SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

You originally asked what to do and I'm afraid you already know the answer, don't go on holiday with them again! At least not in the same way. People change overtime and how you meet up has to adapt too. Its pretty dramatic in this case because the kids have become such brats and dominating the holiday when they probably didn't so much last year, but you have to keep rethinking and adjusting so it suits all. We go away with family but it has evolved much over the years as the kids came along, dominated and competed for our attention and now are teens and have disappeared into their electronics.
A week is a long time with someone elses kids. Holidays with kids that age are all about them, so take a pass for a year or two, or do something very different.
Consider a long weekend in the UK. Perhaps a kid friendly attraction like legoland where you get to indulge your inner kids.
You'll need to ensure space apart, so if it must be a week abroad, separate appartments in a resort with kids entertainment would work. Put in ground work so they know you won't spend all day every day together. The 2 of you do something boring or impractical with kids, and meet them by the pool later.
If you want to stay in self-catering together, the key is adding other people to spread the load, such as DH's parents or other siblings.

With some thought, new ideas and perhaps diplomatically saying its you not them, you'll hopefully find a way to keep a good relationship with them again through the difficult years. And hopefully their kids will learn better behaviour.
Good luck!

@shootingstar001 they allow their children to piss in a pool and throw stones at people, they aren't great people. Their children will struggle at school and eventually met older children who will thump them if they carry on as they are. Permissive parenting doesn't include allowing harm to others.

Yea , must be the ops SIL .

@adviceaunt you must be the SIL! And - the ages of the children were in the OP.

You must be reading a different thread to the rest of us. There really is no excuse for any of the incidents that OP describes.

Of course there is a risk with any thread that the OP is making the whole thing up, but as readers we kind of have to take the OP at face value and base our responses on that. Of course there are 2 sides to every story but even if the OP is putting a bit of a spin on things for dramatic affect, these parents are clearly absolutely pathetic.

My child is SEN. No way on Earth would she get away with throwing rocks at people.

The only people she hurts outside of herself, is us.

Any parent of a child with SEN who stands by and does NOTHING with all of these, is being neglectful.

@adviceaunt are you the OP's SIL?

That's not gentle parenting, it's not parenting.

I don't think it's really your place to say though.

To be fair, I have a friend who didn't say more than "don't hit dear" when her two year old tried to belt my newborn with a stick. She's a very well meaning dick in lots of ways. Like, she's really proactive at staying in touch, but at the same time will make annoying comments. She'll muck in with anything, but will also expect people to go to huge lengths that they can't necessarily manage.

She's a bloody rollercoaster of friendship, but it's never for the lack of well-meaning effort.

Wondered how long before someone would blame 'special needs'. It's not a fucking free pass for disgusting behaviour you know. Should I feel sorry for the kid who physically attacked my son in school because they have ADHD?

I'd imagine that your parenting skills are good as your reading skills. The OP has mentioned the children's ages multiple times.
Not sure why you seem hell bent on excusing this shitty parenting unless you parent in a similar way and it's hitting a nerve.

OP- I'd distance myself as sadly the kids will most likely become even more badly behaved than they are now- which is sad for them too. I feel so sorry for kids who have parents who wont teach them boundaries and what is socially acceptable.

I think you're the one who needs to give your head a shake, you've come on a post. Completely made up fake scenarios, insulted the op numerous times and made a complete fool of yourself.

This is feral behaviour. It’s not gentle parenting- general parenting has boundaries and consequences still. This is just being too lazy/scared to parent.

Don't contradict yourself... If the OP was playing the role of 'judgy aunt' in your words, I'm not sure any offers of 'help' would have gone down well

I’m fascinated to know how children throwing stones at random passers whilst their parents passively look on could be being misinterpreted by a non-parent.

It’s not gentle parenting, it’s just not parenting and I’ve never met a “great person” who parented this way. A selfish person, lazy definitely, an oblivious person maybe, an entitled one, sure. But never a great person that thinks their kid throwing rocks at people is acceptable.

It’s only going to get worse as the kids get older so save yourself some awkwardness and embarrassment and distance yourselves. These kind of parents go all in and don’t back down as nothing is ever their fault, and the child is never in the wrong.

Since you don’t have children I can’t imagine they’d take kindly to their free spirited approach being questioned but you’re not unreasonable at all to not want the general public to judge you and your husband when you’re out with them (and since you mentioned a passer by tried to tell them to stop hitting people too I imagine it’s quite the scene). Who really wants to see a child poo in the middle of a street (yes we’ve all had a potty training child who needs an emergency toilet stop but you’d try to protect their modest in public and be discreet if the worst was happening imminently and not just let them expose themselves to anyone?)

They are shit parents OP. Although you're deluded if you don't think kids wee in swimming pools 😆

all of the comments so far are hilarious... litterally you have taken the OP at her word. there is no scope for another interpretation of events.

if this post had come from an actual parent i would have been a little more forgiving, but this is a non-parents perception and description (remember we were not there so we do not know what actually did happen its only what the OP has seen) and everyone is coming for me because i have not said

this is disgusting behaviour, social services must be contacted immediately and these children should be removed to a safe environment!

give your heads a shake...

Where do you live that children with special needs are allowed to throw rocks at people or punch them without repercussions? They will get bigger and either hurt someone or get punched back. I hope the latter, its preferable to them hurting someone. But the kids are victims really.
how would you feeL about having them for a sleepover op? One where you have real rules, laid out at the outset. No dessert for anyone who poos anywhere but the toilet. Don’t throw anything at anyone that you don’t want someone to throw at you. Hitting is a time out. They might hate it, but they might love some real normal healthy boundaries 🤷‍♀️ you could try!

Letting a kid wee in a pool when they're in the pool - fine. Nobody truly cares

I definitely care, thanks. I don't want to swim through a dissipating cloud of toddler piss any more than I want to swim through a dissipating cloud of adult piss. It's not like a child's urine is somehow a different or more pleasant substance to an adult's.

That is not gentle parenting, it is no parenting.

I’m really curious why you call them great people? What are their redeeming features because I’m seeing massive entitlement, a complete lack of boundaries, no respect for other people’s safety, and negligence which is edging close to child abuse.

Are they humanitarian aid workers in their spare time or something to make you overlook these character flaws?

Well I have children, and I think the behaviour described is completely out of order and the parents should be dealing with it.

Children need to be taught appropriate behaviour ie not screaming in restaurants where it disturbs other people, not running round hitting into other people in a crowded street, not shitting in a public place, certainly not throwing objects at passers by ffs.

Yes children need to expend energy and let off steam - in the appropriate environments - and it's up to their parents to facilitate that.

You haven't 'given a different perspective'. You've just invented a completely different set of events.

Step back and spend less time with them.

It won't get better.

Voice of experience.