Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a bigger rental flat when DH is unemployed?

88 replies

leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 11:22

This is a tricky situation and lots of emotions involved, so please be gentle!

  • We live in a two bed flat with two kids, 7 and 9 years old, they share a room, this room is also DH's home office
  • The flat is rental, we love the area and it's near my job and the kids' school which is a great school where we'd like them to stay and they are thriving there
  • The flat, however, has glass doors into the living room from the kids' room, so after they've gone to bed and we have closed those doors, we have to be very quiet in the living room and can't speak in more than hushed tones, can't watch a film etc..
  • DD, who is 9, is begging for her own room consistently and is also introvert and needs her space
  • We had been planning to get a mortgage this after the summer last year but in September, DH lost his job due to a crisis in his industry, which is still ongoing, with high levels of unemployment globally. Currently the outlook for his reemployment is uncertain (he is doing all he can, don't want to overload the post with details on this..)
  • My job situation is stable and my job is well-paid enough that we can with no problems stay in this flat, on my income and his unemployment support, which he is guaranteed for two years (17 months more from now). We can even still have the occasional meal out and are going on holiday this year, and have not touched our savings yet.
  • I am considering looking for another rental in our area with one more room and a rent increase of approx. GBP 200-300 per month. On our current income we can manage that, just would have to cut back a bit on 'fun' spending like new clothes and meals out and holidays, but not to the extent of cutting it all, just being a bit more careful.
  • But is this a bad move, given that A) getting a mortgage would be better in the long run, and we would be able to get that (a bit further out though) once DH is hopefully employed again - but when will this be we don't know B) increasing expenses when one person is unemployed seems irresponsible, isn't it C) the loss of deposit (it always happens, right??) would then be times two, and the other costs associated with moving are also to be considered.
  • BUT: I feel so bad not being able to provide the kids each their room, I'm being driven mad by the lack of privacy for DH and I, and every time someone comes around I feel a bit embarrassed about the small space and the kids sharing a room and with DH's computer in there too (I know this last pint is so superficial, but had to mention it).

What would you all do?

OP posts:
Original poster
leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 15:31

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 23/04/2024 15:28

How long will your savings last when your DH’s unemployment support runs out? Would you be able to manage on just your income in the long term? I think it would be a good idea for your DH to have some kind of plan if he can’t find work in his industry in a year.

Yes I agree with that. He needs to work on that. He is in denial now. His industry ahs bene hit very hard, it is not just him, so many people are in similar situations. It is not easy, having to face potentially giving up your industry and identity after so many years due to changes and a crisis. So I have given him time but soon he has to face the situation. To be fair, I also read industry news and so many people have been saying for months it would pick up and it hasn't so it is hard to make accurate assessments.

OP posts:
Toastcrumbsinsofa · 23/04/2024 15:28

How long will your savings last when your DH’s unemployment support runs out? Would you be able to manage on just your income in the long term? I think it would be a good idea for your DH to have some kind of plan if he can’t find work in his industry in a year.

Octavia64 · 23/04/2024 15:27

I wouldn't move while dh's income is so uncertain.

I would look at possibly swooping rooms or soundproofing the doors.

Soundproofing is not necessarily very expensive - lined curtains would do it nicely.

Original poster
leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 15:20

CommentNow · 23/04/2024 15:07

Tbf retraining as a plumber guarantees employability at the end of it. Plus prospects to set up a business with regular income.

With gig work he may be 3 years down the line in the same position.

But you already know that. You've thought the same and probably said it to him but feel like you want to fight his corner. I get that. You love him and don't want people seeing the worst. But people are just saying what you've already thought.

Yes, I have thought that, but his industry earns a lot more than a plumber, and his income support, (yes we are in Denmark, you guessed correctly!) is GBP 1,615 a month (after tax) approx, for another one and a half year, which is more than you make while retraining as a plumber/builder etc...so I will give him until after the summer and if his industry has still not picked up then, I will apply the screws..however, if I was unemployed (as indeed I have been, and for an entire year, while he supported us all and at that time I had no unemployment support) I also would not have appreciated being told to go and retrain as a plumber after having completed a university masters degree and having previously worked in a high profile and well paid job...I waited a year and so did he and then I got a job which I am in now which I love and which pays well!

sorry I realise this is very context specific, which is why I did not include it at first, the unemployment system here is very different to the UK, you pay into a private unemployment insurance while you are working and if you have done that for a year and then become unemployed you get substantial support for two years. You also get offered free courses and internships as part of the deal, which is what he is also doing. People based in the UK are making entirely reasonable suggestions based on the situation there, which is only logic, given MN is a UK based forum!

OP posts:
CommentNow · 23/04/2024 15:07

Tbf retraining as a plumber guarantees employability at the end of it. Plus prospects to set up a business with regular income.

With gig work he may be 3 years down the line in the same position.

But you already know that. You've thought the same and probably said it to him but feel like you want to fight his corner. I get that. You love him and don't want people seeing the worst. But people are just saying what you've already thought.

atlaz · 23/04/2024 15:03

2. hasn't managed to secure at least a minimal and menial job to help you out. 7 months is plenty of time to get ahead with the language and get a couple of night shifts as a cleaner/delivery driver where you are unlikely to need language

In a country where you have two years income support (especially if it's somewhere like Denmark where that support is tied to your past earnings and not a pathetic 80 quid a week or whatever) getting a menial job is not the best way forward.

CommentNow · 23/04/2024 15:03

SharedAccountWithMySister · 23/04/2024 14:41

Assume your rent would be 300 a month more. Put that cash into savings for the next few months and see if the lack of disposable cash does make a big impact to your daily life. So less treats for the kids, less fun money. Then reevaluate if +300 a month is better than extra space.

It seems your husbands ‘needs’ are dictating somewhat. He needs a desk. He needs a high powered PC. He needs dual monitors. He needs the best internet.

He doesn’t need all this when he isn’t bringing in any money to the pot from them. They are wants and conveniences to him; he could make do with a laptop, he just doesn’t want to.

This is good advice.

I would add to OPs list that moving twice in a short period is not in the kids best interests.

But if his earnings are to be taken into account for a mortgage OP will not be buying a home for a long time due to needing proof of stable, regular earnings.

OP I wouldn't be making plans based on any income he will ever bring in.

Original poster
leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:57

SharedAccountWithMySister · 23/04/2024 14:41

Assume your rent would be 300 a month more. Put that cash into savings for the next few months and see if the lack of disposable cash does make a big impact to your daily life. So less treats for the kids, less fun money. Then reevaluate if +300 a month is better than extra space.

It seems your husbands ‘needs’ are dictating somewhat. He needs a desk. He needs a high powered PC. He needs dual monitors. He needs the best internet.

He doesn’t need all this when he isn’t bringing in any money to the pot from them. They are wants and conveniences to him; he could make do with a laptop, he just doesn’t want to.

The thing is you don’t know DH’s work or industry at all, so can’t rally speak about what he needs. His industry is highly gig based and he could have a job next moth and would then immediately need the workstation. To dismantle his options for bringing in cash again quickly wouldn’t be smart. Even that aside - I take your point and the general MN antagonists approach to husbands, but I do love my husbands, he is a good and loving dad, he moved to a country he doesn’t know and doesn’t speak the language of to be near MY family, damaging his job prospects In the process, he is currently doing all cleaning and cooking and pick ups and drop offs and child appointments AND play dates, leaving me time to focus on my career. Why would I take away the one thing that makes him feel hopeful, like he can learn something and improve his skills so he may work again soon, just so the kids can have a bit more space? Being hit by unemployment doesn’t make you a second rate member of the family who should just go sleep in the dog’s basket in the corner. Being unemployed is really really tough, I’ve tried it myself, and I see how he struggles and how hard he tries. Yes, he could give up on his industry and go retrain as a plumber tomorrow, but thy would mean years of zero income as he retrains, so unless he has exhausted all options in his industry and waited for it to pick up after the crisis it is currently in, that doesn’t even seem like a smart move, but rather panic.

I do agree that he should learn the language though and I’m pushing him on this point.

OP posts:
FestivalFun · 23/04/2024 14:47

I would try switching the bedrooms before any thing else.

SharedAccountWithMySister · 23/04/2024 14:41

Assume your rent would be 300 a month more. Put that cash into savings for the next few months and see if the lack of disposable cash does make a big impact to your daily life. So less treats for the kids, less fun money. Then reevaluate if +300 a month is better than extra space.

It seems your husbands ‘needs’ are dictating somewhat. He needs a desk. He needs a high powered PC. He needs dual monitors. He needs the best internet.

He doesn’t need all this when he isn’t bringing in any money to the pot from them. They are wants and conveniences to him; he could make do with a laptop, he just doesn’t want to.

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 14:38

leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:27

well if he needs to retrain, that would be years with zero income, so of course he wants to see if he can move in to an adjacent industry first, doesn't that make sense? Giving up on moving into an adjacent industry after seven months of unemployment is a bit soon, isn't it

Show quote history

Of course but in the meantime he just needs to get whatever job he can get

Catza · 23/04/2024 14:35

leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:27

well if he needs to retrain, that would be years with zero income, so of course he wants to see if he can move in to an adjacent industry first, doesn't that make sense? Giving up on moving into an adjacent industry after seven months of unemployment is a bit soon, isn't it

Show quote history

I get a sense that your DH gets very little sympathy on here because he is 1. not learning the language in the country he is living in and planning to live in long term because he thinks it is not essential for either life or employment and 2. hasn't managed to secure at least a minimal and menial job to help you out. 7 months is plenty of time to get ahead with the language and get a couple of night shifts as a cleaner/delivery driver where you are unlikely to need language. I appreciate it is neither here nor there when it comes to your housing question but this is a bit of an elephant in the room nonetheless.

Thepartnersdesk · 23/04/2024 14:33

Block the doors, even if it's just with some thick kingspan in front of them. Light enough that it wouldn't need to much permanent fixings. Curtain over glass so it looks nice from other side. Or even a wardrobe - good sound insulation.

Then try and give them each their own side with a big IKEA kallax type unit down the middle. Good storage and a useful divider so they have a bit of private space.

Computer into your room so it means they gain some space and privacy even if not a separate room.

Original poster
leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:27

purplecorkheart · 23/04/2024 14:17

Yes but is this doing him any good? It does sound like he needs to accept that he may need to retrain in another industry.

Show quote history

well if he needs to retrain, that would be years with zero income, so of course he wants to see if he can move in to an adjacent industry first, doesn't that make sense? Giving up on moving into an adjacent industry after seven months of unemployment is a bit soon, isn't it

OP posts:
PoppingTomorrow · 23/04/2024 14:23

Get some cheap blackout blinds and stick them up on the glass doors.

Have DH desk in the living room or your bedroom and put up some kind of divider for the kids to give them some privacy/sanctuary.

purplecorkheart · 23/04/2024 14:17

leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:12

as mentioned, he is learning new programmes and using the screens and computer all day while we are at work and in school

Show quote history

Yes but is this doing him any good? It does sound like he needs to accept that he may need to retrain in another industry.

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 14:14

leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:12

as mentioned, he is learning new programmes and using the screens and computer all day while we are at work and in school

Show quote history

Then he can use that time to learn the language

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 14:14

Until he has a job I think you need to stay put and save as much as you can. If you fall ill or die they'll need the money

siameselife · 23/04/2024 14:13

leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:11

he can do a local language course for free

He should definitely be doing this.
I've lived in country where I didn't speak the language and learning was hard. But if he is going to live there long term he needs to suck up the pain of learning

Original poster
leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:12

Snoken · 23/04/2024 14:11

Definitely stay for now and until you have two secure incomes. Why does your DH need that big desk with two screens when he isn't working? Can't you just store that away for now so that the kids get a bit more space?

as mentioned, he is learning new programmes and using the screens and computer all day while we are at work and in school

OP posts:
Original poster
leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:11

he can do a local language course for free

OP posts:
Snoken · 23/04/2024 14:11

Definitely stay for now and until you have two secure incomes. Why does your DH need that big desk with two screens when he isn't working? Can't you just store that away for now so that the kids get a bit more space?

purplecorkheart · 23/04/2024 14:11

TheFlis · 23/04/2024 14:04

To be honest I think you’re being a bit frivolous going for regular meals out and holidays when he is unemployed and his prospects are not looking good. I would be saving as much as you can until he has a job again, rather than looking to increase your living costs.

I agree with this. Could the money that is being used for these treats be used for him to do an intensive course in the local language? Honestly it sounds like he does need to retrain. He is at a disadvantage not speaking the local language and with each job he is coming up against people currently working in the Industy.

Can he move his desk into the living room and then try and rejig the kids room to give them more privacy?

Original poster
leftorrightnow · 23/04/2024 14:10

TheFlis · 23/04/2024 14:04

To be honest I think you’re being a bit frivolous going for regular meals out and holidays when he is unemployed and his prospects are not looking good. I would be saving as much as you can until he has a job again, rather than looking to increase your living costs.

well, everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course. However, we are not facing destitution, so we allow ourselves to have a holiday and a monthly meal out.

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 23/04/2024 14:09

I would stay put and re-evaluate once DH finds some employment.

Think of solutions for your current living situation instead - swap rooms with the kids, create a smaller office area in your room or the living room for DH, give the children a room each and you and DH use a sofa bed in the living room, give the kids room a lovely new makeover, try some ways to divide their spaces so your daughter feels like she has some more privacy/gets her excited about her room again. Might stop the complaining for a while!