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AIBU?

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Original poster

Surgery for DS’s facial birthmark

85 replies

BeCalmFox · 23/04/2024 18:32

Hi everyone

First time poster really looking for some views.

my DS (4) was born with a large red birthmark on his face. It was originally diagnosed as a port wine stain but after it faded significantly in his first year it was diagnosed instead as very extensive stork bites or salmon patches. It has continued to fade although at a much slower rate and, until now, hasn’t caused him any problems and other children haven’t mentioned it. It’s faint pink now and not immediately noticeable unless you spend a bit of time with him. It’s more noticeable when he’s cold or excited or upset etc. It is definitely still there though and I’m conscious of how perceptive and cruel other children can be. He starts school on august and we have just been given an NHS appointment to have it treated by laser. The procedure requires general anaesthetic and 10 days off nursery. It may also require repeated procedures depending on the skin’s reaction.

My DH and I are torn about what to do. On one hand we don’t want to put him through an operation requiring GA and a disruption to his life for something that is not medically necessary, massively noticeable and may continue to fade further.

On the other hand, I am concerned about him being bullied or treated differently because of it and this affecting his confidence. If we waited another few years, I’m concerned that some damage may have already been done in this respect. We may have a chance to just deal with it now and draw a line under it before school.

AIBU to put my DS through this procedure?

OP posts:
BookArt · 23/04/2024 18:59

My son has a different birthmark on his top lip, he is 5 and started school last September. He had one bigger issue which the school dealt with immediately. When viewing schools I specifically asked about how they would deal with a birthmark comments situation and it definitely helped me rule out schools with the way they responded. Now age 5, he really does notice people looking, it is affecting his confidence and doesn't want to attend parties, etc, where there are lots of people. He did have treatment as his birthmark affects the muscles and gave him ear infections, so his was a must and will need further treatment this year. Unfortunately, as a teacher, I see the cruel comments that others make regularly, but it is actually mainly from the adults and not so much the children. I think treatment is worth a shot to see if it works for your child. I'm currently looking at treatment for my son in the US. It is such a hard choice, but unfortunately people are cruel.

I say this knowing that when my son had his first treatment at two I missed his birthmark, his has grown again and I know he needs treatment not just for visual reasons but I will miss it, it's part of him and I love it. I don't really 'see' it anymore.

Wishing you luck! Sorry for the waffle, a lot of feelings with this post.

Cheepcheepcheep · 23/04/2024 18:51

I was wondering how old he was when I saw your thread title.

My DSis was born with a birthmark between her eyebrows but it had faded mostly by the age of 4. If he had been under 2 I’d say give it time.

If it’s still visible and noticeable (I would ask a third party as parents we’re are often crap at taking an objective view - although being offered NHS treatment for it means it must hit a threshold I suppose) then I’d go for the surgery. It’s scary and I understand it feels a bit weird to do a ‘cosmetic’ surgery for a preschooler. But think of it less like a nose job and more like braces. The difference is, unlike braces, he’s young enough for it to be sorted before he wishes you’d done it.

I feel for you (my 2yo DS had hernia surgery in January and I get how awful the idea of contemplating a GA is!). But I think this is one where you’d regret it more if you didn’t do it, than if you did.

TrovkyPickler · 23/04/2024 18:48

Hi,

My daughter has exactly this.

Happy to talk in private and show you (privitased) photos how how she looks now vs a baby.

We gave her the choice at 5. And she said she loved her 'pink cheek'

And didn't wnat it to be removed.

She's 15 now and refuses to wear foundation as it covers her birthmark and she 'doesn't feel like herself without it'

We don't even notice it anymore.

But it is more visable in the cold and I'm sure other people notice it.

We've only had 1 instance of someone being rude about it in 15 years

Emsie1987 · 23/04/2024 18:46

Hi my son is 4 and has a port wine stain in his face. We are going ahead with the treatment. Happy to discuss further in messages.

Cas112 · 23/04/2024 18:45

Deal with it now before him and other kids become aware of it and you have to be put on another waiting list

WhamBamThankU · 23/04/2024 18:45

A family member has a birth mark covering his entire arm and one side of his chest, he had a tiny patch of laser as a late teen and was crying with the pain of it. Didn't bother again. At least your DS will be asleep.

TTPD · 23/04/2024 18:42

It's not something I would have done - my DD was born with a fairly large facial birthmark across her forehead which has mainly faded now, more visible when she's upset etc. But that doesn't mean I think that's the "right" decision and that you would be unreasonable to do it. I think it's a personal decision, not something with one universal correct answer.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/04/2024 18:41

I'd have it dealt with now while he's young and will heal well.

Namechanged1001 · 23/04/2024 18:39

My DP has an extensive port wine stain covering his eye forehead and part of his scalp. He hated it growing up and says he was bullied and shy because of it. There wasn't the treatment back then. I love it. I barely see it because he's gorgeous and he's just him. But I can see he gets a bit stressed when children ask about it for example now even as an adult. I think I'd give it a go and see how his skin reacts. If it doesn't help there is nothing lost? On the other hand I know there isn't anything crueler than children but if it's faint and fading it may well go down further naturally?

It's a tough one but good luck with whatever you choose.

Hermittrismegistus · 23/04/2024 18:39

YANBU. A family member has a similar birthmark that covers half his face. The amount of comments he's had about it throughout his life have really affected him. It's the first thing people see when they meet him.

He started wearing camouflage foundation in his early 20s and then paid for laser surgery in his 30s. The difference to his confidence is amazing. He wishes laser treatment was available when he was a child.

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