To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

Either you punish it out of him gently, but sternly, or he will be beaten the proverbial .... out of by his peers in the nursery, school or uni. The choice is yours.

My son will be 4 in August. We had problems with him slapping children in nursery and slapping his younger sister.

Does your son have a younger sibling?

Nursery said it can unsettle them and make them jealous even if they don't show it.

So many times we had to remove him from his sister, tell him off and give her lots of cuddles.

He's better-behaved at nursery now.

He plays more with his sister now. He still slaps her every now and then when they are fighting about toys or he feels that she comes too much in his space.

He always says "sorry" now, "I love you" and gives her a kiss and a hug.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Hello again @beinghonestherenow. Try to build up the courage to call your GP, not about your little boy, but about you. I agree with previous posters that yes you will need to answer a few questions to check you're not dying, but you could simply say that you are a new mum who is struggling. Perhaps they will have more services available than you are aware of, so you may not need to wait to see a GP. Maybe they will understand more than you imagine and prioritise you over someone waiting for an in growing toenail to be checked.

You've admitted that there are problems with your DH and his parenting. This should be a team effort. I wonder if you spend so much time focusing on your little boy's behaviour that you haven't had the time (or confidence) to focus on your DH's behaviour. It's easy to back off because you are afraid of unveiling bigger issues you don't want to confront. Small children do pick up on under currents at home too.

I hope you're feeling more positive today.

Sounds exactly like my nephew at 3. He has ADHD.

Without going into the ND thing, you have identified some traits in your child:

He doeent necessarily recognise or verbalise when he is not well. I would hazard a guess he doesnt recognuse his own emotions. There is stuff you can do to help him recognise what is going on the body:
IE After lunch, my tummy feels so full, how does your tummy feel,
Before bedtime, yawn, I feel so tired now my eyes just want to close. What about you?

About the need for movement, do you have a trampoline? If you google there are products you can get such as indoor swings. One of my ambitious friends even created an indoor climbing wall.

But most importantly you need to look after you. You need to make sure you are feeling oin a good place. This likely means time out from bring a mum. (A walk, sitting in the tescos carpark mumsnetting, whatever is right for you)

I know you are not keen about parenting courses, but in terms of peer support it might help. I wouldn't rule it out.

Receptionist ask questions so they can best appoint the right person for you and assess urgency.

Not liking your 3 year old son is urgent

You can't possibly think that your last sentence is appropriate or helpful. Reporting this post.

Hi again OP. You really don't need to lie to the receptionist. Just call and say you are very worried about your mental health and are struggling to cope - today - with two young children and you need an urgent appt.

I mean this kindly because I know you are overwhelmed... You want your son's behaviour to change, but simultsneousky, you seem very resistant to changing your own behaviour - ie. asking for help. In this way, you are both stuck and defensive. He's acting out because he's 3. You need to be able to talk to a professional in a safe space.

Can I ask why you refuse to consider counselling or therapy?

Can I ask what happened in February? And how was your pregnancy with him? Was he premature?

A lot of ND kids are sensory seekers and young kids need a lot of physical activity and physical play, ND and NT kids, I don't like the term 'rough housing' but can't think how else to describe it. If they don't get what they need they can seek it in unhelpful ways. Is he getting enough of this kind of activity? Behaviour is communication, and bad behaviour is a presentation of a unmet need. Find the need, and fulfil it and a lot of bad behaviour will go away because you've got to the root cause. Then you can remind them that if they want to kick, instead they can jump on the trampoline. If they need to be chased and tickled and tipped upside down, they can ask for that instead of hitting out. If they feel like damaging things in the house, you can help them find some heavy work to help with. If it doesn't work completely he'll be too tired to do too much harm, and hopefully sleep better and give you a longer evening.

I should add, that before we had a diagnosis, I strongly believed that I was the problem and it was my parenting that was wrong - I managed to completely ignore the fact that I had an older daughter and she didn’t have behavioural problems. I blamed all negative behaviour on myself. I also wasn’t at all convinced as a result that my son did have ADHD, which is why I didn’t push harder - i think I feared the dr would be scornful and say it was down to me.

I think this post is very helpful OP. There is a tendency for people to suggest ND at the drop of a hat these days but he could just well be a pita three year old. Lots are - and it’s one reason most nd diagnoses don’t happen till later.

Like this poster, I do believe the “ big temperaments” can be tricky as toddlers and young children but often it gives them a backbone that can, curiously, make them quite easy through the later childhood and teen years. Every time he laughs when you tell him off, you can imagine that channelled into resistance of peer pressure! Not saying to encourage it, but just making the point that being a compliant temperament makes for a lovely calm preschooler but can have problems down the road.

I honestly think you both need to remind each other you love each other. Even adults can get in that rut, and it’s hard to find the moment to be nice when things are “off.”

I feel for you, OP. You sound like a really good mum who is determined to do her best. I am sorry that you have been given a rough time on this thread.

I wholeheartedly echo pp's recommendations to get some support for your own mental health and I am really pleased to see that you are going to ring the GP for yourself. You sound very low and some treatment may make all the difference. It won't take away the external stressors but it might help you to feel a little more able to cope.

I am also really struck by how absent your DH is from your posts. You say that he works long hours but you write as if you are a lone parent and you are not. He is going to have to step up both as a father and as a husband. Do whatever it takes to get a morning together, just the two of you, where you can explain to him exactly what has been going on and what help you need. Does he know that you have been pushed so far that you have considered leaving? He needs to understand the gravity of the situation.

Good luck

OP my cousin was a right pain when she was 3 but as a pp said, by the time she was 12. she was lovely (she's in her 30s now).

I doubt very much all the other 3 year old boys you see are all sweetness and light - not all the time, or for their whole childhoods - mine was ok when he was 3, but by the time he was older I was having those awkward reports from school/the childminders and parents' evenings. But he grew up, made friends and is a very pleasant young man now. You might think everyone else's child behaves perfectly but (a) they don't and (b) they all have their phases. And it can be a phase, not a neurodivergent condition. Better to get it over with now!

And please internalise this: his behaviour is NOT a reflection of you. We all have free will and 3 year olds have plenty of it! Your response is, but not the behaviour itself.

Hi, I just wanted to say I sympathise, but please don’t worry about how others - especially professionals- think about you if you push for a diagnosis or help. I say this because I did, and I regret that.
I was advised by nursery that my son was showing delay in speech, and I agreed to getting him assessed. It took a year before someone came out and said he seemed fine. I was embarrassed. At school, he was labelled naughty. A couple of years in and an activity club leader asked if I had considered the possibility he had ADHD. I heard that as he was badly behaved and she was trying to find excuses for him. A couple of months later, one of the more supportive teachers at his school suggested the same thing. I visited the gp (with my son) but felt too awkward to be entirely honest with how extreme things were, so he dismissed us. I found some courage to ring him and admit that I didn’t feel I could be completely honest in front of my son. He referred us to the hospital. I turned up at the hospital, my son started playing with some Lego. The paediatrician spent less than 5 minutes with us and said that as my son could focus on Lego he couldn’t have ADHD. I felt hugely embarrassed and vowed to never bring up the idea of my son having ADHD again. I saw a family worker a few months later who asked me about this, and after I told her, she revealed that the guy we saw had been dismissed after a number of complaints of not taking people’s concerns seriously. With her support, I did ask for a second opinion.

Eventually, when we finally saw someone, we were told that she had absolutely no doubt that my son had severe ADHD and we finally started to get some help.

It all took about 3 years from the first concern being raised. It would have been quicker if I had been more persistent and less worried about what people thought. If you think something isn’t right, it probably isn’t - you are in the best position to know.
It wasn’t magic, but life did become easier when we started to understand more about his behaviour and we were then able to change our strategies accordingly.
Sorry for the essay, and I do hope things start to become easier for you.

I am really sorry you are going through this OP

it can be a very tough and lonely place

places like MN that used to be quite supportive can be a bit funny now with people getting angry (wtf?!) if you do not follow their advice… and you will get conflicting advice!

You will have to feel your way through it and learn to trust your own instincts. it would also be good to get your H MUCH more involved as this is too k m’n UTC to deal with alone

one of my kids was very difficult as a two/three year old, he even bit other kids and he seemed to not always like me a as he hated being hugged or cuddled

he did not show emotions either which made him seem “cold”

things did get better though, he got help at school (social and emotional, also academic) at the tiny state school. He got corrected by his peers too, which is interesting, but it is a big thing they get from schools: be nice or nobody wants to play with you.

it was his sibling who once explained to me, that his brother does not show much emotion but that that does not mean he does not have them.

We tried to keep consistent and loving, and firm. Definitely needed two parents on board with that btw

he ended up doing well in school and being very sociable and having loads of friends

lastly: be very kind to yourself. Undiagnosed and untreated PND is very hard to live with (if you have that) and you need to be super nice to yourself and give yourself a break (emotionally and physically), you need a weekend to yourself with a friend maybe, let your H look after the kids. You need to recover

take care