To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

Your 3 year old might be ND or they might just be a dickhead, lots of 3 year olds are. Ime the assertiveness at this stage will serve them well later on and the ones I've seen grow up tend to be quite popular later on.

I would focus on lots of physical activities swimming tumble tots soft play stomping in the rain parks in all weathers. Really tire them out. You haven't got a sit still and play nice with others child so you have to adjust your expectations and do other stuff.

It’s frustrating oP when you’re reaching for help and getting criticism. It’s also frustrating when people think they know how to fix it and they don’t necessstily know your dc.

You're not ready to explore ND and that's fine. But you seem to have a lot relying on reception noticing any issues. Reception, especially in a small badly funded school can very much be a sink or swim environment. Look at the stats on children excluded in primary school, the majority are ND. Mine was excluded in reception. Don't expect them to be your saviour. Your DC could well be made to feel like the naughty child for not keeping up with expectations. But he'll still be legally obliged to go there every single day. Teachers only have themselves to manage the whole class, likely with other ND children too. They don't always have the time your DC may need. That's up to you to push for the help they need. And if he does end up excluded, please don't punish him, it's not his fault.

Why do you have to lie to the GP? Just say you are concerned about your child's development and want to discuss it. What's the lie?

Sorry, I wasn’t saying I think you are rude, just trying to explain why people think you are.

also, you do not have to give a reason other than personal. This is my area of expertise which is why I mentioned it as you shouldn’t have to lie to the receptionist, it’s unacceptable.

You absolutely should answer the emergency questions if they have them as i mentioned before and you then say it’s personal, if they then refuse ask to discuss with a) someone clinical and b) the practice manager, inform them you will be calling the ICB and the CQC to report bad practice by the receptionist and the practice refusing appointments because people are legally entitled to not share their private medical details.

Even in A&E you do not need to give the receptionist information, it will go down as personal and then you are triaged privately, remind the GPs of this and that you have a right to privacy and confidentiality.

He may be 'pretty high functioning' but you've started this whole thread on mumsnet because you are worried about him and his behaviour and how he communicates, and you're worried that other children will dislike him.

OP, please, admit to yourself that there is a problem here. Autism doesn't have to be non-verbal to mean that it needs diagnosis and support.

One minute you say you're worried and the next you brush it off because he's 'high functioning' and you apparently know that the GP won't do XYZ for him, there will be no support, etc. You're making a huge amount of assumptions here.

You'll never actually know unless you try, will you?

If you get started now then his diagnosis and support will be in place sooner than if you leave it another year and school pick it up. You could save him a couple of years of primary school lacking support if you get the ball rolling.

Another joining to say I hadn’t read your post first but I also sense he’s needing an overdose of affirmation and affection but he’s making it hard for the OP to give it.

Just to say that this sounds like a normal 3 year old. My son was a nightmare at that age - violent, disruptive, no discipline/consequences of any kind worked.
Nursery told me to ‘love bomb’ him and that kind of worked. How old is the other sibling?
he might be autistic…or he might just be a naughty boy testing boundaries!
just keep going, and this too shall pass.
don’t worry about friendships at school. My son is fine now.

I have a very difficult child to parent. He’s on the ADHD and ASD pathways, demands have to be carefully framed and he is a child who doesn’t ’listen to boundaries’. However, it doesn’t mean boundaries are useless or we don’t have them. That’s my ds. My dd is typical 2yo pushing boundaries stage and also not easy to parent. Again, it doesn’t mean we don’t have boundaries. I think it’s about defining what that means, what is each boundary or rule and how do you react? It can be as simple as carrying them to the car and taking them home because they’re at a point they can’t deal with things any more.

I think right now you’ve identified there might be something going on for you. Some of your posts have been quite black and white and I think it’s worth exploring that more. I wouldn’t dismiss therapy instantly. It can be very helpful in reframing things. Even just looking at techniques and thinking about things differently can help. Equally think it’s a good idea to phone the GP. It’s less that half of us are gentle parents decrying your approach and the other half believe no bad behaviour happened before gentle parenting. It’s more about behavioural threads tending to attract parents of ND children or children with difficult behaviour who have been taught or learnt specific techniques for these difficult behaviours and learnt that shame and shouting tend to escalate situations (not in relation to your post, but in general explaining why traditional discipline etc doesn’t always work for those children). Parents who haven’t experienced really difficult behaviour also reply and tend to think that their techniques would work no matter what situation (which is often also what parents of ND children assume prior to parenting and end up feeling unnecessarily guilty about when it doesn’t and they seek support).

I think the best way forward is to reassess the situation when you feel you’re in a good place yourself. I’ve found the second I get stuck in negative thinking and am in a less good place mentally, I start to think nothing suggested will work and feel instantly frustrated at most suggestions - as soon as I’m in a better place mentally, I’m much more open.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your son. You sound intelligent, caring and the sort of person I'd want to chat to on the playground - regardless of the behaviour of your child!

I've only read your posts so someone may already have said this, but when your son laughs in your face he is unlikely to be laughing 'at' you. Young children tend to do this in an attempt to make you happy and diffuse a situation. In their minds they see you looking upset so they laugh in the hope you'll join in too. Kid logic! Definitely not something to take personally.

I hope you have a better day today.

It is a worry OP and I’m sorry : it sounds really stressful - and a little bit heart-breaking. He’s your baby after all.

He sounds like another child I have known in much of what you describe ( especially the laughing and seeming not to care) and I can only say that child was not well liked and knew it - and that was the problem. He was a middle child of three ( not your issue I know), wedged between a golden child and the cute baby of the family and most of the time his name was mentioned it was to reprimand him. Truthfully, the laughing and indifference was a shield he adopted as his way of coping. Even at a very young age resourceful children will find a way to deflect criticism or try to cope with the negativity.

I realise that isn’t exactly your situation , but you are clearly an involved mum and trying to tackle the bad behaviour which is the right thing to do. But I’m wondering if maybe you’re so focused on that aspect that he is feeling “ not liked.” And actually you kind of said that tbf! None of us respond well when we know people dislike us, even adults. Just look how childish some of the MIL/DIL threads get on here. It isn’t necessarily about spending time with him as such, as when he’s being a pain the longer focus on him probably means more things you have to address. But can you try pre-empting it ( say when you collect him from nursery and before he has a chance to act up) just scoop him up and say “ how’s my good and gorgeous boy!” Or “ Oh how I’ve missed my special man!” It might feel odd at first for both of you; but I think he’s needing real affirmation and it gets harder and harder for you to give if he’s always a PITA. You need to find the spaces - even if they are just neutral spaces at first rather than behaviour really needing a reward - and lay it on thick. Get in there with an emergency dose of love and appreciation. He will start to see the contrast between that and when he misbehaves. And importantly he will realise you do love him, he just isn’t giving you many chances to show it. I think his crappy attitude is his carapace.

Yes. Op I’m a teacher and some of the most challenging year 7s I’ve taught (I used to check the register to see if they were in school, they were that bad - truly dreadful) and then they become the most lovely year 13s. Happens the other way too.

Be kind to yourself but keep up with the discipline too (and positive reinforcement etc obviously). He’ll get there with that in time. It’s easier said than done I know when you’re knackered and have had enough. I always tell myself with my pupils and my own DC that when it feels hardest (to sanction etc) that’s when it’s the most important to follow through.

1. You do not have to lie to the receptionist, “I would like to make an appointment, I am not comfortable discussing the details with you as it is of a personal nature” done. They can ask questions to rule out emergencies (any chest pain, shortness of breath etc). Also there are counselling options on the NHS so you won’t be paying.

2. the reason people are calling you rude is because you are quite resistant and defensive, you will say you want help but then say you don’t. People can find that confusing and difficult to understand

3. Unless you are a specialist in the field do not assume your child would be classed as high functioning if they were to be found to be ND.

4. Why are you so resistant to your child being ND and starting the assessment process? It can take years but you are willing to leave it even longer? That just seems like you are burying your head in the sand. Your excuse about being labeled difficult is thin and not really applicable and sounds like you are reaching because you are scared.

5. Sounds like your other child is a baby or younger than your 3yo and you think there may be some jealousy issues there, definitely worth reading about etc. also you said there was an incident in feb? You haven’t given details (which is absolutely fine and not a dig!) but if it has upset your son deeper than expected you need to get professional help sooner rather than later.

You can request a referral from your GP. Better to start now and have to wait than for things to spiral and find you are years ahead.

"High functioning" is an outdated term as it's not useful and I can assure you children are assessed because they show signs of autism not because they are perceived as "low functioning". Waiting lists are long at the moment so earlier is better.

If you have concerns then talk to your GP and make sure you get him into preschool/education as early as possible and then keep in touch w R3ith the teacher regarding this.

Look into" demand avoidance" and PDA as well as low demand parenting.

Good luck it's not easy but support is available.

Hopefully you’ve found some useful advice in here.

With a SENCo hat on, I’d try these…

-Ask for meeting with preschool to understand exactly what this looks like there. Do they have any concerns? Can they refer/ signpost you anywhere?

-Contact the health visitor service. Again, they should be able to tell you about any local services you can access.

—Have you heard of portage? They can come into the home and support you. It’s for children with SEN, but don’t assume that means they have to have a formal diagnosis of something. If behaviour is that extreme it could arguably count as an SEN. In my experience, they often support parents around behaviour. https://www.portage.org.uk/support/

-What is his speech and language like? Any delay, concerns whatsoever? Children with language needs at his age can be more likely to lash out as they are struggling to understand and communicate verbally. Again, chat to your HV or preschool about how he is compared to norms for his age.

Good luck!

OP, I have taught in the next village to where I live for years, and I have three kids of my own, so I have known kids as toddlers that I have then gone on to teach. I know many nightmare 3 year olds who have gone on to be perfectly nice, well-liked adults. Try not to awfulise - I know it's difficult when you're tired.

I am so sorry @beinghonestherenow
Some kids - just like some adults - are horrible. I think it’s ok to feel it and say it. It doesn’t have to be related to neurodivergency or anything. It can just be being deeply unpleasant.
It‘s not considered ok to dislike your child. But you are human and he is pushing buttons. If he has always been this way then I would, as you do, feel a sense of defeat.

My friend‘s son is (and was always) very similar to how your son sounds. I remember he slammed my child‘s fingers in a door repeatedly, laughing while my child was screaming. It makes me go cold thinking about it. And yet the perceived wisdom in places like MN is that either the child is ND (read autism / ADHD NOT psychopathy) and needs support or is just misunderstood. In my friend’s case she absolutely refused to be honest about what everyone else was seeing and feeling. Even while she was sleepless and her hair was falling out. Because society and MN wisdom is that all kids are good. This makes us feel like bad mothers when it is going wrong.
This is not fair or true. We all need to be honest about things.
I am sorry you are going through this. I’d be making a GP appointment just to have things recorded at the very least and to have it noted that you need support too and that you are not just blithely accepting this behaviour because it sounds like a slow moving car crash right now.