To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

To be honest with you, I wouldn't risk it.

It's one of the many reasons why we don't use physical discipline on our children.

You're right, social workers have failed children before, when there was serious abuse.

In other cases they can be overzealous though. It really comes down to the individual social worker, their manager and their workload.

They won't remove a child for being slapped, but I prefer not having to go through the investigation.

Just another ‘3 is the trickiest time’ comment… my eldest is 4 now and so much happened in a year. He had a phase of that laughing about doing something wrong thing which I found really hard!

I haven't read the entire thread, but did read all the OPs posts.

@beinghonestherenow you sound exhausted

I notice you made several mentions to "I'll just be offered a parenting class". So? What's wrong with that option? I know it can sound offensive, but they can be really helpful. Either you can learn new techniques to try, be reminded of one's to revisit, or come away confident that you're doing what they'd advise. Many of these are run by professionals in mental health, social work support, HCAs, so are good places that you can flag up any concerns, and often lead to further support that you might not know is an option at this point.
And IF he does warrant further assessment in the future, this is one of the boxes you'll be expected to tick anyway, even if you know by that point there's more to it.

You mention still being a while off school... are you Scotland?

Schools are obliged to contact SS if a child tells them they are being abused. It seems to me OP that you read the worst of everything so think all services are that bad.
'SS failed this child so never do anything.'
'Assessment waiting lists are long so they won't care about my child'
'GPs are snowed under so they won't help me'.
Genuinely, services are very stretched. But they are still there and doing their best to support people.

They had to find moments of lavishing him with OTT affection. The mum especially was not an effusive type and so it was easy for her to connect with the eldest as he tended to do things she could praise very factually: look he’s won a reading prize; he’s finished his homework already; he’s been asked to move up to the juniors tennis team three years ahead of she group etc etc.

She had to learn to give affection that was just that: undeserved unconditional adoration. Even just start with “ come for a cuddle because I love you and I want you to feel it .” He’ll probably refuse at first! But the point is it isn’t dependent on what he’s done or his behaviour: you just love him cos you do. If he’s bright he’s probably wondering, as he will “ get” that his behaviour is off. Or if that seems OTT, build up from “ I’m happy to see you!” when you get him from nursery.

Absolutely horrible post and terrible advice. I really hope politicians in England get their act together soon and the type of outdated discipline you recommend is made illegal.

You didn't slap anything out of him, you stopped being his safe space.

You said 'you think you're bad, well look Mummy is worse'.

Child abuse is not OK, you are not a good parent.

That's disgusting.

Why would you admit that on a public forum?

I'm sorry if this has already been said but the laughing thing caught my attention as my son used to do that too. For him, it was nerves. Me being cranky made him anxious and so he started nervous giggling, then would sometimes decide to 'style it out' but acting like it was deliberate and he couldn't care less that I was cranky. I ended up just ignoring the laughing. Reminded myself it was not personal, just a sign of how out of control he felt with his own emotions, and how unable he was to cope with the situations.
Also the pushing/hitting thing. Again sound super familiar and for us it was a sensory need. He needed firm/heavy feedback through his muscles & joints to feel his way back into his body... it came across as aggressive (& sometimes even self-harm) but resolved when we redirected to appropriate activities eg stretching one of those silicon bands you get at the physio, throwing a heavy 'medicine ball', even requesting a tight hug or a wrestling game with a safe adult.
The not caring about anything (toys, time out, etc)... look he's 3, he's little but he's old enough to understand this is a power game and telling you 'I don't care' makes him feel more powerful. Just pick some natural consequences eg if he throws a toy, it goes away. 'That's not safe, that toy needs to go away, we can try again tomorrow'. Take yourself out of the equation (eg the toy is going away not I am going to take that away) so it's less power struggle between you both, more emphasis on his choices.

My son is ND (Autism/ADHD) but as another poster said, you don't need to have a diagnosis to try some ND parenting strategies.

This is terrible advice.

If your son says at nursery "Mommy slapped me", you will have social services involvement.

Don't do it.

Hi OP. This sounds incredibly hard, and it's really brave of you to acknowledge that something is just not right. I feel that you might benefit from having some professional support to process how you're feeling with all of this. You will be in a better place to support your DC's different needs from a place of strength, particularly when there seems to be so much self-blame at play.💐

I get where you are with not with not pursuing a diagnosis and I think that is OK.

But, what I was saying that you can still use the parenting strategies that is typically used for ND kids and they might be helpful. IE pointing out things that might be going on in their body to help recognise and verbalise illness.

Think of it this way, if a teacher in a classroom has put up a visual timetable to help a ND child. There might be half a dozen NT children, who, for various reasons benefit from this.

Using these strategies aren't pushing you down a diagnosis path, that needs to a referral followed by an incredibly long painful wait. They are just useful strategies.

Definitely get his hearing checked. You can go private if you want a quick answer on this. It's the best thing I ever did with ds.

If you want me to be open and honest about it, then you should read this quickly before it is removed by 'guidelines' monitors - I slapped my son out of such behaviour, consistently and gently at that age. I did it explaining - 'you slapped your brother? L:ike that? Here you are.' 'you hit your sister? here you are. This is how you hit your sister'. 'You pulled the dog's hair out? A hug on his hair - oh, is this unpleasant?' There it is. I said it. The best of it, he understood that it is painful and unpleasant and started sticking up for his mates in his nursery when other kids slapped or bullied them. Basically, it got through to him through feeling the unpleasantness of a slap, a hair pull, etc. And another one - oh, you pulled your sister's dolly's head off? See your truck? Well, it is not articulated anymore.

The laughter was the thing that reminded me above all of this boy I mentioned. It really did turn out to be a defensive/ anxious/ brave/sad thing even though, I agree, i know exactly what you mean and it looks belligerent and “ not bothered.” Even, dare I say it, a bit maniacal. I remember watching them tell him off at the table once when he was about 5 and this smile just twisted further and further up his face. The more he smiled the crosser they got so the more he smiled then would break out laughing. But inside he was hurting and the smile was a really brilliantly executed foil .

Once they broke through that appearance of him not caring, they really did get progress with him. 🤞Having seem that child, it sounds more like him struggling with knowing he isn’t behaving well but not knowing how to break his “ established persona” more than an ND type thing to me. I think he’s probably bright, perceptive, brave and quite emotional underneath.

I haven’t read all the posts just your replies OP.

firstly, let me offer you a virtual hug. You’re doing great. It’s so hard to parent a child whose behaviour you don’t like.

I think there’re a couple of things to think about. One is that you’re taking things personally. You’re over thinking, over projecting (what my future will be like with a child like this?). Kids pick up on the littelest things and will test their attachment. They test attachment by trying to break it - as in messing up and being deliberately naughty. Because they want and need to know if their mom (primary caregiver) loves them still even if they are naughty. Some children test it more than the others.

second thing is that there is a plethora of mental health problems that a person could have apart from being ND. So you might really want to have a chat with a child psychologist.

I’d trust your instinct. Mums are usually right. If something feels off, it could be something.

From what you describe his behaviour shows more psychopathic tendencies not autistic or ND characteristics.

MN always assumes there’s an answer, a solution and a bottle of pills or a chat with the doctor or just ‘trying harder’ will get you there.

OP I found three years old so challenging with my DS and felt quite disconnected from him.

It’s the time when they are at their most bratty. Give it time and let’s hope he changes. The fact he was more connected at 2 with you suggests there is some ability. It will resurface at some point I’m sure.

The thing about 3 with my DS was his absolute head-driven desire to have what he wanted and to hell with the consequences.

Hes 12 now and the kindest sweetest emotionally secure boy you could imagine.

They couldn’t be more different. They do change slowly but surely.

Don’t give up hope. Things will change. I know of a couple of kids that laughed like that. They are both fine now. I don’t know them well but their DM was also like that as a kid but she’s an accountant now. Both kids at secondary doing fine. So try not to worry too much.

These early years are frankly, shit. I hated them. But it really does get better.

I feel your pain OP, my child is now 8 but age 3 was a huge challenge for us and its when nursery noticed there were some sensory and communication issues with her and they got someone to assess her, it all went pretty quiet as lockdown hit just before she was due to start school. By year 1 they sent all the paperwork off and 1 year later she was diagnosed with adhd. The nursery senco helped to put some things in place to help us all at home and school did the same, we also spoke to a family support worker. There are days when I want to run away as its exhausting and a huge pressure on mine and oh relationship. It may be worth speaking to your Dr for some mental health support or medication, I have been on anti depressants on and off throughout the years. X