Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Internet safety with 13 year old

29 replies

Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 09:52

Posting for traffic, have posted in teens but no replies.

Essentially we have just discovered 13 year old has been viewing porn via reddit. Have now blocked that via our router but I've just spent 2 hours reading all the ways they can swerve filters etc...tumblr, Pinterest, twitter and typing special codes before searching in browsers to name but a few 🤯 she doesn't have any of these apps but can view in browser.

Is there any guidance anyone can give that might help as in how to open up this conversation? We set time limits, have safe search and a shield on the router that can block some content.

She's on as a child account (family link android) but I have read that once aged 13 is reached family link doesn't really work as they can bypass you and mess with the settings themselves.

We've had lots of talks, I understand curiosity but obviously porn is massively damaging and I'm actually so gutted to see it's being accessed/watched.

Will be having a talk this evening, we had previously trusted that devices would be charged on her desk at night (this was kept to until recently as we have discovered) Will now both be removed completely from the room.

I'm so annoyed I was so glib about how they can still access this shit, I literally want to throw her phone and iPad out the window.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
Trepidfox · 24/04/2024 22:47

Apologies life got in the way! We had about 3 hours on the sofa talking, I did my best but a few tears were shed (by me!) she explained that a friend had told her about how to look at reddit for porn. The 'friend' is a new one since starting secondary school. We've had concerns about this boy previously. She said I can't blame him for looking as it was her own choice to do so.

She took it well, a bit of squirming at times but as I said we do have pretty good communication and she is not shy talking about sex.

I have explained our boundaries, what we expect and have agreed that she comes off all devices at 8pm and they are now charged away from the bedroom. If she is found to be viewing anything like it again, they will be taken away permanently without exception.

I went down the route of how exploitative porn is, that many women in these images are victims of sex trafficking and/or violence and by viewing these images you become part of the problem. Also spoke about the possibility of individuals being underage which is illegal and comes with very serious consequences.

I still have some homework to do with blocking but I've blocked reddit and a few others.

I feel much better now that it's out in open, she's gone to sleep both nights quicker than normal so that's a positive.

Thanks for everyones input, it's very sad how many disturbing influences surround our kids these days 🙁

OP posts:
garceygrey12 · 24/04/2024 09:44

How did the conversation go OP?

Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 15:14

Thanks @0ddsocks I'm a ball of nerves but I want to be firm and strong with our follow up. I've climbed off the ledge and hopefully will have a better update this evening.

OP posts:
0ddsocks · 23/04/2024 14:10

Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 12:59

@garceygrey12 thanks so much for your post ❤️ I'm literally in a daze and feeling so shellshocked. I absolutely agree, no shame as I feel this would be very distressing for her and not productive. I completely understand curiosity I'm just absolutely kicking myself for being naive about the work arounds possible to access this stuff.

Thanks again, its really helped

Don't beat yourself up. It's a Wild West out there. I work in tech and sometimes I get confused by it all.

I'm also not naive enough to think I'm going to be able to stay one step ahead of my tech-savvy child forever, or that I might have missed something.

All you can do is try ❤️

Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 13:03

It's my error, I'm looking in to all the things @0ddsocks has outlined but also just a tighter control on access to the actual devices

OP posts:
Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 12:59

@0ddsocks no apps just browser

OP posts:
Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 12:59

@garceygrey12 thanks so much for your post ❤️ I'm literally in a daze and feeling so shellshocked. I absolutely agree, no shame as I feel this would be very distressing for her and not productive. I completely understand curiosity I'm just absolutely kicking myself for being naive about the work arounds possible to access this stuff.

Thanks again, its really helped

OP posts:
0ddsocks · 23/04/2024 12:53

@GladAllOver indeed it's not hard. I work in IT so have ensured the usual tricks (VPN, proxies, smart DNS, access via IP address etc etc) are impossible.

If she gets round it despite my hard work I'll be more impressed than annoyed 🤦‍♀️

GladAllOver · 23/04/2024 12:46

0ddsocks · 23/04/2024 12:32

We are on iPhones. Our daughter (12) can't install apps without our digital permission.

I'm guessing your child installed the Reddit app in order to access 18+ content.

She has a web browser but can only access certain websites - Wikipedia, ones for school etc...

I've also logged her YouTube app into my google account, so I can see what videos she's watched in my watch history.

Our home Wi-Fi blocks inappropriate sites and her phone data account has her recorded as a child so 18+ sites are blocked.

So far this combination of protective factors has worked well for us.

Most teens know how to bypass the WiFi block with a few simple clicks.

0ddsocks · 23/04/2024 12:32

We are on iPhones. Our daughter (12) can't install apps without our digital permission.

I'm guessing your child installed the Reddit app in order to access 18+ content.

She has a web browser but can only access certain websites - Wikipedia, ones for school etc...

I've also logged her YouTube app into my google account, so I can see what videos she's watched in my watch history.

Our home Wi-Fi blocks inappropriate sites and her phone data account has her recorded as a child so 18+ sites are blocked.

So far this combination of protective factors has worked well for us.

MummytoAAandX · 23/04/2024 12:27

We have rules for our DD's phone-she's not allowed to use it in her bedroom and at 7 it goes on charge downstairs and she either watches TV or reads.

garceygrey12 · 23/04/2024 12:18

I can imagine how upsetting and stressful this is for you and absolutely think you're doing all the right things. I just wanted to pop up to give some reassurance as I can see you're so worried about the damage this may have already done. I saw all sorts of stuff online at that age and I would say she will be absolutely fine. I agree if she has been watching hardcore porn daily/every few days for a prolonged period then yes I would be worried she would have a skewed version of sex and relationships and maybe become densitised too... but presumably you have caught this in the first few weeks/months and no doubt it's very 'mild' stuff she's watching initially (it's all horrible stuff but you know what I mean!)
I think she will be ok and just be so pleased that you're on it and have caught this now and that you have a good relationship to discuss it tonight.
In terms of the chat...I would be so embarrassed if I was her so please try to save her embarrassment by framing it that she's watching it out of curiosity etc. the thought of discussing all of this in terms of my 'sexual interests' with my parents would kill me haha

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 11:29

westcountrywoman · 23/04/2024 10:23

Unless I'm doing something wrong, they can still access videos through browsers within Apps. I let DCs (ages 12-15) have WhatsApp so they can be part of group chats for their team sports, school etc. I removed TikTok and safari from their devices but they can still watch TikTok videos from within WhatsApp (I.e the video opens within the app, it doesn't launch TikTok or open in safari). It's really hard to police.

Show quote history

It can be done, I’ve done it. If you just delete the app then they can still access the browser by clicking on a link eg in an email or another app. But you can block safari via the parental restrictions

Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 11:28

She is very open with discussing sex as a topic (since she was little) more open than I was initially prepared for which I took as a sign we had a healthy relationship 🤔I hope we will have an honest and open discussion but I'm proper struggling not to cry every time I think about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 11:21

@Josette77 Thank you 💜 It just feels very raw and upsetting right now. Conversation will be happening this evening after school, have been looking at other threads to get advice. I'm panicking that her brain has been irrevocably damaged by this 😢

OP posts:
Josette77 · 23/04/2024 11:16

She's 13. Op she has a responsibility in this too.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. 💐

What did she say when you confronted her? I think conversation around porn and sex are as important as restrictions. Especially given the younger ages that teens have sex nowadays.

I would take this as an opportunity to have a really honest conversation about sex.

Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 11:10

I literally cannot stop thinking about this, I cannot believe I've been so stupid 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 10:27

@westcountrywoman honestly it looks almost impossible, I am just going to have to be way more dilligent and remove the option to look

OP posts:
westcountrywoman · 23/04/2024 10:23

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 09:59

Google how to remove safari (and therefore internet access) from the iPhone and iPad. It can be done. Then she can still access her smartphone apps

Unless I'm doing something wrong, they can still access videos through browsers within Apps. I let DCs (ages 12-15) have WhatsApp so they can be part of group chats for their team sports, school etc. I removed TikTok and safari from their devices but they can still watch TikTok videos from within WhatsApp (I.e the video opens within the app, it doesn't launch TikTok or open in safari). It's really hard to police.

Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 10:07

I thought I had done my best to be as safe as possible 😳 I'm taking time to really educate myself on this shit and talk to people who have more experience and advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 10:05

@GridlockedKey this is exactly the route I am going to take, how awful that whole industry is

OP posts:
GridlockedKey · 23/04/2024 10:02

Is the iPhone and iPad set up right. You could get someone to look at it if you need to. It sounds like you were doing the right things.
I had my kids phones set up so I could see their search history. They also couldn't add non approved apps. It sounds like you were doing the right things though.

I used to make them very aware that if they watched porn it was likely (possible) that some of the people involved were being raped and that by watching porn they would be part of the whole problem.

Original poster
Trepidfox · 23/04/2024 10:02

@justabigdisco thank you for the info x

OP posts:
justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 09:59

Google how to remove safari (and therefore internet access) from the iPhone and iPad. It can be done. Then she can still access her smartphone apps