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Original poster

Partner going on holiday with sister

316 replies

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:24

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

OP posts:
Flapearedknave · 24/04/2024 14:00

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2024 13:58

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

How is a once a year trip excluding OP and how is it intimate?!

I also think it’s odd that you mention a power balance because the sister pays for her brother to accompany her. It is not out of the ordinary for a family member to pay for another family member to accompany them on a trip.

It seems to me some posters are making this out as a problem because it’s his sister but if it was his brother, would be perfectly ok with it.

Yep, nobody has answered if they would be fine if it was a brother. And we all know why.

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2024 13:58

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

How is a once a year trip excluding OP and how is it intimate?!

I also think it’s odd that you mention a power balance because the sister pays for her brother to accompany her. It is not out of the ordinary for a family member to pay for another family member to accompany them on a trip.

It seems to me some posters are making this out as a problem because it’s his sister but if it was his brother, would be perfectly ok with it.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 24/04/2024 12:43

She's known him and loved him longer than you have.

Parkerpenny · 24/04/2024 12:41

I would be sad not to share those experiences with my partner if he was experiencing them with someone else.

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2024 12:32

pictoosh · 24/04/2024 06:43

Sounds like you've just invented a persona for him then posted as though it were real.

Show quote history

I've formed an opinion based on the available information.

That's how this works.

NewWater · 24/04/2024 12:01

ClareBlue · 23/04/2024 23:19

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

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It is truly astonishing people think like this. I mean, this is one of the most intriguing things I've ever read on here. It's like finding something under a rock.

StopStartStop · 24/04/2024 09:15

pictoosh · 23/04/2024 20:59

Says a lot more about you than them.

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I'm a grown-up, pictoosh. You can hold the 'na-na-na-na-na'. Or keep going with it. Up to you.

NecessaryNC24 · 24/04/2024 08:49

ViaMargutta · 23/04/2024 19:58

Jesus, it's like a parallel universe here sometimes.

I have a brother, also younger than me, we're also very close and always been. Both with partners. I go on holidays with my brother, alone, with my friends, with the whole family without partners, the whole family with partners, or just with partner. It varies. But yea, we go somewhere just my brother and me at least once a year or more, if it's city breaks. And... (whispers) we've been to both Paris AND Italy..

Never in my whole life have I heard anyone saying we probs want to shag each other, it's not normal, covert incest (or whatever the hell), 'emotional affair' or some such shit. We're brother and sister, ffs, how is shagging even entering some peoples minds?

If my partner tried telling me our sibling holidays are abnormal, he'd go in the bin faster than he could utter 'Paris'. I have had plenty of relationships (and might have more in the future), but only one brother.

Great post.

pictoosh · 24/04/2024 06:43

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2024 06:12

Sounds like he's got all the women in his life fussing over him, pandering to him and organising his life for him.

No wonder he loves it.

I'd be pissed off with myself for being part of it and I'd be wondering if that's someone who I could have an equal relationship with and who would step up when needed. If I wanted children, I'd be especially worried what kind of father he'd make when he's so used to being the baby himself.

Sounds like you've just invented a persona for him then posted as though it were real.

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2024 06:12

Sounds like he's got all the women in his life fussing over him, pandering to him and organising his life for him.

No wonder he loves it.

I'd be pissed off with myself for being part of it and I'd be wondering if that's someone who I could have an equal relationship with and who would step up when needed. If I wanted children, I'd be especially worried what kind of father he'd make when he's so used to being the baby himself.

therealcookiemonster · 24/04/2024 03:37

I feel really sad for the posters on here having such a negative response to the concept of a loving sibling relationship

there is no hierarchy of love. there are different types of love. if any of your loved ones resents you spending time with others who you love, then it's time to re-examine that relationship.

not everyone is lucky enough to have a close sibling or even parent relationship. I imagine not seeing it modelled or experiencing it in one's own life can make someone judgemental when others do.

there might be more to OPs situation if sister is standoffish to her, but could just be that she senses negativity from OP.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 23/04/2024 23:43

You're jealous of their relationship because you can't afford the type of holidays his sister is somehow able to afford, you would rather if you couldn't have it, neither should he as he is YOUR partner. I think you know YABVU.

ClareBlue · 23/04/2024 23:19

pikkumyy77 · 23/04/2024 16:14

I think posters are very overly sentimental and naive about this brother/sister bond. If she were not a relative I think people would see what is fairly obvious which is that the brother and sister are having an “emotional affair” (in scare quotes because it is a bit shocking to say it I suppose). As between siblings its also called covert incest.

OP sees these trips as a bit too romantic and intimate and sees them as encroaching on her relationship. I don’t think she is wrong. I also think the wealth disparity and the sister treating her brother as thoygh he is singlle is insulting.

I should day thatI am very close to my older brother and would think nothing of treating him or being treated. However I would think it inappropriate, unfair, and rude to exclude my sister in law or my dh from an expensive treat that would displace family time—like a trip to Paris with him which meant he didn’t go with his wife? That is some weird, unhealthy, competitive shit.

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

Anele22 · 23/04/2024 23:14

I don’t think I’d be happy about this either OP. It’s the fact that it’s been 3 years running, not just a one off. That seems excessive. Nice if they have a good relationship but you hinted at her being cold to you. And then you get left behind. I can see why you’re uncomfortable.

BruFord · 23/04/2024 23:07

@Harara I agree that not everything needs to be or should be about couples. My DH went on a four-day jolly a couple of weeks ago and I’m also going away with friends in a few weeks.

I think this is more about the fact that the OP and the SIL aren’t comfortable with each other. It may not be as strong as actual dislike, but they clearly don’t get on well. That’s why this is pissing the OP off. She probably couldn’t mind if she and the SIL were friendly.

saraclara · 23/04/2024 23:04

She chooses to not have a partner

How do you know this, @AnonymousB95 ?

ttcat37 · 23/04/2024 23:03

Ewwww no that’s really weird. Definitely just pulled a face at adult brother and sister holidaying together.

Harara · 23/04/2024 22:42

Being single can be so shit and lonely as you get older and there becomes an unspoken rule that absolutely everything has to be done in couples and if you’re not in a couple you have to either do it alone or as a third wheel. It can also feel really shit being no-one’s priority. I’m glad for your DP’s sister that he isn’t taking this attitude and that he values a non-romantic relationship enough to prioritise it for a few days every year, meaning she gets a nice holiday in congenial company. I wish society was more like this in general. There isn’t actually a reason why absolutely everything has to be about couples. A few days off is taking very little away from you and it probably means a lot to her.

bluebird3 · 23/04/2024 22:34

Iggii · 23/04/2024 19:17

OP said they have a few days away together. How is this a "big fancy blow out holiday"?
You can't seriously expect the sister to want to go away with her brother and his girlfriend and pay for that.

Show quote history

She said they go on extravagant holidays.

and I also said she should pay for herself.

bluegreygreen · 23/04/2024 22:31

This particular sister has always been standoffish.
To be fair, I'd be standoffish if someone was suggesting my relationship with my brother was inappropriate.

all these holidays
so many extravagant special times
The holidays started 3 years ago, when he moved out.
They are once a year, and last a few days, according to the OP.
One has just been booked.
So, two, or at most three, trips of a few days each over 3 years.

MotherWaver · 23/04/2024 22:27

When you start to think of this long term @BruFord it's interesting how those bonds get made and sustained.
I'd probably count my ex student landlord and my brother's girlfriend (20 years) amongst my 'in case of emergencies' but it could have been my in-laws if they hadn't been so determined to push for core family only time. I think that's my thoughts OP, if you are likely to be round in 30 years, you need to be part of the holidays now.

As another aside, even now SIL holds the childhood years as really quite sacred, family child stories are repeated at every gathering. But only a rotation of about six, it's generally never deviates, no extra detail or confirmation sort. I feel that I almost lived their childhood, I was there, I've heard them so often.

Miyagi99 · 23/04/2024 22:19

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 23/04/2024 19:33

If 'her little brother' has grown up and left home, lives with a partner, maybe it is time for her to find some friends to go on holiday with? Surely she must have more than just a substantially younger sibling in her life, even if no partner.

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I have a partner, an adult child and may friends, still talk to my sibling everyday and go away together now and again.

BruFord · 23/04/2024 22:14

…if you want the bigger picture - warm extended family, wedding, kids - this may not be the family for you. I sometimes wish I'd cut my losses but grass isn't always greener so who knows.

Interesting point @MotherWaver . On some level, many people have accept that their life partner’s family isn’t going to be quite what they’d hoped for in extended family. My DH’s family is pretty nice, tbh, but even after 20-plus years, I’m aware that in an emergency/difficult situation, I couldn’t count on any of them to help me, or even provide minimal support, like a listening ear. They only help out their original family unit.

If you’re an only like me, you have to rely on friends instead-and luckily I do have some good ones.

i feel a bit sorry for the sister, tbh, it sounds as if she may not have anyone close to her outside her family.

Daisy12Maisie · 23/04/2024 22:07

I go away with my uni friends once a year. Doesn't mean I don't prioritise my children and partner.
If he could only afford one holiday and he went with his sister rather than you then that would be out of order but if she is paying then I don't see why it would matter.
Tell him what perfume/ toblerone you want from the airport and get on with other things when they are away.

ohthejoys21 · 23/04/2024 22:01

"ohthejoys21
"He's not her property. He can have 'special times' with other people, including his sister"

He can have special times with anyone he likes, but I for one would feel pretty rotten having so many extravagant special times without my partner being able to enjoy them too."

That's you isn't it?
We're all different. Some don't mind.

Well obviously I can only speak for myself not you, or anyone else!