To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

Try ‘catching him being good’. Don’t wait for him to do something good on purpose. Be on the lookout for naturally occurring behaviours that you want to encourage and praise and reward the shit out of them!
”I love the way you’re sitting on your bottom”
”Thank you for speaking normally using kind words all through dinner. You’ve made me so happy I think we’ll have extra pudding.”
”I am so proud of the way you waited by the door like a big grown up boy, I’m going to tell your teacher how fantastic you are at waiting today!”

It won’t be an instant change. Drip drip drip of constant reinforcement of the existing good behaviour will encourage it to grow. Ignore undesirable behaviour as much as you can, and deal with the un-ignorable stuff as quickly and fuss-free as you can. Starve it of the oxygen of attention and nurture the little green shoots that you want to grow.

Maybe you should get some counselling, for you. Perhaps if you are able to talk about your feelings about him, in a safe space, you will find a way to connect with him more effectively.

I would Google something like, “what to do about child who doesn’t care about consequences”. You can guarantee that if your child is a particular way, there will be many others like him, and tried and tested methods that work.
It’s not impossible he’s neurodiverse or has a personality disorder. Lots of people have these issues, so he might just be one of them. I guess as he gets older,if these issues remain, more issues emerge, or it gets worse, then you know he will need assessment.
For now just be consistent, clear, make consequences black and white, clearly related to the thing he’s done, and dealt within the moment. See if you can find some way to connect with him, even if it’s not the way you’d like. My daughter, for example, is not particularly loving towards me but she’s happy enough to tell me about her special interest if I listen. Does he like a bedtime story? Do this every night if he likes it.

Look up strategies for low demand parenting or demand avoidance children, children with autism. Theres no harm in trying to find a way to connect and parent as if he is ND, if he turns out not to be then hey ho.

What brings him happiness? Park? His bike? Swimming? Can you do something together he enjoys?

My son is ND and he suffers with traits of demand avoidance. He doesn't care about consequences and the flip side of this is that it makes him quite vulnerable as he gets older. He reacts really badly to loud noises, being shouted at or if you speak to him sharply he has left the house and run down the road in his bare feet in response to me trying to get him to stop fighting with his brother as I raised my voice and made him jump (I panicked as they were going to hurt each other). He could never say sorry, doesn't show remorse and doesn't seem to care. We end up in a negative down-spiral and the more trouble he gets in the more he acts out - his school career has been a challenge. We are in a much better place these days as praise, positive enforcement and keeping very calm have contributed to boundaries being respected. Try not to react to the little stuff, pick your battles and try to remain calm - I know it's hard. You may find he has ADHD and has a very busy head that makes it hard for him to focus and control his impulses. This is something you can get help with now. Understand that as he gets older it will get easier as he will be less confused and overwhelmed. I'm hoping you can speak to your GP - you need to make them aware ASAP that you are not coping and you need help. Take care of yourself, you need to stop worrying what other people think and focus on yourself and your family.

There was a thread just like this last night. She was concerned that it was just his personality and basically not a nice person … I’ll try and find it. She got lots of advice and similar tales of horrendous 3 year olds that turned out well.

I know you say you are not convinced he is nd, which is completely fair enough, but have you tried parenting him as if he might be? I’m not saying it would work but it could be worth a go.

You say it’s pointless giving consequence, but I think you probably mean negative consequences / punishment.
How does he respond to rewards?

Why you? Thats a lot of well, assuming that you can shape his personality with such effectiveness.

3 year olds are difficult. They haven't developed any social graces or niceties yet. You just have to continue modelling behaviour you want to see from him. He will get there.

My firstborn was hard work and quite unpleasant up until the age of 4.

He was angry about everything, tantrummed about everything. He would kick, hit and spit at me.

This was back in the supernanny days. And although people love to hate her, we found her style worked. Clear boundaries. Time out. Though this ended up with me sitting outside his bedroom holding the door shut as he would come and hit/kick/spit at me. But it worked. Every time he just needed zero stimulation to calm down. Hugs didn't work, reasoning with him didn't work. He just needed time by himself.

It was awful. His whole baby and toddlerhood was awful. People would comment on it when we were out. My friends with other babies would comment - which was helpful on those days when I'd think it was me.

When he was about 3 and really violent I'd worry about this continuing when he was 15 and how he'd be able to really hurt me or someone else.

But it passed.

He's a teenager now and good as gold (so far). He calmed right down around age 4. Had some wobbles in primary (but the pandemic meant he had the opportunity to learn some self motivation and self discipline).

He still had his moments, but we all know the drill. He goes upstairs and has some time alone, and some time later it passes and we're all good again.

'Validating his feelings' and all the talking we're encouraged to do these days just doesn't work for him. It makes him spiral.

We're now having a similar thing with our youngest (8), but this focus on emotions at school is really causing him a problem. Ironically,

OP, you have my sympathy. I know it's not popular now but do try some firm boundaries. Hopefully like us it'll get better for you soon.

(We haven't had any ND suggested, but there are clear traits in the family.)

The snatching and biting is what 3yr olds do until they learn not to.

does anyone else feel this way about your child? Have they said something?

do you feel like it is something only you are going through?

I want to send you a big hug and a hand hold. My son was like this at 3 although he was loving which helped. He's autistic and I've lots track of how many school/nursery incidents we had. Days out we cancelled, parties he wasn't invited to and the looks from the school gates. I will say he's now nearly 17 and has come in leaps and bounds but there were times I felt I just couldn't cope or I was a terrible parent. Hes also high functioning.

Please hang on. Get support from health visitors autism outreach etc. Hes a wonderful young man now who is my best friend, witty in his own way and does me proud. He's also excelling in what he enjoys. Life will get better. X

If you don't think he might be ND. Do you have any ideas why you believe he is like this?

Doesn’t care about toys, or time with me, or missing a treat. He just does as he does.

Sounds very much like my toddler DS, he was later diagnosed ASD/ADHD. Have you considered having him assessed? My HV dismissed us, and we soldiered on for a few years, until another child’s one2one approached us in primary school and asked if we would consider assessment. I nearly wept with relief that someone else could see what I could see.