since my Mum retired, I think some people see that as a chance to have 'their time' and not think about anyone else. Hope all goes well with the birth and glad your Mum is there to support you.