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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To allow DSC to call me mummy.

188 replies

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:08

I am likely to be absolutely flamed.
DSC has been living with me full time 95 percent of their life ( now year 1 at school)
for reasons they are now solely in my custody and that will not change. Their dad is no longer around and courts granted me parental responsibility and and live in order.
they know their bio mum and know I am not their bio mum but for many reasons they only see each-other 2-3 times a year now in a contact centre ( should be more )
they Have 1 bio sibling in the home and one non bio sibling. We run day to day like any other family and all children are treated the same
they do however have free contact with bio mums extended family something that I have always facilitated.
recently especially around bed time or even they are talking to others they have referred. to me as “ mummy or mum “
i used to correct them and their little face would look disheartened this was the wish of the extended family. I have spoken to DSC about the situation in a child friendly way but they want to refer to me like the other children in the house including his sibling. I have no issues of course and they will always be included in the same way for example if someone asks me how many children I have I will say 3.
I don’t know how to sensitively handle the situation.

OP posts:
IntriguingFactJumble · 22/04/2024 23:23

We use 'tummy Mummy' and 'everyday forever Mummy'.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 22/04/2024 23:21

Let the child call you mum - you are, In their eyes, mum.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 22/04/2024 23:21

You are their mummy.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 22/04/2024 23:20

You are their Mum. DSC should be able to call the woman that is raising them Mum. I expect it's not great mentally for them to not be able to do that. It would be unsettling, they've already effectively lost 2 parents, I expect they need to know you're their Mum to feel secure.

Do what's best for your child, their needs come way before those of extended family. The extended family can but out.

Ted27 · 22/04/2024 23:19

Hi @Chaosandcuddles22

I'm an adoptive mum and now also a foster carer.
My adopted son calls me mum, everyone is well aware there is another mum out there. But I'm the one who is there day in day out. I'm mum.
My foster child who has a very strong attachment to his mum, also calls me mum. Its want he wanted, its what he needs so that's OK with me.
It's a fundamental need for a mummy, you are it. The kids get to call you what they want, it's what they deserve, and its nothing to do with extended family.
It's between you and the children

LMMuffet · 22/04/2024 23:19

You sound lovely. There aren’t many people who would have taken on what you have. The child thinks of you as their mum and you clearly think of them as your child. Unless the extended family actually step in and look after and love the child like you do, they have no say in what the child calls you.

Wishing all of you the very best of luck.

YaMuvva · 22/04/2024 23:17

Awww let them call you mummy. Sounds like they’ve had a chaotic life at a young age already, and they need a mummy. You’ve earned it OP, and so have they.

Justanything86 · 22/04/2024 23:14

Other family members are prioritising their desires over the child's need to feel secure imo. Let them call you what they like.

Motomum23 · 22/04/2024 23:13

Considering you are that child's only full time parent I think it's more than fair they get to call you what they want. Regardless of the reasons of bio mums limited contact every child should be able to call the person that loves and cares for them mummy or daddy. I don't think extended family get a say at this point either.

LittleRebelGirl · 22/04/2024 23:12

You are mum to them. If they want to call you mum and you don't mind, let them.

lunar1 · 22/04/2024 23:12

In your circumstances I honestly think it's fine. You aren't trying to hide anything from them or pretend. For all practical purposes you are their mum.

Glass113 · 22/04/2024 23:10

Ah not at all, you're the only mummy they've known.

Borris · 22/04/2024 23:10

Could you be "mummy chaos". To differentiate from biomum. You sound more than stepmum