Surgery for DS’s facial birthmark

@BeCalmFox I understand it is difficult when you don’t have certainty either way.

When I look at the young adults I know now, those whose parents jumped in to correct/fix/perfect things are not noticeably more confident than those who were given the chance to work through experiences or accept imperfections about themselves. Some of them are perhaps a bit less confident?

Im not from the UK so I don’t know exactly how the NHS works. Where I live you could just decide when you wanted to intervene so the wait and see approach might be more practical. If this is your one chance to have it done on the NHS and it would later require private treatment then I understand why you might opt for it.

I went to secondary with a girl who had a good sized strawberry (raised reddish purplish birthmark) on her jawline.

It really wasn't commented on much - new kids asking her what it was "a birthmark" "oh", maybe, but no one teased her.

The thing is, if a kid gets bullied over a birthmark/glasses/gingerness etc...they were going to get bullied anyway. Bullies sniff out vulnerability, and come up with a "reason" for it later.

Believe me, it's not children who are nasty, it's adults who will be the nasty ones, when your child becomes an adult. Having a disability, I speak from experience.

It's completely different, but I have a condition with one of my eyes and when I'm tired/run down it becomes really lazy and floats. It's not a big deal to anyone, and nobody normally notices it unless I point it out. I however am incredibly conscious of it, and as a child learnt to not make eye contact because I was so paranoid of people looking at it. I would be called "Chinese eyes" from being as young as 5.
I used to have a long fringe/wear make up certain way etc. it had a major effect on my own confidence growing up.
If there had been anything that could've been done to eradicate that when I was younger I can honestly say it would've changed my life and how I felt about myself growing up.

I know it isn't a birth mark, but it is a visiual difference. I hope that is helpful.

I have a brown birthmark on my neck, probably the size of a walnut. Kids were occasionally curious about it when i was growing up, but never mean. Adults can be stunningly rude though - I've regularly been mocked by people thinking it's a lovebite, and called a slut for the same reason. A guy once crossed the street to tell me I should have it checked for cancer. And when I was little I remember going to the doctor to have a mole frozen off because it kept on catching on my clothes and the doctor said "I suppose you could have the birthmark removed but it would probably make more of a mess than is there now". I still remember that 35 years later, and feeling incredulous that he would think I would want to remove it. It's part of me and I would have been devastated to lose it then, and the same now.

I think many people are not reading your post thoroughly. The experience of someone with a very noticeable facial difference isn’t really relevant in your situation. Given it’s fading on its own and not noticeable to most people I think it falls into unnecessary risk category to have multiple GAs. As you have said yourself it’s improved so much you aren’t confident you would even be offered treatment if it was to be assessed now.

My DD when she was about 6 or 7 developed a red spider vein cluster on her face. We were told it would disappear on its own and it did, but took about two years. Some kids would ask what it was, she’d respond and they’d go on their way. Meanwhile parents at school were urging me to take her to have laser treatment ‘because kids are so cruel’. It was the adults who couldn’t deal with a small imperfection, who couldn’t countenance waiting ‘when you can get rid of it now’. The kids were absolutely fine.

Not the same, but I have a birthmark on my arm that I have endured shitty comments on my whole life, particularly during childhood. I wish there could've been an option to get rid of it as a child.
So I say YANBU.

If they think it's improving without treatment they may say to wait a bit longer.

Laser treatment for birthmarks is amazing, I was for many years a qualified laser nurse and part of my job was assisting doctors with this treatment. The results that I saw were all very good, especially with children, the earlier its done, the better the result. Immediately after treatment it is very bruised so looks awful but that doesn't last long. They leave a long gap between treatments because the fade is very gradual, if they have offered treatment then they clearly think its worth doing. Try one and wait for at least 6 months before you decide whether to go again.

A GA for a condition you say the vast majority of people won’t notice?

Just in case it becomes an issue... even though it never has been.

No way.

I’d get rid of it without a second thought.

Nevermind all the comments about “the message removing it would send” or “society homogenising” - your very young child shouldn’t have to be the one who gets used to make that point, however “worthy” it might seem to adults who will ultimately be unaffected.

I can only comment on the GA side of this, if that’s a worry. My son had a few and it was so so calm. So calm and kind going in, relaxed. Zero after effects. One time he was wobbly on his feet for a while, but feeling fine and laughing. Bounced back like nothing. I was surprised

Have you looked at the changing faces website OP? They have lots of useful information there for people with facial differences

Society has never accepted difference. Yes, it would be great to have a kinder, more open minded approach. But people notice difference, and some are cruel about it.

In the past, people with physical disfigurement or autism or other traits that marked them off were routinely made to live utterly miserable lives, often shunned by the community, or institutionalised, or forced to live as beggars on the streets. Babies born with cleft lip or Downs Syndrome were sometimes left to die.

It's really easy to choose the path of heroic difference for other people, especially a small child who doesn't have the experience adults do of having some mark that sets them apart.

No but sometimes it is

We would in an ideal world yes. As someone with a facial difference who has been stared and "whispered" about I don't want to have to be that person that makes that challange

I really feel for you OP. I guess it depends on how noticeable you feel it is and how many laser sessions he might need?

My DD was born with a minor
facial deformity which was cosmetic in that it didn’t affect the function of anything. It wasn’t dramatic but it was clearly noticeable. We ended up scheduling surgery when she was 18 months to improve it. I had very similar dilemmas to you but in the end I decided I just had to do what I would have wanted my parents to do if I were in her shoes. And I felt that I would have wanted them to deal with it when I was too small to be bothered by it.

she is now almost 9 and although you can still see there is something unusual in that area it’s only
if you look closely or attention is drawn to it. She is happy that we dealt with it for her and is barely aware of it!

YANBU

Are they sure it will require GA? I know a little girl who had laser removal over the course of a few weeks as a toddler (18 months) without GA. Cases differ of course.

Sad about your parents changing your appearance! I am very grateful I had extensive orthodontic work as a child. I am very very glad I wasn't left looking like a buck toothed vampire without that treatment. People can bang on about differences making you unique but it's not most people's lived experience. My children both had bad acne which a dermatologist swifly brought under control. I suppose on that view I should not have bothered and encouraged them to accept the extensive scarring they would have got without treatment as a mark of their special individual charm rather than selfishly letting them have clear healthy skin. In an ideal world everybody would be judged on character but this is not an ideal world and looks matter.

No problem! It is so hard to decide! Sorry I realise my message was very direct and matter of fact, but it was so difficult for me to decide. It was the GA that worried me the most, but once we'd taken the plunge we found out that my little one was really good with the GA and just sleeps it off. There was 1 time that was tricky (woke up distressed and trying to pull all the monitoring cables off!!) but that was all... We have really turned the whole experience into a 'hospital adventure' and make a massive deal out of it, buy a gift every time to say well done, etc... They do still get nervous, it's not like it's something they jump for joy at doing so often, but they're definitely not scared or distressed and they look forward to the 1:1 time with me as I make each laser session into a special treat where we go to a café or eat out for dinner the day before etc!

I see. I think I would still go for it, or at least talk to the doctor, because if you decide not to do it you'll most likely come off the waiting list and probably won't get the opportunity to change your mind later.