SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

Thats not gentle parenting (which is generally authoritative parenting if people can be assed to actually make an effort to read about it, my own efforts are patchy so I’m not flying the flag for gentle parenting.

This is permissive parenting and basically neglect.

Thats frankly awful, truly shite parenting.

Wowsers. That is pretty lousy parenting. (IMO of course).

Like @TMess I had a relative (aunt) who parented very similarly. She was very into the idea that putting any boundaries on children would result in trauma to their souls. her 3 Dcs did not turn out to be happy well-adjusted adults because they were simply never taught how to be well-adjusted kids or that any of the normal social conventions applied to them.

Good God - my ds would never ever have done any of this shite. On the off chance he had, I wouldn’t have inflicted him on anyone else.
This has nothing to do with the @shootingstar001 not having children, anyone could see these children are awful.

You can't say anything. It'll just make them angry with you. It won't change anything. I would not spend time with them and their children again. That's a crazy lack of parenting.

Not having children doesn’t mean you have no sense of what’s normal and socially acceptable behavior. 🙄

OP, unfortunately I have a relative who “parents” or doesn’t parent in much the same way. I never spent any extended time with her because before I had my own dc it was just embarrassing and awkward, and once I had them, my dc were baffled as to why relative so and so was, for example, standing on a restaurant table screaming, with zero input from their parents and eventually asked not to go out with them because they would be unkind/physically hurtful to my dc and nobody would say anything except me which obviously didn’t do much good! It’s not likely to get better. What started as completely unmodified toddler behavior is now a bunch of teens and preteens that to put it politely are not on anybody’s guest list.

It is difficult but I would say there are 2 options I would take - the first would be avoiding family time by being busy and if need be, shorten holidays with limited interactions. The second would be to come clean - acknowledge to them their parenting style is their decision but that the situations that are presenting themselves makes you uncomfortable so you would like to change the dynamic to shorter times in private where children are comfortable and less public outings/holidays.

Yes I wondered all of this. ^^ The OP sounds a bit black and white and doesn't ring true as an interpretation of those events to me.

They are shit parents. Full stop.
Heaven help the poor teacher at those kids' school/nursery

Also, the not having kids perspective. I have friends without kids who are very sensible with their expectations of kids' behaviour, especially teachers and those with nephews, nieces, lots of friends with kids etc. And some who don't have a bloody clue. I think it completely depends.

I've never seen children standing at the side of a pool pissing into it. How do all the other parents prevent this.
And screaming in a restaurant you remove the child. It is not all about them, or their parent's beliefs. It's about setting boundaries so they can grow up to function in society.

It doesn't sound like they're parenting at all: horrific. I don't know what you can do really though other than see less of them.

Not having children does not mean you have no idea how children should behave. These parents are lazy arseholes whose can’t be arsed to parent and inflict their progeny on others. Yeah I’m sure the nursery / teachers are going to be delighted to encounter these children.
My kids didn’t randomly scream in public at any age. They didn’t shit anywhere they wanted. Were not allowed to just rampage through life with no thought to others. You are utterly ridiculous.

Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’

I don't understand in what context or circumstances you think this could be OK? If your dc "accidentally" punches someone and that person asks them to stop, you don't console the child and call that person nasty. You explain to the child that that's what happens when you punch someone and tell them to be more careful. I thought gentle parenting was all about natural consequences?

Did you ever say anything to the kids, op? Stop that, no, we don't do that, etc?

Because yes, the parents are obviously idiots, but you as a responsible adult are allowed to encourage good behavior too?

As seen as the parents won't.

I see this time and time again, feckless parents, feckless adults who turn a blind eye.

Yuck - they should not be allowed to be parents! There is gentle parenting, then there is this - incompetence.

Maybe I could have written that differently: If a kid (or adult!) does a wee in a pool but doesn't say it out loud and nobody notices, you're not going to care, because you are none the wiser.

If you were in a pool and a little kid says "I've done a wee!" then yes, that's very unpleasant.

It's a little like that thread from the other day about bakery items being in the open air at supermarkets.

This isn't parenting. A 2 year old however isn't supposed to be toilet trained yet, so I guess that part is in the air. The rest is unacceptable.

That is appalling parenting- well basically it’s an absence of parenting. There’s no way I’d go on holiday with them again and I’d expect DH to discuss it with his DSis.

Im very lucky that our parenting style is very similar to that of DB and DBIL. We’ve always been able to explain something/give a warning to ours, and DB/DBIL DSILs make it clear to their DC that it applies to them as well and vice versa. Holidays where this isn’t the case must be a nightmare.

That's not gentle parenting, it's a complete lack of parenting. You're right to be horrified!

The context is the SIL and BIL failed to parent their kids on multiple occasions, including letting them throw stones at people. That is bad parenting.

The OP doesn't need to have kids to witness what is right in front of her. She saw the throwing stones etc. Being childfree doesn't equal being an idiot.

No excuse for the parents - it's their behaviour that is the issue - but even at the higher end of 2yo, lots of children aren't yet toilet trained (this is what pull ups are for though!!)

I cannot believe you watched a kid piss into the pool you were presumably using as well, and said nothing?

Poor kids. No boundaries. Not their fault. YANBU.

My apologies I did misread the ages..

not the SIL although I'd be furious if I was that my SIL posting a biased thread for people to judge me on.

I stand by all my comments. Without context you can't call SIL a bad parent.

All these things are very obviously unacceptable behaviour depending on the circumstance.

All those who don't believe children and adults don't wee in a pool are deluded ... it's wrong... but it happens

Avoid. Children sound feral to me. Parents don’t seem to want to discipline them so any interactions will be hard work. Most likely lots of other days out and holidays will be ruined so swerve them

You must be one of those gentle parents we've heard so much about.