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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow DSC to call me mummy.

188 replies

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:08

I am likely to be absolutely flamed.
DSC has been living with me full time 95 percent of their life ( now year 1 at school)
for reasons they are now solely in my custody and that will not change. Their dad is no longer around and courts granted me parental responsibility and and live in order.
they know their bio mum and know I am not their bio mum but for many reasons they only see each-other 2-3 times a year now in a contact centre ( should be more )
they Have 1 bio sibling in the home and one non bio sibling. We run day to day like any other family and all children are treated the same
they do however have free contact with bio mums extended family something that I have always facilitated.
recently especially around bed time or even they are talking to others they have referred. to me as “ mummy or mum “
i used to correct them and their little face would look disheartened this was the wish of the extended family. I have spoken to DSC about the situation in a child friendly way but they want to refer to me like the other children in the house including his sibling. I have no issues of course and they will always be included in the same way for example if someone asks me how many children I have I will say 3.
I don’t know how to sensitively handle the situation.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/04/2024 07:03

IntriguingFactJumble · 22/04/2024 23:23

We use 'tummy Mummy' and 'everyday forever Mummy'.

Really? When they're talking to/about you they call you "every day forever Mummy?"

OP when you say they have a bio sibling in the house, do you mean a full sibling? If so, what do they call you?

Mama2many73 · 23/04/2024 06:47

We foster long term. Some of them have referred to us as mum and dad, we are obviously not, and its not why we foster.
We spoke to the sw who pointed out it was a need of the child. Especially when out and about they don't want to stand out and kids have said 'why do you call uour mum mama2many73? They then have an explanation to give (think about explaining why you don't live with either psrent).

Your situation is slightly different because you ARE his mum, he has Siblings who call you mum, and your role to him is the same as your role to them. He knows his mum but you are his safe place in what has obviously been a traumatic 5yrs for him. If you are comfortable with it, please let him call you mum.
It's the need of the child you are supporting x

Jellyx · 23/04/2024 00:13

You're their mum. Someone else is their 'tummy mum.'

And sometimes contact with bio mum is only 2/3 times a year for very good reasons. Look into research about assessing parental contact and frequency. More than 2/3 might be really disruptive and harmful to a child.

Airyfairy99 · 23/04/2024 00:06

Apologies i hadnt read user name and hence why i said dont usr mummy chaos as hadnt realised it was your username and instead thought someone recommended a mummy term i.e. im mummy chaos. Sorry (embarrased)

Airyfairy99 · 23/04/2024 00:01

Mummy chaos is horrendous and id definitely not recommend this. You sound wonderful and children clearly see you as mum and you are being a mum to them. I would allow kids to make that call and if they call you mum then accept it and don't correct them. The children are blessed to have you and clearly want to call you mum.

Sconeswithnutella · 22/04/2024 23:50

This warms my heart, the world is lucky to have people like you OP. I would also let them call you mum, you have earned that title. You are their stability and the one who clearly feels their pain, you’re definitely the mum.

Maybeicanhelpyou · 22/04/2024 23:47

I guess I meant more in terms of their extended family, sorry I wasn’t clear

Original poster
Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:45

Sorry I quoted the wrong comment then !

OP posts:
Original poster
Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:45

FuckTheClubUp · 22/04/2024 23:40

You are their mum!

I don’t feel uncomfortable at all, I don’t wake up in the morning and think “ better get my kids and “ Ben “ up for school. It’s I better get up and get my kids up.
Hope that makes sense 😂

OP posts:
Stigglet · 22/04/2024 23:43

The wishes of the child are what’s important here. You have custody so that changes matters. You’re equivalent to an adoptive mother, who would be called Mum.

Maybeicanhelpyou · 22/04/2024 23:42

You are their Mum, and I have something in my eye!
If you’re uncomfortable could you add your initial to the end of Mummy?

FuckTheClubUp · 22/04/2024 23:40

You are their mum!

ineedsun · 22/04/2024 23:37

When kids tell us what they want to call us, especially when they’ve been through a lot, we should listen in my opinion. Those kids are telling you who you are, accept and embrace it

Original poster
Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:36

They have been through a lot, losing their dad and gaining a new sibling in very close timing. I think at this point they just want security. It’s just so hard to navigate sometimes and you never know if you’re doing the right things.

OP posts:
YeahComeOnThen · 22/04/2024 23:34

@Chaosandcuddles22

you ARE Mum. In every way that counts you are MUM!

if extended family don't like it, tough. None of them stepped up to look after the child/children.

keep an eye on the relationships because if they're undermining you etc. contact may nt be in the child's best interest.

when you talk to them tomorrow, don't say you're going to let them call you mum, tell them you're very very happy that you are their mum!! 💕and NO ONE. Can tell them you aren't!

humus · 22/04/2024 23:31

The rejection they show in their faces when you say not to call you mummy shows how important it is that they do.

Squish12 · 22/04/2024 23:30

Ignore the extended families wishes, their opinions are not important in this.

Your DSC needs this ❤️

Sweetpotatofalafels · 22/04/2024 23:29

Wow Chaos, you've choked me up. What an amazing woman and mummy you are. Your child is so lucky to have you x

Fluffywigg · 22/04/2024 23:29

If anyone deserves the title of ‘Mum’ it’s certainly you! You sound lovely

Original poster
Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:28

Thank you. It makes me smile so much they do because they honestly are equally as loved and as important. I love them that same way you know where your heart breaks that they are hurting. I will speak to them tomorrow.

OP posts:
Ellmau · 22/04/2024 23:26

You've got full custody and they have siblings in the house. Yes, let them call you Mummy.

Smokeysgirl · 22/04/2024 23:26

Let them call you mum, no one else's feelings matter. I know it's a different situation but I adopted my ds aged 3 and the first time he ever met me he called me mum, even though he wasn't supposed to (according to the social worker), it made him happy and that was all that mattered. You sound like a wonderful mum.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 22/04/2024 23:26

Poor wee soul - thank f*ck they have you. You are their mum, in every way that actually matters

Glitterybee · 22/04/2024 23:24

All things considered OP you are their mum!

SD1978 · 22/04/2024 23:24

You are their mum. You are the only one who is stepping up to look after them, and you will be the o my constant carer they ever know. You have every right to the title mum in these circumstances and they want to call you that because that's what you are. Their full time mum.