To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

OP you sound lovely. I’m sorry some posters are giving you a hard time. I recently posted a thread under an alter and was treated incredibly viciously by a small number of clearly awful people.

Best wishes to you 💐

My DS was really challenging as a 3 year old. We didn't go out and see anyone for about 1.5 years as he was a biter and aggressive and generally really hyper and it was so horribly stressful. It was a very unhappy lonely time. He's just at the end of primary school now and is a lovely, chatty, popular kid. It was just a developmental phase that went on for what seemed like forever!

I wonder which sex your other child is? You don't say. But I see friends with sweet little girls who haven't always experienced the same as me with my hyper DS when he was 3 and their experiences of parenting were completely the opposite of mine. Just to be aware that it may be just the contrast you've noticed between being a mum to two very different children.

Nobody has berated you - just identified the bigger picture. I think it's actually helpful to help people support you. If this was a one-off mum having a rough day, it's ok to just say 'awww poor you it'll all turn out ok' but given the pattern of both your son's behaviour and your responses/mood, I think you need more than that. I'm not sure why you've already decided what the GP and HV will do. And that it's not worth doing parenting classes even if you turn out to be right. There's nothing shameful about parenting classes - parenting is really hard for all of us. Why not try the options (that may or may not be) offered to you by professionals who know a lot more than you? At the very worst, the next time you go, you'll be another step closer as you can say 'Yep, did the parenting classes you kindly offered, did XYZ techniques, it didn't work/this is the outcome. Now I'm ready for the next step please.' Good luck with it all.

I'm glad the thread is helpful for you. I'm much older than you and have grown up kids - I've no interest in provoking you. All I'm saying is there's a really clear pattern. It's how so many people have recognised you despite - you'd think - a fairly generic topic about three year olds being difficult. You start these threads sounding very despairing and extremely negative about your three year old (perhaps warranted). You then fairly quickly start to nitpick the advice and eventually you get rude and aggressive. If it's helping, I guess it's worth it, but I do hope you are able to recognise that you're simultaneously crying out for help and blankly discounting suggestions that multiple people are making. You're so sure you're right - but at the same time you're despairing and asking for help. Might be worth just opening your mind a bit because whatever you're doing now isn't working for you. Best of luck.

There are many sources of free counselling support. Which can be delivered remotely at a time to suit you. You are writing options off before exploring them - please please think about at least giving your GP a chance to help you, what do you have to lose here?

I don't have advice but I think just the fact that you are worried shows you are a good mum and trying to get the behavior under control. I know people who have children even worse and have not a clue why they are avoided and not included.

Jesus, that's a nasty comment.

I really dislike my niece. She's 9 and totally strange. I don't trust her around the other children as she's put one in hospital with a head injury and then a leg injury another time.

We all hoped she would grow out of it but she hasn't yet. She's had all the assessments and is clear for everything.

Some kids are just odd and
unlikeable.

He might grow out of it.

Yes this is what you always do on these threads too. Start getting aggressive and rude with posters. I'd gently echo the posters who have suggested part of this may be your own wellness, and perhaps a visit to check in on yourself might be a way forward too.

It's totally ok to ignore the bits of advice you don't agree with or want to follow. You really don't need to point out to people why you disagree with their advice, since you asked for help and people are trying to help. If a few people say the same thing, it's worth having a think about whether they may have a point and can see a pattern or idea that you may have missed or discounted. You say a GP appointment takes weeks, but that's not a barrier you know. That's a step you can take. You posted here weeks ago so you could have had an appointment by now. If you make an appointment tomorrow, by the time you next feel despairing and like posting, you could have an appointment.

It’s really hard when you’re in the thick of a difficult phase, but although I’m not underestimating how hard it is, believe me!, I think you may have lost your sense of perspective a bit here, OP. There is no way to know at 3 years old how he will turn out. He may be a complete delight. He may be awful. He’ll probably be somewhere in between. The real issue is that you’ve gone from being in a difficult phase to seeming to feel that your child is destined to be so unpleasant that both they and the rest of your family are socially shunned as a result. Honestly, that’s incredibly unlikely. If his behaviour continues to be so difficult that he alienates everyone around him once he has started school, that will be picked up on, and interventions will be put in place to help him. But you don’t seem to think he’s ND, you seem to think he’s potentially lacking any appealing qualities. He had them until February but now they’ve gone. I don’t think you will see this because think you feel strongly that the problem isn’t you, it’s him, but please, just consider for a moment that it’s you. Apart from anything else that would be much easier to address. If you book an initial consultation with a counsellor or your GP and tell them how you are feeling I think it may really help. You have very little support from the sound of it, which with two small children can be very very debilitating, and I think you may be in a much harder place psychologically than you realise. That may be the reason your son is acting as he is - children may seem oblivious to us but they really aren’t. You are thinking of this situation, chicken and egg, in one way. What if the chicken and the egg are reversed? What if your mental state is exacerbating his typical small child behaviour and your perception of him? This is no one’s fault but if you let him grow up with a mum who thinks he is somehow devoid of nice qualities, kind of Doris Lessing’s Fifth Child territory, you will have a tragedy on your hands. None of you deserve that. Please don’t look to mumsnet here, the way you are feeling needs proper exploration and you need proper support. I really hope you reach out for it and things improve for you - you and your little boy deserve to get your joy back.

DS was unbelievably awful a lot of the time when he was 3, I think it's easy to think they should be able to understand and process a lot more than they actually can. He would quite happily yank at another child's hair, or push over babies who were only just sitting, which I thought were signs he was a complete psychopath, but in retrospect he just didn't have a concept of them as other people or understand that his actions were causing problem (even when I had to take him out of soft play/ playgroup repeatedly). He was very intelligent in other ways, so I probably had quite high expectations of his comprehension, but he had no empathy at all. His emotional intelligence was way, way behind his academic intelligence. He is a surprisingly caring teenager now, just a bit slow to develop in that area.

Give him time and cut yourself some slack, it's very unlikely to be anything you've done.

I attempted to give you hope by posting about how supportive my son's nursery and school community was and continues to be.

I hope that the books others have recommended help you - I've used them and they were good.

All the best to you.

Hey OP, I know you're not sure if he is ND but I think you'd benefit from a group I'm in on Facebook, called Gentle parenting for autistic / ADHD / PDA children UK and beyond (I think).

You'll get support there from people with similar children who get what it's like.

OP - kindly, but what would you like us all to say? Everyone is offering kind, thoughtful and practical advice - but you're finding fault with almost everything that is said.

For what it's worth, my son went to the small local school who were brilliant. Smaller school = smaller community, everyone knows everyone (and that's a good thing) smaller class sizes means more individual attention on children. He was invited to every party in Reception and Yr1. He transferred to SS in Year 2 and continues to be invited to parties at his old school. I was open, honest and clear about his struggles and the other parents were overwhelmingly kind and wanting to make adjustments so that he could come to parties.

But - I did the research, worked with nursery and school continuously and fought for every tiny scrap of support I could get my hands on for him.

I know things feel dark right now, I've already said that previously on this thread. Take a deep breath, have some rest and start tomorrow with a plan. I'd strongly suggest talking to your HV, his nursery and see what support is out there for both him and yourself.

You can do this - everyone is just trying to help here.

Leaving aside the fact the red flags for ND issues in your posts could be seen from out of space, have you considered that ADHD can also fit within that framework - which could be associated with impulsivity and some of the behaviours? I have 4 children with ADHD (I have it and there is a strong genetic component). One of my children is a little similar - for him, he needs to be constantly stimulated and run out like a dog. From about 5, he was doing a sport activity everyday as well as school. It has always seemed a bit much, but the consequences to not are worse! He is 8 now and on track to be a very high level sports player, if that’s what he wants. He plays around 10 hours a week in his preferred sport, plus a few other team sports and swimming. It has really been the way to keep him in line!

I hear you, and I think you are seeing your son clearly.

I recommend you see your child’s GP and the reason you tell the Receptionist is “worried about his development” this will get you an appt.
Make a factual list of his behaviors that concern you. It’s ok to say “I see other children do this and my son doesn’t”
Take your own emotions out of the list.

Your son might have hearing or sight impairment. Or, there might be something else going on.

The earlier you are aware, the better the outcomes. The sooner you know how to help, the less you will feel confused. Then you, and partner can work together instead of one person thinking the other is making mistakes.

Tomorrow, call the GP and make the appointment. You will feel better taking action.

First I'm sorry that you're struggling like this, OP.
It's hard to make a comment regarding your child, since he's just 3 yo and for other obvious reasons.
The anger and doing things out of "malice",
if I may, would concern me most. Your boy might well be ND, but I think you are right to be concerned, such examples at such young age.
I'd suggest assessment asap.
Your boy sounds intelligent, if such judgement
is possible.
Cannot advise on something I don't know much about.💝